Magazine | October 15, 2012, Issue

Pharmaceutical Aids for Election Season

Slantrusose™

Along with Timesitrac™, Slantrusose™ can be used for symptoms of dizziness and disorientation brought upon by overexposure to the New York Times and other outlets of the liberal media. Timesitrac™ is a highly concentrated dose specifically aimed at New York Times–related symptoms (David Brooks’s columns are especially indicated) and Slantrusose™ contains a broad-spectrum prophylactic against most other kinds of left-wing distortions. PLEASE NOTE: None of these medications are 100 percent effective. Your personal-care professional MAY prescribe multiple doses from this family of medications. SPECIAL NOTE: For Paul Krugman–specific disorders, the only medication to pass clinical trials is KrugerAsse™, available in ointment or suppository.

Centriflux™

An anger-management preparation proven highly effective in controlling violent and uncontrolled outbursts in patients who have heard President Barack Obama described as a “centrist.” Possible other triggers are words like “bipartisan” and “partisanship.” Centriflux™ has been used to treat patients who experience feelings of helplessness and bafflement when confronting the current political season. Possible side effects: drowsiness and/or loss of short-term memory.

Moderaterall™

Moderaterall™ works along the same neural pathways as Centriflux™, but it’s specifically targeted at the brain-stem reactions when a person known to the patient describes him- or herself as a “moderate” but nonetheless presents as a far-left partisan. In trials, patients who received 250mg of Moderaterall™ were able to successfully complete social engagements — including family dinners — with such self-proclaimed “moderates” without resorting to physical behavior, withering sarcasm, or demanding the immediate repayment of outstanding loans. Possible side effects: frequent bowel movements and the inability to control them.

Spinatrill™

A higher-impact and more powerful version of Slantrusose™, Spinatrill™ renders whole sections of the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, and Time magazine, as well as large portions of popular websites such as The Huffington Post, completely illegible to the patient. In addition, CNN and MSNBC are almost entirely muted except for the Sleep Number advertisements. Spinatrill™ works with the brain’s own blood-brain barrier to block out political spin. Possible side effects include: the total disappearance of cable news from patient’s consciousness.

#page#Whitewasherax™

For patients on the left, large doses of Whitewasherax™ eliminate drone-attack casualties, Guantanamo Bay, the reauthorization of the Patriot Act, and other non-specific items from the frontal lobe/cognition cortex of the brain. Patients report feelings of blissful emptiness and a free-floating sense of pure joy resulting from a course of Whitewasherax™. PLEASE NOTE: Patients must continue dosage at prescribed levels for more than four years to achieve proper levels of dis-cognition. Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while on Whitewasherax™. Also available in smokeable leaf form.

Racisterall™

Also for patients on the left, taken twice a day, with meals, Racisterall™ allows the patient to identify and confidently proclaim “racism” and “racial politics” the root cause of all ills or perceived ills. Racisterall™ has proven in blind trials to assist those on the left with conversation-ending proclamations. Possible side effects include: sudden and unexplained weight gain, appearance of imaginary friends, a sense that one’s cell phone is being wiretapped. May not be used in conjunction with any anti-psychotic medication, as the two effects are counteracting.

Pollerease™

Nine out of ten patients who took Pollerease™ for ten consecutive doses of 300mg related decreased anxiety levels, more energy, a more positive outlook, and a greater sense of calm when reading the latest polling data as they regard the current presidential campaign. Pollerease™ allows the patient to “get on with” life without worrying about weighting factors, misrepresentations of party affiliation, skewed adjustment factors, and biased polling questions. Side effects include: sudden coronary occlusion, advanced knowledge of statistics.

Chrisipac™

For common symptoms of diarrhea and explosive incontinence brought upon by consuming in excess of six minutes of Hardball with Chris Matthews. Other symptoms can include: lethargy, sleeplessness, red-fog vision, incredulity, and depression. Take as indicated with a full glass of water. Avoid direct sunlight and continued exposure to Hardball with Chris Matthews until symptoms subside. Possible side effects include: euphoria, more time in your day.

General Guidelines:

Please take this guide with you to your doctor’s office. Ask your health professional before you begin taking any kind of medication. Side effects include dizziness, nausea, frequent tax-related panic attacks, and a desire to move to Texas. In some cases, paranoid and/or delusional episodes are common, leading to violent outbursts. Do not use under the influence of alcohol or within reach of firearms. Do not use while watching MSNBC.

If conditions persist for more than four hours, please seek emergency care.

Rob Long — Rob Long, Hollywood writer and producer, started his career as a screenwriter for the TV show Cheers. He is a regular writer for National Review, Newsweek International, and the Los ...

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