Magazine | December 21, 2009, Issue

The Long View

To: (undisclosedrecipients)@

From: Cardinal.Bianchi@

Date: Dec. 6, 1632

Subject: Housekeeping before the big Revolving Sun conference


Please delete all e-mails you’ve got in re: the Sun’s revolution around the Earth and our manipulation of the data to show that. I know it’s tiresome and a pain in the you-know-what, but we’re getting a lot of flak and pushback from a couple of nutjobs in the Round Earth Society, and it’s just easier to wipe the data clean.

Also: I’m noticing that some of our recent measurements of the Sun’s travel path seem to indicate that it isn’t traveling, so please adjust those numbers accordingly. Feel free to use Massimo’s trick of showing the dotted line, or drawing the Sun with whooshy marks around it to suggest speed, or just, you know, figure out where it should be setting according to our calculations and just say that it’s setting there. My guess is that this is all going to blow over before the Revolving Sun Conference next week, but in case it doesn’t, let’s all try to sing from the same hymnal.

One last thing: PLEASE try your best to crunch all available data ASAP so I can give the Cardinal at Inquisition HQ a target date for the start of the End Times. He’s really on my back about it, and even a rough guesstimate will do.


Card. Bianchi

To: Cardinal.Bianchi@


Date: Dec. 9, 1632

Subject: Wondering where the raw data is??

Hey Cardinal:

Thanks for speaking to me at the Revolving Sun conference last week in Siena. As I said then, I really don’t want to be a pest. I understand that there’s a general consensus re: the Sun revolving around the Earth, and of course I appreciate your perspective that “all respectable scientists” agree that it’s the Sun that’s moving around, but you know, for the life of me it really seems like it’s the Earth that’s moving.

I guess what would help is if I could take a peek at the raw data you guys have been collecting. Any chance of that?




From: Cardinal.Bianchi@

Date: Dec. 12, 1632

Subject: RE: Wondering where the raw data is??

Dear Galileo:

As I mentioned at the conference, the raw data we’ve gathered was lost during a routine transfer from vellum to vellum. All that’s available is our adjusted data, which as you can clearly see, definitively shows the Sun zooming around the Earth.

Which of course it must, because our Heavenly Father wouldn’t allow it to be otherwise. Don’t you agree?

Or are you one of those troublemakers who have a hard time accepting science?

I always forget these things, but is “Galileo” a Jewish name? 

Please don’t make me contact our friends at the Vatican.


Cardinal Bianchi

To: Cardinal.Bianchi@


Date: Dec. 13, 1632

Subject: RE: RE: Wondering where the raw data is??


Honestly, I hate to be a pain. I’m just trying to figure this out. From my observations, it really seems that the Sun just sits there, and it’s the Earth that zooms around in an egg-shaped pattern. And while I appreciate the report you sent me — I particularly enjoyed the smiling Sun, being guided around the Earth by the hand of God — you know, in the spirit of scientific inquiry, I sort of need more info.

Look, I know we’ve all got a lot of political and social capital wrapped up in the whole Sun-revolving-around-the-Earth meme. But surely the truth is important, too?



P.S.: Catholic mom, Catholic dad, whole family in the church, just FYI.

To: (undisclosedrecipients)@

From: Cardinal.Bianchi@

Date: Dec. 17, 1632



We really need to hit back at the skeptics, hard. It’s NOT helping that the numbers keep coming back so skewed. WHERE is the revolution?? We need to show some revolution ASAP!! Any way to massage some of that data to show revolution?


To: Cardinal.Annuzio@

From: Cardinal.Bianchi@

Date: Jan. 4, 1633

Subject: Galileo’s questions, Earth/Sun revolution, etc.

Dear Cardinal:

As we discussed last week, there have been huge questions about our data as regards the Sun’s revolution around the Earth. Look, there will always be people who insist on seeing the “raw” data we’ve measured, and to be honest, they’re just skeptics and troublemakers. The Sun revolves around the Earth and that’s that. All of our data has been reformatted and hedonically adjusted to reflect that reality. 

I wish I could be there when you guys have a “talk” with Galileo what’s-his-name and clue him in. Please do what you have to do. I’m not sure I know what “we’ll show him the instruments” means, but it sure sounds convincing! It’s stubborn skeptics like that who give science a bad name.



P.S.: According to our calculations, the End Times will begin promptly next Thursday. Just FYI.


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To: (undisclosedrecipients)@ From: Cardinal.Bianchi@ Date: Dec. 6, 1632 Subject: Housekeeping before the big Revolving Sun conference Guys: Please delete all e-mails you’ve got in re: the Sun’s revolution around the Earth and our ...
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