Magazine May 16, 2011, Issue

From the Twitter feed of @youthcaptain, the next leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea . . .

@muamargaddafy got your DM. Have to ask @dearleader before we can ship anything. In doghouse right now for making “Jackie O” joke re: his sunglasses. Will ask re: centrifuges when storm lifts.

Do not get all of the Trump haters. Do not understand what’s wrong with his hair. Looks awesome to me.

@asmaassad Love love love love the spread in Vogue. You and @basharassad seem like perfect couple. Had to read it online b/c hard to find in Pyongyang bookstore. #weneedabarnesandnoble

just heard that @justinbieber is performing in Beijing. Do I dare ask @dearleader if I can borrow the train? #can’tstanduptodad

Would love to order some selvage denim if I knew what selvage denim was. #needtogetGQinPyongyang

@dearleader says reason for revolutions in Middle East is protein, nutrition in local diet. Hunger makes for a drowsy population, he says, then asks me why I’m not writing it down. #becauseyouterrifymeandiremembereverythingyousay

Thinking maybe the reason why Tamara and Gretchen hate each other is because both are so alike? #realhousewivesoforangecounty

Kimchi and loneliness do not mix #majorgastricdistress

Long harangue from @dearleader. Wants me to be more “proactive” and to show more “pizzazz.” Told him I’d like him to show more “acceptance” and “support.” He stomped on my Wii remote.

Hey, @barnesandnoble, would love to talk re: opening a “mini” store in Pyongyang. Wouldn’t need to be a superstore. Would have to carry all of @dearleader’s 13,000 books, though.

Tried to organize TV show to raise money for Japan tsunami relief. Dad looks at me like I’m a bug. He wants new ideas, then dumps on them when he gets them. #can’twin

Hey! @ladygaga! Follow me so I can DM you! Would love to host you here in Pyongyang. How do you feel about performing with 65k kids with colored cards that make it seem like Spirit of Korea lighting world on fire?

Still getting silent treatment from @dearleader. Silence hurts more than yelling. And he wonders why I overeat. #foodfillstheemptinesswhereloveshouldbe

Decided to forget trying to modernize and reform DPRK government. Forming indie rock band instead. First single “Smash the Reactionary Western Despotic Forces as Juche Rises Triumphant in Homeland and World.” Hit #1 as soon as we released mp3.

AI not as good without Simon. Also: don’t know who that old lady is or why she’s so famous. #whoissteventyler?

Hey, all my Tweeps! Question for the group. Skinny jeans or bootcut for yours truly? #jumpsuitsbegone

Listening to Tony Robbins tapes. Trying to awaken the giant within. Getting psyched to achieve all of my dreams. @dearleader comes in during my visualization exercises. Reads from my success journal in girly voice. #notadearleadertome

#page#In tomorrow’s big meeting with @dearleader and generals and party officials, will pitch my Brilliant Idea. #mytimetoshine

@ericboehlert love your work, love your mission. Give my best to @georgesoros.

Wish we could show @lawandordersvu here on Korea 1. Would show the citizens that the West is filled with perverts and drug addicts. Also, could get @mariskahargitay here for a panel discussion. Rowrrrrrrr!

Drummer and bassist of Juche Rising (my new rock band) both suggested changes to set list. In spirit of cooperative openness, had both sent to work farm instead of executed. #newdayindprk

Skinny jeans arrived today. Not sure it’s the right look. #backtojumpsuits

Hosting Iranian scientists here for the week. FYI: They do not party. Bored out of my skull. On other hand, they keep talking about how free they feel here. #iguesspyongyangisn’tsobad

Thinking when I take over I’ll be more Bloomberg-y than Giuliani-y. Thoughts, Tweeps?

It’s official. Prefer Jay to Conan or Letterman. Bored of Colbert (always the same joke) and wish Stewart wasn’t such an Obama toady. And that’s saying something. #evenwehavelimitsinthedprk

Brilliant Idea: create World League of Super Leaders — include @dearleader, @muamargaddafy, @basharassad, @mugabe, @mahmoudahmadinejad, etc., etc. Have badges and uniforms. Big bash in Pyongyang.

Response to Brilliant Idea at party meeting: crickets. Holding back tears. Can hear the generals snickering. #I’dbeshotifmynamewasn’tKim

Would I ever leave my homeland? Sure. Am already pursuing teaching post at London School of Economics. Considered Harvard, but maybe too liberal?

Watching new @drwho with @dearleader. Was watching alone, then he came in and sat down next to me without saying anything. #nicemoment

Gotta say. Best part about taking over after @dearleader? The purges. #scorestosettle

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