Magazine | April 30, 2012, Issue




RE: Drink?

Keith! Darling! I wish I could get together this week. Just totally crazy with everything.

But quickly, before I forget, no, we don’t have any plan to do more video here at AOL. And I appreciate it when you say you’d be happy to do it for only $5 million a year.

Let’s get together when things aren’t so nuts . . .





Paramount Pictures

5555 Melrose Avenue

Hollywood, CA 90038

Dear Mr. Olbermann:

Many thanks for your recent letter and résumé. Everyone here, of course, is a big fan of your work — both at ESPN and later — and we’re all thrilled and honored that you thought of us during your current job search.

Unfortunately, at the present time we have no positions available that suit the criteria you outlined. Nothing in the “extremely powerful” category, nothing in the “I cannot bathe myself” sector, and nothing in the “$1 million per day in perpetuity” area of compensation.

The media business, as we know you’re aware, is a highly competitive and often entrepreneurial one. We only wish we could take on someone with your qualifications (and demands) but the interests of our shareholders and current Sarbanes-Oxley regulations forbid it.

All the best for what we know will be an exciting future.

Paramount Pictures



Mr. Roger Ailes


Fox News, New York, NY

Dear Keith:

Just got your letter. You’re kidding, right?







RE: Job app

Thnx for coming n2 the McDonalds on Jefferson Turnpike, dude. We got your app and stuff and everything should be cool. Just need the drug-test info and previous employers etc. U cool working fry-o-lator?

One other thing: You know that we don’t drive you to and from work, right? Cause one of the girls heard you talking on your phone to someone and you were all like, hey this new gig I get driven around and stuff. And you know it’s minimum to start and then we bump you about two bucks after week four, right? You’re cool with that? Because she also heard you talking about some crazy numbers. Just so we’re cool.

And I asked about the uniform stuff, and I was right — it is a total rule. You can’t wear that suit you wore when you came in to fill out the app.

Also, are you like some kind of TV star? One of the old ladies who does mall walking says she saw you on the news. Awesome!

Lemme know about that stuff,


Assistant Manager



RE: Recent domain purchase

Congratulations! You now own the following domains:





Best of luck with your new domains!





Office of the Chairman

Goldman Sachs

Dear Keith:

It was great to chat this morning and to spend some time catching up! It was indeed an amazing coincidence to run into you at my gym, which, honestly, I thought was private. Who knew?

And I can’t tell you how flattering it is to know that you think of us and our operation as “family.” We certainly all are giant fans of your work.

I have to be honest, though, and say that investment banking isn’t something you just “pick up along the way.” Goldman has a long tradition of promoting from within the ranks — it’s one of the pledges we make, and keep, to our employees — so I’m sure you’ll understand why it would be awkward, to say the least, to suddenly announce that we’ve created a new position, Executive President, and that a relative — though talented — novice is filling it.

And this really isn’t a question of compensation. While your salary ask was momentarily stunning — and, again, I’m sorry for my initial reaction to you when you mentioned the figure; I must have eaten some bad shellfish the night before — even for Goldman Sachs there’s a limit.

But, as I said, there really isn’t a place for a broadcaster such as yourself in an investment bank like ours.

All the best,

Goldman Sachs



Customer Service

Dear OlbermannK:

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The Team

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