Magazine | July 30, 2012, Issue


Post-Bloomberg Edition

The fish is “as fresh as you’ll find it anywhere,” and the New England clam chowder is as creamy as possible under NYC Health and Safety regulations on dairy use per portion. The oyster crackers have been replaced by low-carb repurposed packing materials, and they are no longer available by the dozen, but the old style of the place is “intact and better than ever.” Tuck into a variety of sustainable low-sodium fish products — many served with a zesty lemon wedge for added flavor — and enjoy the simple, unadorned low-fat charm of fish steamed in plain water and served as a drinkable paste. Moderate to expensive. Lunch and dinner.

Carnegie Deli has been feeding the “late-night show-biz crowd” with “enormous portions” of cheesecake and “mile-high” stacks of pastrami for decades. Open late for “midnight cravings,” these days it’s a place to see New York’s deli cognoscenti tuck into city-health-police-regulated, portion-controlled mini-sandwich-ettes of tofurkey and salt-free korned bean-f (a tasty and heart-healthy soya-based mock-corned-beef product). Alas, the cheesecake hasn’t been served — or baked — since the famous Carnegie Deli cheesecake producer was arrested for violating NYC Health and Safety Ordinance 310-H-9, prohibiting the sale and manufacture of sweetened dairy products within city limits. Enjoy! Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Open late.

This “glamorous, upscale” Manhattan restaurant is “perfect for star-gazing” and a classic American answer to the “Parisian fine-dining experience.” Come for the “gilded pampering” and the “tasteful interior design,” and stay for the “dazzling wine list” (customers limited to two (2) 3 oz. servings of beverage alcohol, in accordance with NYC Health and Safety Ordinance). Since the public execution of the pastry chef, a meal at Daniel is “surprisingly affordable.” Jackets for men. Bar menu discontinued due to Bar Closure Ordinance.

This “local favorite” is “half dive, half pizza mecca,” and it has lines out the door to prove it. Angelo’s manages to “conform” to the current pizza regulations enforced by the NYC Health and Safety Department, and diners are recommended to “dip your slice into the bowl of warm water” that accompanies each order, which will “loosen up” the soy-based cheese strands and soften the “faux-peroni” disks. No beer. No wine. No soda. Lunch and dinner.

Closed by order of NYC Health and Safety Department, in violation of the Pastrami Ordinance and the Salted Meats Prohibition. Mail-order customers or those still holding cured meats and/or pickles from this establishment are required to surrender them to the NYC Department of Health and Safety, either in person or utilizing the blue dropboxes for banned foodstuffs/drinkables located throughout the city.


This “Brooklyn institution” is famous for its small portions — 3 oz. or less, in accordance with NYC Health and Safety Regulation 349A-01 — and its total lack of the fried potato. It would seem impossible to serve “delicious, tender” all-American beef without the use of salt, but somehow Peter Luger does it. New York’s only remaining steakhouse after the forced closures of Palm, Smith & Wollensky, Homeland, Strip House, Wolfgang’s, Patroon, 43rd Street Steakhouse, and all Tad’s locations, Luger’s “holds up the standard” of the classic Manhattan steakhouse with “pride and ingenuity,” especially considering that, in addition to prohibiting salt, NYC Health and Safety Ordinance 733-H-0K specifically bans the use of beef fat within city limits. No credit cards. No alcohol served. One member of each party must order vegan.

Chinese restaurants in the city have been disappearing since the advent of Mayor Bloomberg’s NYC Health and Safety regulations, but Chan Yang Szechuan holds on with a “winning mix of old Chinese and new healthy cooking.” It’s now an all-broccoli menu, with a variety of broccoli and mini-corn dishes to “remind diners of the stuff they used to pick around” when they enjoyed Chinese food in years past. No reservations.

Chef Thomas Keller’s “temple of haute cuisine” serves “spectacularly memorable” multi-course tasting menus in a “lavish” and “opulent” setting. Diners enjoy his “pricey but worth it” all-steamed-vegetable menus, and some return “again and again” for his annual “Study in Rice Cake” chef’s menu. If you’re not “put off by the police standing by to enforce the No Foie Gras Ordinance” or by the “eye-popping prices” for organic yard trimmings, you’ll “flip” for the “hip, stylish” interior and the bottled-water choices. Expensive to very.

In This Issue


Politics & Policy

This Isn’t CNN

Over three months in the winter of 1991, the eminently fashionable French Theorist Jean Baudrillard — you can tell he’s eminently fashionable because “Theorist” is capitalized and takes no modifier ...


Politics & Policy

Russia’s Choice

On the surface, Moscow has never looked more prosperous. High-end restaurants are full. Cyclists, strollers, and rollerbladers crowd Gorky Park. Newly built skyscrapers give the city a modern skyline, and ...

Books, Arts & Manners

Politics & Policy

The Thirty Years’ War

As American diplomats and their international partners prepared to sit down with their Iranian counterparts in Baghdad last May to discuss Iran’s nuclear program, the State Department was aflutter. In ...
Politics & Policy

The Marriage Mess

The debate over whether to recognize same-sex relationships as marriages is among the most sensitive, difficult, and important in American public life. Sensitive, because it addresses real people’s happiness, and ...
Politics & Policy

Love Poetry

Angels — at least according to Hollywood — are handsome, shining, and strong. But the angel in Dana Gioia’s new book of poems looks like he’s been in a fight ...
Politics & Policy

Shock Plus Nothing

On the weekend before the Fourth of July, Americans lined up for two raunchy, R-rated exercises in transgression. In heartland cities like Indianapolis, Nashville, and Kansas City, notionally havens of ...


Happy Warrior

Street-Sign Statism

I’ve spent the last few weeks tootling round various parts of Britain and Europe, and, as always, it takes me a couple of days to acclimatize to local driving norms. ...
Politics & Policy


Is Nominal-Income Targeting Effective? In “Monetary Regime Change” (June 11), David Beckworth and Ramesh Ponnuru suggest that the Federal Reserve should adopt a target for nominal-income growth of 5 percent per ...
Politics & Policy


BELL AND CHALICE Our Reach To Heaven rings true to our humanity through symbols tangible to the mind and to the eye; the deeper the history, the more compelling the concept, the stronger its grip. The chalice bearing the ...

War of the Worldviews

A recent National Geographic survey found that Americans trusted Barack Obama over Mitt Romney in the case of an alien invasion. Sixty-five percent to 35 percent. It is not clear ...

Most Popular

Politics & Policy

He Just Can’t Help Himself

By Saturday, the long-simmering fight between Nancy Pelosi and her allies on one side and the “squad” associated with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on the other had risen to an angrier and more destructive level at the Netroots Nation conference. Representative Ayanna Pressley, an African-American Massachusetts ... Read More

Gender Dissenter Gets Fired

Allan M. Josephson is a distinguished psychiatrist who, since 2003, has transformed the division of child and adolescent psychiatry and psychology at the University of Louisville from a struggling department to a nationally acclaimed program. In the fall of 2017 he appeared on a panel at the Heritage Foundation ... Read More
Politics & Policy

Pelosi’s House of Pain

Not so long ago — as recently as the cover of the March 2019 Rolling Stone, in fact — they seemed like the best of friends. I'm referring to Nancy Pelosi and the members of "The Squad": Ilhan Omar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and (not pictured) Rashida Tlaib and Ayanna Pressley. They shared some good ... Read More
PC Culture

A Herd Has No Mind

sup { vertical-align: super; font-size: smaller; } Funny thing about my new book: I had begun shopping around the proposal for writing it long before my brief period of employment with that other magazine and the subsequent witless chimp-brained media freakout and Caffeine-Free Diet Maoist struggle ... Read More