Magazine | November 28, 2011, Issue

NSA Surveillance Transcript

Document Extract: 11.08.11

GMT 08.93

Begin Extract

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE:   Hello?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:   Who is this, please?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE:   Herman? Herman Cain? This is Bill Clinton.

HERMAN CAIN:   Bill Clinton? The Bill Clinton?

BILL CLINTON:  You got it!

HERMAN CAIN:   What can I do for you, Mr. President?

BILL CLINTON:   I thought I was returning your call.

HERMAN CAIN:   No, sir. I didn’t call you.

BILL CLINTON:   Are you sure?

HERMAN CAIN:   I think I’d remember that.

BILL CLINTON:   Heck, I know. I just wanted to reach out to you. I’ve been reading the papers and whatnot about your current . . . issues. Just wanted to say hey, how’s it going, maybe ask a couple of questions.

HERMAN CAIN:   I think I know what this is all about, Mr. Clinton, and I’ll tell you what I’ve told the media and everyone else who has asked. I did not do any of those things I’ve been accused of –

[Chuckling on the line.]

BILL CLINTON:   Yeah, yeah. Could sing a few bars of that myself. But seriously, I just want to say that I’m here for you, in your corner. You know, folks don’t understand guys like us. We’re guys, I mean, right? Got stress stuff to deal with, work stuff, all sorts of stuff. And every now and then we gotta relax.

HERMAN CAIN:   As I’ve said, sir, I categorically deny any and all allegations of that nature.

BILL CLINTON:   Right, right. Right. Of course.

HERMAN CAIN:   Is there anything else I can help you with?

BILL CLINTON:   It’s just that I read here on Drudge that some gal was in a car with you? And you slipped a hand up her skirt? And maybe kind of indicated what you had in mind?

HERMAN CAIN:   I’ll say it again. These are all categorical untruths.

BILL CLINTON:   Okay, fine, we’ll play it that way. But, then, hypothetically, does that work? Because in my experience, if you actually push the gal against the car seat and –

HERMAN CAIN:   Sir, I have a very busy day ahead of me. Is there anything else we need to talk about?

BILL CLINTON:   Well, I mean, I don’t want to get into hypotheticals, okay? Let’s just stipulate that this is just two dudes talking, just two brothers smokin’ and jokin’, but I was wondering about that gal who is in the news this morning, the gal from Chicago with the blonde hair and the figure? You know who I mean? She’s a big gal — not too big, but she’s got something to hold on to, know what I’m saying?

HERMAN CAIN:   What’s your question, Mr. President?

BILL CLINTON:   You wouldn’t happen to have her number, would you?

HERMAN CAIN:   Again: I’ve never met that woman. I’ve said it hundreds of times.

BILL CLINTON:   No, no. No, of course, you’ve never met her. I get that. And I think you’re handling this totally right. Don’t get me wrong. I just mean, you know, if maybe there was some way for someone on the Cain Team to get a message to that gal that a certain former president is sitting at home clicking on Drudge and feeling his heart go pitter-pat, I’d be awfully grateful.

HERMAN CAIN:   Mr. President, there’s nothing more to say. I don’t know the woman, I deny the charges, and, sir, I really have to hang up now.

BILL CLINTON:   Okay, okay. I get it. Don’t get all huffy. Look, whatever happens this year, at some point, Herman — can I call you Herman? — at some point you’re going to be a guy who something big happened to and then who suddenly found himself hanging around the house during the day, watching hot moms walk around the neighborhood and clearing the history on the Web browser. And at that point, sir, I want you to remember this call.

HERMAN CAIN:   I don’t mean any disrespect, Mr. President, but I don’t think I’m that kind of guy.

BILL CLINTON:   Oh, hell, Herman. We’re all that kind of guy.

HERMAN CAIN:   I have to run, sir.

BILL CLINTON:   Fine. Fine. Okay. Go run your big campaign. But I’m serious. I’m here for you, man. You ever just want to hang out, maybe grab a few beers, then grab a few waitresses, let me know. You, sir, would be a legendary wingman.

HERMAN CAIN:   Thank you, sir.

BILL CLINTON:  Sure you can’t help me out with that gal’s number?

HERMAN CAIN: Goodbye, Mr. President.

End Extract

Rob Long — Rob Long, Hollywood writer and producer, started his career as a screenwriter for the TV show Cheers. He is a regular writer for National Review, Newsweek International, and the Los ...

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Document Extract: 11.08.11 GMT 08.93 Begin Extract UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE:   Hello? UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:   Who is this, please? UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE:   Herman? Herman Cain? This is Bill Clinton. HERMAN CAIN:   Bill Clinton? The Bill Clinton? BILL ...

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