Magazine | January 28, 2013, Issue

From the Twitter feed of Kim Jong Un @youthcaptain:

Just found out that I’m going to be a father. Really puts stuff in perspective. Had a couple of people executed today and it really made me think about the circle of life.

Still waiting for a baby-shower gift from @barackobama. Was invited to the event at the Pyongyang W hotel and didn’t RSVP or anything. A gift is de rigueur. #rudeness

Hey @kimkardashian! We’re pregnant too! DM me and let’s set up some playdates! Pyongyang has some really nice parks and I’m constructing a large Gymboree.

I do not understand why everyone freaked out when I said we’re going to name our child Troy if he’s a boy or Brittney if she’s a girl. #northkoreaneedstogetwithit

Have almost perfected my own “Gangnam Style” dance moves, which are not only better than the original but semi-nude. Good thing folks here haven’t seen the South Korean one! #benefitsofahermitkingdom

You call that a deal? Roll over some more, why don’t you? #fireboehner

Told my wife that now that she’s pregnant she’s getting fat. She made a very hurtful comment back to me, about my perfectly normal body composition. I may have to have her imprisoned after the birth. #hardchoicesofleadership

Watched a missile launch with @generaljoon and @fieldmarshalyoo. Didn’t go so well. Having trouble getting the missiles to launch without exploding. Made a joke, “Good thing I don’t have that problem,” and got nada. Crickets. #nosenseofhumor

Got odd congrats call from Chinese president. Offered to help protect @troykim or @brittneykim should the need arise. Asked what he meant. He said not everyone is happy there’s a new heir. Paranoid?

Any of my Tweeps out there in the fashion biz? Looking for new jumpsuit material. Old stuff chafes. Fabric shouldn’t do this to skin, should it? twitpic.54f67j

Understand that gun control is a big issue, but don’t need to be lectured about it from a Brit. #deportpiers

Hey @katemiddleton! We’re pregnant too! We should get together! Like to think we’re kinda sorta royalty here, so have that in common. Also: Please follow me back so I can DM you. Need to ask you a big favor, re: small cash crunch I’m facing.

Wondered aloud today in a meeting if maybe we should host an International Baby Summit, and have all celebs and their babies come to Pyongyang for a meeting in re: world peace or whatever. @unclejoon took a pencil and stabbed my hand. #thinkoutsidethebox

#page#Any of my Tweeps in the admissions office of @daltonschoolny or @phillipsexeter? Want to start application proceedings now! DM me! Can pay tuition in ginseng or counterfeit dollars.

Wondering what @radaronline would pay for exclusive photos of the birth of @troykim or @brittneykim. Anyone have an idea? Can be as graphic as necessary. Will accept payment via PayPal.

Anyone know where the nearest @babygap is to Pyongyang? Need to stock up on onesies.

Another missile launch, this one a lot more successful. Missile flew in the air for several seconds. Wondered to @generaljoon and @fieldmarshalyoo if maybe we should coordinate a general multi-target missile launch with birth of @troykim or @brittneykim. Again, zero response. #whosinchargehere

Understand that some people think @fayeresnick was out of line when she went after @brandi on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills but I like her moxie. #needmorechickslikethatinpyongyang

Reaching for another cookie in a meeting, and @generaljoon made comment about the baby not knowing whose breasts were bigger, mine or my wife’s. Everyone laughed. I died inside. #thelonelinessofthefatkid

Hey! @lindsaylohan! We’re going to need a nanny in about eight months and I can’t think of a better one than you! DM me so we can set it up!

How hard would it be to kidnap the “Gangnam Style” dude and have him here to teach my child how to dance? Future leaders are going to have to be able to dance and sing, is my feeling. Once he’s passed on his art, I could just have him executed. #worldhero

Hey! @kimkardashian! Waiting for you to follow me back so I can DM you! Wondering if you could share some dieting tips with the Missus. You look great! She looks bloated and puffy. #wivesarealsogirlfriends

Have reached out several times, @barackobama, to talk about gun control in your country. We have it here in North Korea and it’s been very effective in eliminating gun crimes. Added plus: enslaved population. Follow me back so I can DM you. #weshouldhelpeachother

Suddenly wondering if Troy is best choice for a boy name. Deciding now between Kanye and Bradley. Like the sound of @kanyekim though.

In This Issue

Articles

Politics & Policy

Bork Vivant

Was Bob Bork’s nomination to the Supreme Court finally undone by the fact that he had a beard? Not that his beard was the sole obstacle, of course. The vicious ...
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Off the Cliff

For a few weeks around New Year’s Day, Washington, D.C., turned topsy-turvy. Well, topsy-turvier than usual. Conservative groups blasted a huge tax increase, the Congressional Budget Office estimated the size ...
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Nixon at 100

As President Nixon sat in the Oval Office on Wednesday, June 2, 1971, the sun’s rays splashing brilliantly across the blue and gold carpet embroidered with the presidential seal, he ...

Features

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Race and the Constitution

November’s electoral setbacks have prompted conservatives to reconsider their beliefs and rhetoric on a variety of issues. While they debate new ideas on immigration, taxes, and entitlements, they should not ...

Books, Arts & Manners

City Desk

Pigeon Watching

The city has been great for species other than man — roaches and rats; cats and dogs; once upon a time, horses. Another big winner in the lottery of urbanization ...
Politics & Policy

Nation-Building

The emergence and ultimate ascendance of the English-speaking peoples — the Anglosphere — is the salient fact of modern history. And the colonization of America is the turning point in ...
Politics & Policy

City of Lights

‘From the moment it began,” argues Michael Neiberg, a history professor at the Army War College in Carlisle, Pa., “the liberation of Paris was an almost mythical affair.” He is ...

Sections

Politics & Policy

Letters

O’Neill Uncensored In his memoir In Confidence, former Soviet ambassador Anatoly Dobrynin wrote of an encounter he had had with House speaker Tip O’Neill: “O’Neill said no effort should be spared ...
Politics & Policy

The Week

‐ Egyptian prosecutors are investigating a popular television comedian for insulting the president. That could never happen here. When do popular television comedians insult the president? ‐ Chuck Hagel, the Republican ...
Athwart

Keep the Change

There are many compelling reasons to mint a trillion-dollar coin, including “plot device for Mission: Impossible 5.” The coin has been stolen, and nefarious enemies of the United States intend ...
Politics & Policy

Poetry

SCRAPS The hunt, for both, was empty as the light blue sky . . . the solitary gull and the eagle, at day’s end, find what little remains from the ice fisherman’s bucket; the gull landing ...
Happy Warrior

The Veil Descends

In the summer of 2010, mourners lined the streets of Wales’s capital city to pay tribute to a seven-year-old boy killed in a house fire. In fact, Yaseen Ali Ege ...

Most Popular

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The Mueller Report Should Shock Our Conscience

I've finished reading the entire Mueller report, and I must confess that even as a longtime, quite open critic of Donald Trump, I was surprised at the sheer scope, scale, and brazenness of the lies, falsehoods, and misdirections detailed by the Special Counsel's Office. We've become accustomed to Trump making up ... Read More
World

What’s So Great about Western Civilization

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The Problem with the Mueller Report

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Screw York Yankees

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