Magazine | August 13, 2012, Issue

From the Twitter feed of Kim Jong Un, @youthcaptain

Oh, carbs! Why do I love you so much? Why do you taste so nom nom? #losinglbsishardworkevenforasupremeleader

Not sure why @generalriyongho was hiding in my armoire, but he certainly gave me a jolt. Also not sure why he had that Luger. Oh well. I’ll ask him when he comes to. #goodthingIhadmyfreeweights

Some songs just hit you like they were written just for you. For me that’s “Cat’s in the Cradle.” Also “Wind Beneath My Wings.” Also “Super Freak.” #feelinglonely

Had tea with Uncle Sung today. I think he’s warming up to me. When I talked about how great it would be to kidnap hip-hop sensation Drake to help build up our music biz he was totally silent. I expected him to slap me. Progress!

Hard to decide which labor camp to visit and which one to liquidate. #secondworldproblems

I just ousted @SungKimCha as mayor of Pyongyang Military Academy.

Hey, Tweeps, check out my super fresh new tat. It’s of my dad, sipping ginseng tea underneath a mountain. But instead of tattooing a mountain, I’ve just used my . . . well see for yourself:

Hey! @morganfairchild! Please follow me so I can DM you! #haveagreatoffer

FF @govjerrybrown @mattyglesias @ericalterman Great guys, really crushing it in their respective realms. (How about a follow back, dudes? Good Twittiquette!)

That awkward moment when you want to connect with your uncle who is trying to replace your dictator father but you just can’t ever call him “Dad”

Find myself totally into dubstep. Cannot get enough. Loving the new Skrillex. Wish I knew what all of that was.

Hey Tweeps! A Twitter request: 1. What is dubstep? 2. Who is Skrillex? #northkoreaneedsspotify

A long meeting with military types. People keep asking about the new “marshal” position and who’s going to get it. Personally, more interested in @americanidol

@markzuckerberg Did you find it hard to get people to take a young leader seriously? Cuz I sure do! #youngdudesrule

I stand with President Barack Obama and his Plan to Finish the Job! Please RT! @obamaforamerica

#page#Lots of weird conversations with @unclesung recently. Keeps asking me to take tea with him. I know he’s reaching out, but have a hard time opening up to him. Wish he hadn’t tried to execute me all those years ago. Makes it hard to get close.

Hey! @katieholmes! Very sorry to hear about you and @tomcruise. But if you like that kind of stuff, why not come to #nork?? I could make you a very happy First Lady!

Not sure why @generalriyongho has been such a pill lately. Especially when I made sure we only executed his wife, who is huge, and not his daughter, who is smoking hot. #nogooddeed

Hey, Tweeps, does this tea look odd to you? @unclesung just poured it for me. Is it supposed to be cloudy? PLEASE RT

I will never ever understand why they make us wait until the next season begins to be able to download the last season. #hbosux #gameofthrones

Thanks, Tweeps. Decided to give tea to the cat when @unclesung wasn’t looking. Then cat disappeared. Weird stuff.

Just now read in the paper that @generalriyongho has “retired due to health reasons,” which is weird because right now at this minute I’m using his polished skull as an iPad docking station. #reuserecycle

Wondering where my cat is. Oh well. It’s #korea after all! #gotsomethingincommonwithbarack

I just checked into Pyongyang Military Detainment Center! I just unlocked Unenlightened Despot Badge!

They’re dancing all over town to celebrate my elevation as supreme marshal of the armed forces. I wish I could feel their joy. #noonetosharemylifewith

Loving #sullivanandson on @tbs!

Dropped a Milk Dud and when I went to pick it up, felt a live round zip past my ear. Gotta be @unclesung. Why can’t he just say he loves me and hug me like a normal uncle? Why does he always have to try to kill me? #oldschool

Just saw myself on the news. I have to be honest: I’m looking REALLY good these days! Lost a lot of weight in the face and my pants seem less balloon-y. #gottacelebrateyoursuccess

Just spoke to adoring military personnel. It’s so amazing how much they love me! I hope I can accept it instead of doubting myself and my worth like I always do. #tonyrobbins

Hey, @katieholmes! Please follow me so I can DM you. We have a lot to talk about. #notasweirdasscientologyipromise

Cure to shortness problem! Have your uncle dismembered and placed into a box. Then stand on the box to give a speech to the rest of the generals. #looktall #makestatement

Rob Long — Rob Long, Hollywood writer and producer, started his career as a screenwriter for the TV show Cheers. He is a regular writer for National Review, Newsweek International, and the Los ...

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