Magazine | January 23, 2012, Issue

From the Twitter feed of Kim Jong Un, @youthcaptain

Wondering why they bothered to make Sex and the City 2.

Problem with Cheetos: orange fingers. Gets all over my black jumpsuit. Dad goes ballistic. Calls me too fat to be a dictator. Solution: get a great big spoon. No telltale dust! #Igotsolutions

Home alone! Dad’s on a train! I can hop around on my big piano key thing!

#lovethemovieBig

The best thing about Dad being away on a trip is that I can do my Risky Business dance.

Here’s me in my undies: Twitpic tinyurl.345.23

Things suddenly weird here. Was dancing in my underwear to David Guetta and Usher (LOVE “Without You!”) and 2 generals just walked in and looked at me and then told me to get dressed. Something’s up.

OMG. Just heard from Party Center. They think Dad may be dead. He hasn’t moved in 17 hours. Another hour and it will be a record. Worried.

Waiting for news about Dad, watching reruns on iPad. Why were there 2 Darrens in Bewitched? Help, Tweeps?

Lots of activity. No one tells me anything. Think something really bad is happening. Am trying to remember that food is not a stress reliever and that I will regret eating the entire scallion cake. #foodisnotlove

L Please RT.

So everyone is looking at me and wondering what’s next. And I’m wondering if this means I get to kidnap Sandra Bullock now. Not quite getting all that’s going on, clearly.

Dad is gone. I’m eating pizza and crying. Looking though old photos of him. Don’t see the resemblance. But maybe that’s just a protective measure. #thatawkwardfeeling

Walking along the funeral procession watching the people go crazy with grief. Am I wrong or is this a perfect time to try to pick up girls? Get the sympathy vote?

#donthatetheplayer

Once when I told Dad that I should represent DPRK on American Idol, he threw his tea cup at me. Left a scar. I told him I hated him. Now I run my fingers over that scar and think, Dad, why couldn’t you just love me for me?

Standing in front of Dad’s casket thinking about that song “Cat’s in the Cradle.” He never had time for me. And now it’s too late. Tweeps, hold your kids close and tell them that you love them.

Wondering when I get to choose my bride. Very interested in Pippa Middleton. Unclear how to go about abducting her. #buildingbridges

Big picture of Dad on the funeral car. Had a moment alone with it. Told it I loved it and would always miss it. It didn’t say anything. Just looked on impassively. Just like Dad. Just like Dad.

#page#Have to go into big series of meetings with the army. Won’t be fun. They think I’m too young and not tough enough. Am wearing all black which is slimming. #whyimsexy

Don’t like the vibe here in this meeting. Keep talking about “question of succession.” Question? Hello? Don’t we all know who is taking over? Why is everyone looking at me that way?

#youknowyoureindangerwhen I thought this Coffee Heath Bar Crunch ice cream tasted funny. Gave some to my cat and she just collapsed. Bad batch?

#youknowyoureindangerwhen In a meeting with generals, suggested that we create an all-girl topless and bottomless army. Who would be able to resist such a thing? General Park grabbed me by the throat and started strangling me.

Wow! Everyone is so uptight right now. General Yoo tried to stab me in the heart with a pencil just now. Got lodged in the fatty tissue around my left pectoral. Dad? Are you still mad about the Ben & Jerry’s? Saved my life!

Nobody misses Dad more than me. But this is really giving me the opportunity to shine. For instance, according to the newspaper, I invented Facebook! Cool, huh? #thingsyoudidntknowaboutme

Mom just showed me something great! Picture of Generals Yoo and Park hanging by piano wire! Celebrated by frying some peanut-butter sandwiches. #ilovemymom

Pyongyang newspaper reports that my weight is 180. Which is fantastic because I could have swore I was about 290. Nice to know the jumpsuits have shrunk somehow.

Hey! Let’s crowdsource the next move. Should I 1) invade South Korea. 2) appear in a Bollywood film. 3) marry cougar hottie Helen Mirren? PLEASE RT!

@youthcaptain is now the Mayor of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. #foursquare

Hey! Tweeps! Hold me to this! No carbs in 2012! For serious.

Rob Long — Rob Long, Hollywood writer and producer, started his career as a screenwriter for the TV show Cheers. He is a regular writer for National Review, Newsweek International, and the Los ...

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