Magazine | April 2, 2012, Issue

From the Twitter Stream of Kim Jong Un, @youthcaptain

Tweeps! You choose! Which look sexier on me? Boxers, briefs, or bikini briefs? Check it out: http://twitpic.com/a3wr7q Probably NSFW, though.

Anyone know if @sandrafluke is single?

Uncle says I need to lay off the rice. I say my people want a robust-looking leader. Uncle says I need to lay off the rice. So now I have to lay off the rice. #whosinchargehere?

Big meeting with the Chinese later this week. Am trying to read the briefing books, but part of me just wants to wing it. Why don’t we just have a few beers, @hujintao

Although I disagreed with him politically, I respect what @andrewbreitbart accomplished and send my thoughts to his family and loved ones.

But the bigger question is, why was @andrewbreitbart not executed immediately when @barackobama took power? #wecanlearnfromeachother

You know who has terrific hair? @newtgingrich, that’s who. Just an awesome and stylish guy. Hope he wins.

Tweeps tell me there’s an Internet rumor that I was assassinated in Beijing today! Apparently by “powerful factions” in my own government! Hilarious! I’m fine, Tweeps! PLEASE RT!

You can’t actually ride on top of a nuclear missile. Learned that one today. The national-defense minister could have said it nicer, though.

Just heard that @snooki from #jerseyshore is pregnant. Am I the only one who is surprised? Thought she was better than that.

When I make a visit to a factory or whatever, I’m supposed to deliver “on-the-spot guidance.” But sometimes I just point into the crowd and ask my host, “Who’s she?”

Hey! @BravoAndy! Spending a lot of time working on a pilot for “Real Housewives of Pyongyang.” Hope you’ll consider!

Self portrait of me looking very arty and sensual. instagr.am/p/IH4g44d7 Please note: NSFW!

@sandrafluke Just want you to know I deplore what @rushlimbaugh said about you. But if it’s true, how would you like a free trip to Pyongyang?

Meeting with Chinese this morning did not go well. Did not like my plan to exchange 10 million North Koreans for food aid and an Airbus A380. #justthinkingoutsidethebox

#page#Been thinking about @snooki a lot. She’s pregnant and putting on weight. Saw a picture of her and was like Rowrrrr! #likethembig

Hey! @sandrafluke! Follow me so I can DM you!

Uncle and I are still laughing and laughing about the silly rumor about factions in the government trying to kill me. Laughing and laughing. Well, I’m laughing. He’s just smiling in a weird way. #dontgetoldpeople

We want multi-party talks. Then we don’t want them. Then we want them again. So why am I suddenly the dumb one when I get the two mixed up? #itsdumponkimjongundayiguess

Woke up early today to go running. Was rushed to the hospital for extreme out-of-breathness. Uncle just rolled his eyes. #ihavehealthissuessosueme

Hey, @sandrafluke. Glad that @rushlimbaugh apologized. Offer still stands, though. I give great backrubs!

Went back to the Chinese and offered 15 million North Koreans for food aid, 1 million cases of Coke Zero, an Airbus, and two cars to be named later. Did not get the response I was hoping for.

Just heard that @davyjones of #themonkees died. So sad. Such a great talent. Tweeps, help me out: who were #themonkees again?

@snooki, please follow me so I can DM you. Have a great offer for you.

On viewing stand for military parade. Uncle creeps up behind me and shouts “bang!” Naturally I freak. Uncle laughs and looks at me strangely. #goodtohaveasecondjumpsuithandy

Hey Tweeps! Any good recommendations for weight-loss techniques? Must be effective and fast and also allow cheat days. And rice. And ice cream. And anything Entenmann’s. #allaboutthecarbsandthesugar

Chinese tell me in talks that they really don’t want any North Koreans, either in exchange or as barter. Not sure if I should be insulted by that. Choosing to take the high road. #leadership

Uncle walks in on me while I’m in the bathtub to present me with a brand-new radio. It’s plugged in and he mistakenly drops it into the tub. Weird practical joke. #thankgodforpoweroutages

I’ve been working out! Can’t you tell? Check it out: twitpic.com/fFF5034h Warning: NSFW!

@snooki, unsure what your status is guy-wise. But would love the opportunity to give your child a wonderful home in the DPRK. And maybe have one of our own heh heh #instantfamily

Hey everyone! Please follow my uncle, @jangsongthaek. A great guy, new to the Twitters, been a huge source of support for me. Can’t ever replace dad, but @jangsongthaek comes awfully close! #FF

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