Magazine | April 22, 2013, Issue

From the Twitter stream of Kim Jong Un — @youthcaptain

Spent an hour today studying missile-launch and -guidance technology. Or thought that’s what I was doing. Turned out it was only @angrybirds! Hilarious! #gottalaugh #humorheals

Do not really understand this whole #sequester business. Agree with @presidentbarackobama. Failure of Republican leadership.

Do I look fat in this Speedo? Twitpic.87h4.33ed #downto2500caloriesaday

Are there carbs in kimchee? Anyone? Tweeps? Help! #nothingisworking

Don’t worry, @jimmykimmel. Missiles won’t hit your tapings! Too much of a fan! Follow me back so I can DM you advance warning!

Cannot imagine a scenario in which @hillaryclinton isn’t running. Just makes political sense. Plus she’s hot. Am I right? #gottalovethemoldgals

Hey, @therealjustinbieber, think U R getting a raw deal. I know something about starting v. young in a biz. Stay frosty!

Hey! Check me out in these new skinny jeans! And check out the waist size. 28 inches! Finally they’re sizing them right. Thanks, North Korean jean industry! You rock. Twitpic.34rd.961

Spoke to @generalunclejoon about how cool it would be if I could figure out a way to ride one of the nuclear missiles into L.A. He looked at me like he always does. Like “who is this kid?” #olddognewtricks #thinkoutsidethebox

@youthcaptain just ousted @kimjongil as the Mayor of Missile Control Room, Pyongyang, Korea. #foursquare

Long, long, long meeting today about our newly forceful foreign policy. I keep telling my generals to push harder and make more noise. Have played @kanyewest “Through the Wire” a million times for them, get blank stares. Time to clean house?

Much respect to @johnmccain and @lindseygraham for standing up to the radicals and fringe elements in their party. Need to find common ground and reach across the aisle. #bipartisanship #nolabels

@paulryan Although we have our differences, would love to hear details of your workout regimen. How many trainers have you had to put to death to achieve that killer bod? #nohomo

Thinking about doing a podcast. Help, tweeps! Which topics am I best at? Art, music, stand-up comedy, fashion? All four? BLUSH!

Wondering about the gay-marriage issue. Hard time getting the whole deal. Yes, it should mean you can marry a donkey or a sister. @generalunclejoon has done both!

Previous tweet is part of my opening jokes at the Pyongyang Correspondents Dinner. Thoughts? Punch up? @sethmyers, I’m talking to you!

Looking at the missile-trajectory lines on the map in the #situationroom and wondering if they’re really accurate. Need to hit Los Angeles, not Bakersfield.

Turns out the skinny jeans I’m wearing aren’t 32’s. Turns out they’re mislabeled. Actually 52’s. So I haven’t lost any weight at all. Nork Jeans Manufacturing LLC is now headed to a work camp. #mistakeswillbepunished #sixsigma

#page#Just finished the first annual Pyongyang Correspondents Dinner! They loved me! I killed! (two waiters who forgot the dressing on the side and an Air Force general who didn’t laugh). #showbiz #theindustry #nextcareer

Don’t worry, @ellendegeneres! Will let you know when missiles are headed to L.A. Follow me back so I can DM you. #bigbigfan #sayhitoportia #lovetodance

Just found out that the iMac I’m using isn’t a real iMac but a Chinese ripoff. Learned the hard way trying to upload @spotify playlist.

Very disappointed that it’s already Thursday and we haven’t launched a missile yet. Watched TMZ this afternoon and saw zero mention of a Hollywood in ruin. Simply do not understand why everything takes me getting PO’ed or having someone impaled slowly during a meeting. #butitdoes #dowhatittakes

By the way, the Abdomenizer thing you see on TV is a total piece of junk. #stillfat #caveatemptor

Watched @jayleno tonight and convinced he’s getting a raw deal. Hey, @jayleno, will build a stage for you at the @pyongyangmediacenter. And will launch a satellite, too, just as soon as one of our rockets is free. They’re kinda busy right now. #targetingusa #missiles #makingnoise

Pretty bummed to learn from our Science Council that we’re actually ten years away from an effective nuclear launch. Not as bummed as they were to be covered in hot plastic and turned into my new recording studio. #mistakeswillbepunished #sixsigma #qualityassurance

Congratulate me, tweeps! Found out that the missile-trajectory calculations are not, in fact, accurate. Getting them corrected now. But gives me a perfect opportunity to have @generalunclejoon strangled to death! #mistakeswillbepunished #neverletacrisisgotowaste

What’s the over-under on whether @hillaryclinton likes younger Asian dudes with athletic builds? #askingforafriend

In This Issue

Articles

Features

Books, Arts & Manners

Politics & Policy

On the Brink

Ginger and Rosa, an intense little coming-of-age drama from the British director Sally Potter, begins with three births: The mushroom cloud goes up over Hiroshima, ushering in the nuclear age, ...
Country Life

Roots Quest

It was not a tough winter in the country, but it was a lingering one, throwing frosts and squalls right through the equinox and beyond. Snow would fall, thin to ...

Sections

Politics & Policy

Letters

Have Some Compassion I write to express my disappointment at yet another paragraph in The Week devoted to transsexuals (March 25). If I recall correctly, this is the third such news ...
Politics & Policy

The Week

‐ On the basketball court over Easter, Obama shot 2 for 22. Must be the sequester. ‐ While a few state governments enacted new gun-control measures in the wake of the ...
Politics & Policy

Poetry

A BAD FIT The grapeshot of his words makes ribbons of Her vitals. When one hits a major vein, Her heart will burst, and finally her love Will recognize its efforts were in vain. He ...
Happy Warrior

Undead Reckoning

I try to resist the siren song of metaphor, luring the polemicist onto the gaudy rocks of glibness and meretriciousness only for his sturdy column to crack and sink 400 ...

Most Popular

Elections

How States Like Virginia Go Blue

So this is what it feels like to live in a lab experiment. As a native Virginian, I’ve watched my state come full circle. The last time Democrats enjoyed the amount of power in the Old Dominion that they won on Tuesday, I was entering middle school in Fairfax County. In 1993 the governor was a Democrat, one ... Read More
Books, Arts & Manners

Why Study Latin?

Oxford professor Nicola Gardini urges people to read and study Latin. He believes that Latin is the antidote for the modern age, which seems transfixed by the spontaneous, the easy, and the ephemeral. His new book, Long Live Latin: The Pleasures of a Useless Language, argues that Latin combines truth and ... Read More
Elections

Democratic Denial

One point I'd draw out from David Harsanyi's post below: It has been more than thirty years since a Democratic presidential nominee failed to make it to the White House and thought the loss was legitimate. Read More