Magazine | October 3, 2011, Issue

The Twitter stream of @youthcaptain, the next leader of North Korea . . .

Girls, help me out. If a guy is powerful and connected, does it matter if he’s a little on the plump side? Asking for a friend. Please RT!

Hey! @gwynethpaltrow! I think ur very very pretty and would love to show you the lights of Rason City. Know that you’re in a relationship. Doesn’t have to be big thing. NSA fine with me.

Suggested to @dearleader that maybe he should think about making a big jobs speech like @barackobama. He asks why, I tell him about unemployment #s in DPRK. Looks at me strangely. #badfeelingaboutthis

Gotta say sad news from Tripoli. Wishing I was back partying with the @gaddafyboys #brosb4hos

Do my feet look fat in these boots? twitpic.com/fr55k0

Please stop DMing me, @saifelislamgaddafy. Seriously. No help here. Also: @dearleader would like the centrifuges back.

Sometimes you wear the jumpsuit, sometimes the jumpsuit wears you. Try to tell that to @dearleader and all I get is a nasty look. #fathersandsons

Hey! @kristenstewart! Am shooting a film here in @therealkorea and would love to have you in the cast! Can pay you in ginkgo! DM me!

@youthcaptain just checked into Quizno’s Pyongyang #foursquare

@youthcaptain is Mayor of Quizno’s Pyongyang!! #foursquare

Watching the Republican debate on the satellite. @dearleader likes @jonhuntsman but I think @rickperry won it hands down. The minute I say that, @dearleader sulks furious.

Wondering what selvedge is, and why I need my jeans to be selvedge. Answers, @jcrew?

Sometimes when @dearleader falls asleep he looks like Korean version of American movie star Bette Davis near the end. See for yourself twitpic.com/3z1r4

DM @saifelislamgaddafy I wish I could help. Be really cool to get together again. But @dearleader is insisting we get the missiles back. Please @reply me.

Wondering if @evalongoria has ever seen Mt. Kumgang in the moonlight. Well, if she hasn’t, I’m inviting her! PLEASE RT!

Watching the after-debate spin with @dearleader. Consensus seems to be that @rickperry won. @dearleader now agrees. When I say it, he ignores me. When @wolfblitzer says it, it’s true. Sigh.

#page#Hey! @merylstreep! I think ur very very pretty and would love to show you the lights of Rason City. Know that you’re in a relationship. Doesn’t have to be big thing. NSA fine with me.

DPRK labor statistician no longer answers my DMs. Wondering if maybe I should have kept mymouth shut re: unemployment #s. Oh well.

Thing about kimchi is, when you think you’ve had enough, you’ve already had way way too much. #kimchibreath

In a meeting with some of @dearleader’s advisers. Mentioned that it would be great to have our own DPRK version of “Morning Joe.” Suggested self as “Joe.” Wonder when exactly we Koreans lost our traditional politeness. #laughwithmenotatme

Hey! @michelebachmann! I think ur very very pretty and would love to show you the lights of Rason City. Know that you’re in a relationship. Doesn’t have to be big thing. NSA fine with me.

Is it weird that of all the characters on #entourage I really really identify with Turtle? #justbeinghonest

Don’t get the appeal of @ronpaul. Seems like a crazy old man on a park bench. And I have some experience with those. Hint, hint @dearleader.

Hey! @joanrivers! I think ur very very pretty and would love to show you the lights of Rason City. Know that you’re in a relationship. Doesn’t have to be big thing. NSA fine with me.

So my new thing is to be very steampunk. Put on a whole outfit, walked into the TV room, and @dearleader looks at me and asks if we’ve restarted the DPRK space program. #cantwin

Does this look right to you? Wondering if this is just a rash or something more. Any MDs among my Tweeps?? twitpic.com/81fgdf

Hey! I’m going to be live tweeting this meeting of the People’s Revolutionary Agricultural Progress Council! @reply me your questions for the group.

Hey! I’m not going to be live tweeting this meeting of the People’s Revolutionary Agricultural Progress Council! Was not aware that I was violating security protocols. My mega bad.

Hey! @meredithvieira! I think ur very very pretty and would love to show you the lights of Rason City. Know that you’re in a relationship. Doesn’t have to be big thing. NSA fine with me.

Rob Long — Rob Long, Hollywood writer and producer, started his career as a screenwriter for the TV show Cheers. He is a regular writer for National Review, Newsweek International, and the Los ...

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