Magazine | August 30, 2010, Issue

The “Grounder”

Congregation Newsletter from the Ground Zero Mosque

What’s Going On at the GZM This Week?

Prayer Rugs for the Needy

We’re collecting prayer rugs for the needy. Please put all gently worn prayer rugs in the bin right next to the Stoning Wall. We’ll be distributing them next Thursday, so please make sure to put your donation in the bin before then.

Newlyweds Social Group

Just got married? Confused about what happens next? It’s hard to make a marriage work in 2010, and we’re here to help. For guys, we talk in an open and supportive environment about learning your wife’s name, understanding her limitations, and beating her with a bag full of oranges. For the gals, it’s All About Obedience. Tea and cakes are served (separately) after the sessions. It’s really a great way to meet other newlyweds and to realize that Hey! We’re not alone!

We meet every week in the Crimes of Judaism Conference Room. To sign up or for more info, just e-mail makingmarriagework@groundzeromosque.org.

Youth Group Picnic & Stoning!

WHERE: Ft. Tryon Park

WHEN: This Saturday

WHAT: The youth group has been doing some amazing work this year — we’ve raised a lot of money for the new Teen Hangout Center in the basement of the main hall — and we’re celebrating with a picnic! And a stoning!

WHAT TO BRING: Frisbees, a boom box for listening to audio tapes of the great imams, hot-dog buns, a great attitude!

WHAT TO WEAR: Sweaters in case of cold weather, heavier burqas. Gals: Remember to bring the burqas with the slightly larger eyeholes for Ultimate Frisbee.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: Please consider pitching in, either in the morning before the picnic to help set up tables and chairs and the barbeque, or maybe you can help gather smooth, tossable stones from the nearby river bank, or maybe there’s a special person in your life who you feel needs to be stoned to death (nominees due via e-mail by Tuesday AT THE LATEST!!!!!!). The key is to get involved!!! The Youth Group is only as strong as YOU make it!!! You get out of it what you put into it!!!! Any ?? or thoughts, see us after morning call to prayer or e-mail youthgroup@groundzeromosque.org.

Recovery Programs at the GZM

Canceled due to eternal damnation.

#page#Outreach Fellowship Meeting

This year, the Outreach Fellowship is making it a major goal to reach out to other local places of worship (that aren’t befouled by Jews) in the neighborhood (except the Jewish parts). We’re trying to recruit some outgoing, not-overly-angry folks from the congregation to appear at local events, town halls, etc. and remind folks that we’re just ordinary, run-of-the-mill everyday types. Neighbors and friends and regular folks. All volunteers will receive extensive media training on how to stay on message, how to speak to groups, and how to talk to an uncovered woman without throttling her and calling her a whore. Please e-mail outreach@groundzeromosque.org for more information.

Gay ’n’ Grounded

The gay Koran study group at the Ground Zero Mosque has unfortunately disbanded due to the sudden death of all of its members after they spontaneously burst into flames. We’re trying to recruit another group. If you suspect anyone of being a potential member of this group, please let us know immediately.

Blood Drive Next Week!

Next week is the kickoff to our annual Blood Drive, and we’re hoping that all members of the congregation will do their part to make this year’s Blood Drive the Best Ever!!!!!

Please collect as much Jewish blood as you can!!!!

Announcements:

Anyone who thinks he saw my wife speaking freely to the UPS man — signing for a package, showing the top of her right hand as she held the stylus-thingy — PLEASE let me know immediately. Am trying to get Tuesday morning off (my supervisor at work is a real pain) to exact an honor killing. Thanks! See Ramzi in the outreach office.

Have two tix to Lady Gaga concert, willing to exchange for powdered explosives. Please e-mail pillarofflame@caliphate.gov.sa.

Trying to arrange a marriage for my 13-year-old daughter. She’s compliant and very quiet. Totally illiterate. A great catch. Looking for husband somewhere between 60 and 90 years old. Dowry negotiable. Interested in barter. Please e-mail me at coldpressedimporting@aol.com. Your photo gets hers, although she’s entirely covered. Not into endless e-mailing. MUST BE SERIOUS.

Have an announcement or group you’d like us to know about? Just drop us a line at thegrounder@groundzeromosque.org and we’ll be sure to include it in the next issue of The Grounder! Remember: It’s your GZM!

In This Issue

Articles

Features

Politics & Policy

Our Real Gulf Disaster

Four months after the Deepwater Horizon spill — which President Obama called the “worst environmental disaster America has ever faced” — the oil is disappearing, and fisheries are returning to ...

Books, Arts & Manners

Politics & Policy

Petronoia

Tom Bower is a British investigative journalist who made his name writing hard-hitting exposés of the activities of such major British business figures as Robert Maxwell, Mohamed Al-Fayed, and Richard ...
Politics & Policy

On Thin Ice

A hundred years ago, Europeans could not have imagined the horrors that lay ahead for them. Our current century was ushered in with an awful demonstration of what may lie ...
City Desk

Cancerland

I visited cancerland in 1992, and now my wife is traveling there. I took the testicular tour, she is on the breast package. Her prognosis is excellent, as was mine. ...

Sections

The Long View

The “Grounder”

What’s Going On at the GZM This Week? Prayer Rugs for the Needy We’re collecting prayer rugs for the needy. Please put all gently worn prayer rugs in the bin right next ...
Politics & Policy

Poetry

ONE 14TH OF JULY We met them at a block party on Sansom Street One Bastille Day, Two Berliners, true believers, Who met when the Wall fell, A night he remembered For the chunk of concrete He ...
Athwart

Shat and Scat

TV reflects our standards; TV changes our standards. If you want to know where standards are heading when it comes to salty lingo on the tube, consider the name of ...
Politics & Policy

Letters

Oppression Is Oppression In the August 16 edition of NR, Claire Berlinski called for the banning of the burqa in order to solve the problem of “gender apartheid and the subjugation ...
Politics & Policy

The Week

‐ Robert Gibbs complained about “the professional Left.” These days the White House is looking more and more like the amateur Left. ‐ President Obama says that the job of plugging ...
The Bent Pin

Heap o’ Nothin’

Back when August was called the dog days, columnists got a break. We were allowed, even expected, to write about nothing much because there was nothing much to write about. ...

Most Popular

Culture

‘Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself’

It was just one more segment to fill out the hour, and thereby fill the long 24 hours of Saturday’s cable news on November 2. Or so it seemed. Navy SEAL Mike Ritland was on the Fox News program Watters World to talk to Jesse Watters about trained German shepherds like the one used in the raid that found ... Read More
Film & TV

The Manly Appeal of Ford v Ferrari

There used to be a lot of overlap between what we think of as a Hollywood studio picture (designed to earn money) and an awards movie (designed to fill the trophy case, usually with an accompanying loss of money). Ford v Ferrari is a glorious throwback to the era when big stars did quality movies about actual ... Read More
White House

Impeachment Theater of Trolls

As a boy, I used to watch a television show with a weekly gag titled “MasterJoke Theatre.” A pompous egghead smoked a pipe in a leather-bound chair in a richly appointed library, told a joke, and got a pie in the face for his trouble. What the Democrats launched on the Hill this week is their own variant, ... Read More
Politics & Policy

ABC Chief Political Analyst: GOP Rep. Stefanik a ‘Perfect Example’ of the Failures of Electing Someone ‘Because They Are a Woman’

Matthew Dowd, chief political analyst for ABC News, suggested that Representative Elise Stefanik (R., N.Y.) was elected due to her gender after taking issue with Stefanik's line of questioning during the first public impeachment hearing on Wednesday. “Elise Stefanik is a perfect example of why just electing ... Read More