Magazine | December 17, 2012, Issue

Republican Party Candidate Questionnaire

Please fill out this brief questionnaire and submit it by the deadline to RNC headquarters in Washington, D.C. Each questionnaire will be tabulated and each candidate evaluated for electability and adherence to the message of the new Republican Victory ’16 funding committee. Funds will be dispersed on the basis of your answers, so please think carefully before answering!

I. Multiple Choice

Please answer the following questions to the best of your ability. Mark your answer by circling the correct letter.

1. The Earth was created a) 5,000 years ago by God; b) billions of years ago after the Big Bang; c) when Brahma opened his eyes; d) when Ronald Reagan took office in January 1981.

2. Forty-seven percent of all Americans pay zero federal income tax because a) they are freeloading scum; b) our corporate taxes are among the highest in the world; c) the U.S. has a trade imbalance with China, a currency manipulator; d) the tax code is too complicated; e) anything but a).

3. The Earth’s surface is getting slightly warmer because of a) the Lord our God’s decree that it be so due to the popularity of the television series Glee; b) regular and constant fluctuations of the Earth’s climate; c) sunspots; d) increased use of fossil fuels; e) there is no increase in the Earth’s temperature; f) anything but a) and e).

4. Life begins a) at conception; b) sometime in the second trimester; c) when decreed by a federal judge in the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals; d) when you get a job; e) none of the above.

5. When on the campaign trail, I like to discuss my theories of rape and its consequences a) often; b) seldom; c) once or twice during the campaign, just to break up all of the out-of-control-spending and jobs-jobs-jobs talk; d) nonstop.

6. Medicare and Social Security cannot be altered in any way because a) they are contracts between citizen and government and cannot be broken; b) raising taxes on the rich will solve whatever problems exist; c) Florida has 29 electoral votes; d) anything else we can think of.

7. What happened in Benghazi is a) a symptom of a weak and appeasing foreign policy; b) of zero interest to the lickspittle pro-Obama media; c) a tragic failure of leadership; d) can’t we all move on?

II. Diagram

On the next page, you’ll find a simple diagram of the female reproductive system. Please identify the four key areas and explain BRIEFLY in the space provided the three basic steps leading to childbirth, as you understand them.

#page#III. Spanish Language

Please translate the following sentences into simple Spanish.

1. “Hello, friends. Do any of you here own a small business?”

2. “Yes, I would love to buy some oranges, thank you. Have you registered to vote yet?”

3. “The point is, any money a person invests has already been taxed, so capital-gains taxes are, in essence, a double taxation. Why should a person be penalized for investing in the American economy?”

4. “Are all of these your children? My, you have a lovely large family!”

5. “Carried interest is a complicated thing, but essentially it’s not truly income in the sense that, say, your wages are income. Unless you’re in private equity. Are you?”

6. “But when you do pay taxes, I’ll want to reduce them.”

7. “You keep nodding ‘Yes.’ Is that because you agree with me, or do you just want me to go somewhere else?”

8. “The vans that the Democratic party says will take you to the polling place will actually take you across the border. Don’t get in them!”

9. “Don’t you just hate all of those Korean immigrants?”

10. “A reduced regulatory environment will increase risk-taking and entrepreneurial capitalism. And don’t forget to dust around the bookcase.”

IV. Essay Questions

Please choose two of the following topics and write a brief (200 words maximum) essay on each. Pay special attention to providing real-life examples to support your argument. Points will be taken off for any of the following: sounding too rich, sounding too weird, mentioning rape.

1. If you think about it in a certain way, just because the local florist and the high-school drama teacher want to get married, that doesn’t mean people will be marrying goats.

2. If you think about it in a certain way, the idea that society and the taxpayers should provide free contraception for an able-bodied thirtysomething lawyer makes a kind of sense.

3. If you think about it in a certain way, increasing government revenue through a reduction of loopholes and a tightening of a set of income definitions really doesn’t count as a “tax increase” per se.

4. If you think about it in a certain way, we really do have a lot to apologize for.

Rob Long — Rob Long, Hollywood writer and producer, started his career as a screenwriter for the TV show Cheers. He is a regular writer for National Review, Newsweek International, and the Los ...

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