Magazine | July 5, 2010, Issue

A Drink to Your Health

Three cheers for NR’s John Derbyshire. I was thrilled to read in his recent column that he avoids doctors — is, in fact, what he calls an “iatrophobe.” I’m one, too.

The root cause of my iatrophobia is simple bad timing. Back when I was healthy, going to the doctor was called going to the doctor, but now that I’m falling apart it’s called Health Care. It’s a little about health and a lot about caring, especially caring about insurance, and it works both ways. The lady who just became my ex-doctor practiced defensive medicine like nothing I have yet seen or read about. To make sure she could not be sued, she referred everything that moved to anything that billed. She kept urging me to see specialist after specialist, undergo treatment after treatment, test after test, therapy after therapy. When she noticed the age spots on my forearms she said they could be skin cancer. When I refused to go to the dermatologist she plucked from her referral list she abruptly changed the subject, saying she wanted to order another heart ultrasound even though I had just had one two weeks before in the hospital. I refused this as well.

Next, she got on the home-oxygen bandwagon. I gave it a try but, as I later explained, trailing a wire around after myself made for constant stress. Besides the danger of tripping over it (I almost did once), it would get caught on things, so that I had to retrace my steps and untangle myself. Given my irascible temperament, this was much more likely to trigger a stroke than something grand and dramatic like a blood clot.

She had yet another ace up her sleeve. Now she wanted to kit me out in what she called “ambulatory oxygen.” This one’s a real honey. It’s an oxygen tank for use outdoors; you carry it in a shoulder-sling bag like a papoose. It made me wonder if doctors had a problem with simple common sense. Didn’t they realize that there is no such thing as a “portable” oxygen tank? It weighs so much that it defeats its own purpose. She said I should use it when I go out, but when I go out it’s always to the grocery store or the library — where I get something heavy. I vetoed her yet again.

“I fail to see how lugging around what amounts to an artillery shell helps me breathe better.”

#page#Our final fight was about vodka. She had the records of my hospital stay, when I had to answer all sorts of questions about my medical history from my 1943 tonsillectomy on down to the present. They asked me how much I drank and I said, “I don’t know. After I finish writing, I unwind with two or three or four, depending, then when I’m hungry I eat.” The ER doctor quoted only the numbers and added, in that tight-sphinctered medical prose: “Patient admits to doing this heavy drinking for many years.” If doctors worked on newspapers they would know what heavy drinking really is, but they don’t, so officially and for posterity, I am a designated drunk.

My doctor latched on to this, probably weighing addiction specialists. “What do you drink?”

“Vodka.”

“Straight?”

“No, I have Russian wetnurses.” She asked for a definition. “It’s a vodka and milk highball,” I explained.

“You drink that?

“Don’t worry, it’s skim milk.”

It was my last appointment. Sniffing the air, she accused me of having drunk vodka that very day, claiming she could smell it across the room.

“You should leave your nose to the American Kennel Club,” I said, and left.

I have a new doctor now and so far I like him, but I am into terminal iatrophobia because Health Care is making everybody sick. The tea partiers accuse the feds of trying to take it over, but in fact it’s the other way around. Whoever acts like the government is the government: Getting sick has become such a confused, time-wasting, bureaucratic mess that Health Care has taken over the government.

Much of the trouble lies in the nature of insurance itself. You can insure a single thing — a life, a house, a car — but you can’t insure a system or a method, and certainly not a philosophy or an outlook.

Thanks to Health Care, American hypochondriacs are no longer fun, like poet Sara Teasdale, who was certain her thumb was going to fall off after she sprained it in a taxicab. Traditional hypochondriacs had a strong ego, a firm grip on eccentricity, and an appreciation of studied contrariness, especially in themselves. They also had a vocabulary that infused medical science with high drama. They said “consumption” because it sounded more deadly than the jaunty “T.B.,” they believed “descending womb” was more fraught with female martyrdom than “prolapsed uterus,” and they were devoted to the word “croup” because it sounds like a cough.    

Health Care has created the New Hypochondriacs, who pride themselves on being “Aware.” It’s easy to see how they got that way. Turn on the TV and nine times out of ten it will come up on disease infos and ads for prescription meds full of prolix scientific lingo. The Awares aren’t fazed a bit. Merck Manual junkies and haunters of medical websites, they can toss around the pros and cons of Marzipanus Angelitrol EH versus Vercingetorix Gaulicillin IP. In their detailed queries to “Ask Dr. Donohue” they sound more like consulting physicians than laymen, and they refer to CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta by his first name.

Chalk up another flying leap for American equality. Doctor-and-patient are no more. The Awares now see their healers as partners in a democratized version of the Stockholm syndrome: Be your own kidnapper, hold yourself hostage, and call it a Health Care Crisis.

In This Issue

Articles

Politics & Policy

GoldenSpike

Readers of this fortnightly would not be surprised to hear someone say, “The stimulus failed.” Most would probably nod in agreement. But they might be surprised to learn that the ...
Politics & Policy

Progress Pains

How bad is the violence in Mexico? According to a Time report, “Frustration with the government’s inability to protect the citizenry against crime long ago reached the boiling point.” Actually, that ...
Politics & Policy

Give Freely

Earlier this year, Thomas Perrin of the James Madison Institute visited the office of Florida state representative Greg Evers. As he pressed a copy of his think tank’s latest report ...
Politics & Policy

Your Money Back

Is Ron Paul’s suggestion that the Federal Reserve be eliminated a “fringe position,” as Josh Barro suggested in the last edition of National Review (“Mend the Fed,” June 21)? It depends ...

Features

Politics & Policy

Turkey Turns

With the “peace flotilla” effort to break Israel’s blockade of Hamas-controlled Gaza, the global Islamist project — a self-acclaimed “grand jihad” to destroy the West — has achieved its greatest ...
Politics & Policy

It’s Complicated

The public’s support for vigorous financial regulation is a wake-up call for conservatives who imagined that the tea party signaled the triumph of conservative ideas. Much as with health-care reform, ...
Politics & Policy

Preferred Risk

A seemingly endless parade of British lizards, winsome cavemen, and good neighbors populates our TV screens. They tell us how much money we could save by switching insurance companies. Here’s ...

Books, Arts & Manners

Politics & Policy

His Own Drum

Christopher Hitchens is truly sui generis: a popular television pundit, a raconteur par excellence, an unpredictable analyst of contemporary politics, a foreign reporter who has hit almost every hot spot ...
Politics & Policy

Free Association

Somali taxi drivers at the Minneapolis–St. Paul International Airport come up twice in New Threats to Freedom, a lively but uneven collection of 30 essays assembled by HarperCollins executive editor ...
Politics & Policy

An Opera Apart

Fort Worth, Texas — Fort Worth, they say, is “Where the West Begins.” And residents of this city like to joke that nearby Dallas is “Where the East Peters Out.” ...
City Desk

Twilight of the Idols

Celebrities are people you know even though you don’t know them.         We know our family, friends, and colleagues. We know of the officers of movements we belong to, and performers ...

Sections

Politics & Policy

Letters

Cuban Racial Demography Duncan Currie’s article “Spare Not the Stick,” which appears in the June 7 issue, claims that Cuba is “a country that has been majority-black since the 1960s.” In ...
Politics & Policy

The Week

‐ We con’t care what they say about him, Al Gore is still boring. ‐ Mitch Daniels, the Republican governor of Indiana, says that the next president — some conservatives hope ...
The Long View

The Long View

Dear Rusty, Can I come stay with you, just for a couple of weeks, while I figure out where I’m going to live? Yeah, I know this is awkward. And I know ...
Politics & Policy

Poetry

LEDA AGAIN Let me compose love as a Romance, lying with you . . . upon moon white sheets and window pane shadows. No more than an eager prisoner here, desire’s fearful captive, you strive beyond this ...
Happy Warrior

Non-Suicidal Tendencies

The other day, noting Bret Stephens’s analysis in Commentary as to why Iran cannot be contained, Jonah Goldberg made a very shrewd throwaway aside: “Arguments like this tend to get ...

Most Popular

Film & TV

A Sad Finale

Spoilers Ahead. Look, I share David’s love of Game of Thrones. But I thought the finale was largely a bust, for failings David mostly acknowledges in passing (but does not allow to dampen his ardor). The problems with the finale were largely the problems of this entire season. Characters that had been ... Read More
Politics & Policy

The Great Misdirection

The House Democrats are frustrated, very frustrated. They’ve gotten themselves entangled in procedural disputes with the Trump administration that no one particularly cares about and that might be litigated for a very long time. A Washington Post report over the weekend spelled out how stymied Democrats ... Read More
NR Webathon

We’ve Had Bill Barr’s Back

One of the more dismaying features of the national political debate lately is how casually and cynically Attorney General Bill Barr has been smeared. He is routinely compared to Roy Cohn on a cable-TV program that prides itself on assembling the most thoughtful and plugged-in political analysts and ... Read More