Magazine | May 14, 2012, Issue

From the Twitter stream of Kim Jong Un, @youthcaptain . . .

That awkward moment when you realize that the uncle you think you’re talking to is the uncle that executed the uncle you think you’re talking to.

Tweeps, need advice. Be honest now: Does this area of my body need manscaping? twit.pic17/r50

Hey! @barackobama! We’ve got more in common than you think! I’m a fan of dog meat, too! #buildingbridges

Hey Tweeps! We still don’t have #gameofthrones here in the DPRK. So do me a solid and LAY OFF THE SPOILERS kaybye.

Huge HUGE missile launch coming up! V. v. v. excited! Please RT!

How is it possible to lay off the carbs in a rice-based culture?? Wonder how everybody else in this country stays so slim. Sigh. #priceofleadership

Wondering why exactly people think @mittromney has a weird religion. My grandfather was born on a mountain by a ray of sunshine. My dad had x-ray vision. Nobody thinks that’s weird, right?

Loving that @lindsaylohan is in talks to play Elizabeth Taylor. Hey, Hollywood! Forgive her already! She’s majorly talented! #wouldlovetoplayMikeToddmyself

Ordered a brand-new jumpsuit for the big missile launch. Lots more pockets. Really fashion-forward orange color. More room in the waist area. #sigh #losingweightisabummer

Hey, @nbc! Don’t cancel @community! Some of us can’t wait to get hooked on it when Hulu gets descrambled! PLEASE RT

@newtgingrich Got your DM. Not sure what it means, though. Would love to talk over Third Wave ideas as soon as I finish your book. Thanks for sending it. PS. You’re looking good. Lost some major lbs. How????

RT Right-wing attack machine will backfire in November @ericboehlert

Stand tall, @annromney. My mom worked hard raising us kids. Not easy to do, especially when she was at that prison farm. And I gotta say: You are one HOT grandmother. #respectforwomen

Uncle Yoon sees me in my new orange jumpsuit, says, “How are things in Sing Sing?” Which I didn’t get until I Googled it. #they’llallpayeventually

I don’t get it. @harrypotter’s dad is Snape? For reals? Not sure I like this direction. Prefer to think of his dad as a version of my dad, but with fewer magical powers.

Hey, @annromney. Just to add to my last Tweet. Really think you’re something special. Wondering if there’s anything happening between us? I feel your energy coming at me through my TV. Is that a weird thing to say? #feelingmywayhere

From Korean Heritage Cookbook: Older dogs are braising dogs. FYI, @barackobama

#page#Tomorrow’s the big missile launch. So stoked. I get to push the button and everything. Lots of dirty looks when I told them that. #haterscankissmyyouknowwhat

We’re about 5 minutes from the missile launch. Generals keep treating me like I’m an idiot. I KNOW what button to push, okay? Green for go, Red for abort. What’s so complicated about that?? #stupidgenerals

@annromney Haven’t heard from you. Not sure why you’re being this way. Please follow me so I can DM you! @mittromney doesn’t have to know.

Hey Tweeps! That flare you’re gonna see in the sky is a DPRK missile launched by yours truly! #countdown

Wait. Was it Green for go and Red for abort? Or the other way around? I’m confused but I’ll be damned if I’ll ask one of my know-it-all uncles. Maybe I’ll just press them both.

That big fiery streak you see in the sky is for you, @heidiklum. My love for you is like a burning missile aiming straight for your heart.

Turns out it was BLUE for go. Green and Red both tell the missile to explode in the air. Which doesn’t make any sense? Why put a button on there if it does that? #notmyfault

People very upset at me. Not sure how I’m to blame. Yes I pushed the wrong button. Well, buttons. Not sure why that’s now a crime against humanity. #theynevermademistakes?

If a person has food issues and eats when he is upset and being YELLED AT by a bunch of CREEPY uncles for something that ISN’T REALLY HIS FAULT, why is it okay to yell at him for eating all of the ICE CREAM in the country? #notalotoficecreamintheDPRKbutstill

Question for U.N. and international-law Tweeps: Can an autocratic ruler get grounded? Asking for a friend.

@barackobama The trick is to remember to remove the collar and the tags before putting into the microwave. #learnedthehardway

Would like to hear from any of my Tweeps who have been in the situation of being a supreme leader who is admittedly a little green but who just needs some understanding from a lot of very very inflexible Korean uncles.

@annromney Thanks for following me back. I’m DMing you some pics. Please DO NOT RT any of them. Just trying to show you how much and how deep my feelings are.

Rob Long — Rob Long, Hollywood writer and producer, started his career as a screenwriter for the TV show Cheers. He is a regular writer for National Review, Newsweek International, and the Los ...

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