Patient: Andrew Breitbart
Therapist greets patient, who arrives with three BlackBerrys. Patient is pleasant and good-humored, seems aware of his surroundings, is able to carry on simple transactional conversations. Patient, to therapist’s surprise, is not tortured by hate.
He seems to understand why he’s here, which is important in the work that we do. He understands that the Media have the power to compel treatment, and he understands that our work here is part of a general process to make his work more palatable and mainstream. Patient smiles affably during this conversation and seems to genuinely want to be rehabilitated in the eyes of what he calls the Mainstream Media. He understands that as a result of the Shirley Sherrod–video contretemps, this therapy is necessary.
Patient does, however, have irritating habit of “posting” during our sessions. Patient in fact “posts” several videos of Democratic congressmen (many of whom were in the adjacent treatment room, in the “Learning to Like the Little People” group session) calling him a racist on MSNBC.
Session ends when patient begins tweeting therapist’s notes.
Patient arrives with a small video crew. When asked to stop videotaping the session, patient replies good-naturedly that as far as he’s concerned, transparency is crucial. He makes disparaging comparison to the recently shut down JournoList — some members of which are patients of the therapist, in the “Diversity of Thought Is Okay” group sessions.
Patient doesn’t seem to understand that the Media-ordered therapy must be conducted in private. He seems unwilling to accept that his past actions — including, but not limited to, the Sherry Sherrod video posting — have made him a dangerous and hated figure among the more mainstream and appropriate Media outlets. He seems unwilling, despite his affable demeanor, to do what it takes to “fit in” with others in the Media.
Therapist explains all of this to patient, and explains that as long as he insists on disturbing the peace and disrupting established, venerable institutions like ACORN and the NAACP and the Department of Agriculture, he’ll always be considered a racist outcast.
Session ends early, when therapist’s BlackBerry begins buzzing ceaselessly. Patient has apparently already posted video of the beginnings of the session on Drudge.
The third session takes place entirely on Fox News’s Red Eye program, with patient and therapist trying to work out their issues during a particularly intrusive cross-conversation between patient and Red Eye host Greg Gutfeld, who insults therapist many times, making fun of his sweater-vests and his close-cropped beard and his soft, modulated voice until therapist is near tears.
Session ends when Red Eye takes a commercial break and therapist is escorted out and presented with a Red Eye coffee mug, which therapist forgets about and uses absentmindedly the next day during patient Pelosi’s multiple-personality-disorder therapy, awakening patient Pelosi’s paranoid personality, “Iris,” who snatches it away from therapist and tosses it against the wall, shattering it and staining the New Yorker “View of the World” poster with hazelnut coffee.
Therapist plans to bill patient Breitbart for poster.
The fourth session takes place entirely on Twitter. Patient continues to use “@” replies to therapist’s questions. An example:
@therapist: @andrewbreitbart, why do you insist on maintaining an adversarial tone to the MSM?
@andrewbreitbart: @therapist, because they’ve controlled the conversation. They smear anyone who disagrees w/them. The left-wing MSM hates real dissent. #tcot #mediamatters #sherrysherrod
@therapist: @andrewbreitbart, why do you insist on sharing all of this information with everyone?
@andrewbreitbart: RT @therapist: @andrewbreitbart, why do you insist on sharing all of this information with everyone? #tcot #mediamatters #sherrysherrod
@andrewbreitbart: RT @ericboehlert: Breitbart is tweeting his therapy sessions! He’s clearly insane! #tcot #mediamatters #sherrysherrod
@andrewbreitbart: @therapist, the MSM always tries to suppress information it doesn’t like. I’m trying to get information out. Big, big diff. #tcot #mediamatters #sherrysherrod
@ericboehlert: RT @andrewbreitbart: @therapist, the MSM always tries to suppress information it doesn’t like. I’m trying to get information out. Big, big diff. // Breitbart needs to be stopped.
@therapist: @andrewbreitbart, I can’t really have an effective therapy session if you keep tweeting everything.
@andrewbreitbart: @therapist, I can’t help it. It’s what I do. #tcot #mediamatters #sherrysherrod
@therapist: But @andrewbreitbart, you’re right in front of me, in my office. We cd do this in person.
@ericboehlert: RT@therapist: But @andrewbreitbart, you’re right in front of me, in my office. We cd do this in person. // Breitbart isn’t taking his therapy srsly! RT! RT!
Doesn’t take place. Therapist’s contract with the mental-health clinic is terminated after patient posts all videos, tweets, and therapist’s notes on his new blog, Big Therapy.