Magazine | July 1, 2013, Issue

G-Mail Inbox

GMAIL INBOX

TO:melanie123987@gmail.com

FROM:tyler@nsa.intercepts.contractor.gov

Hi!

Totally weird coincidence! You and I were in the same homeroom sophomore year! I was the quiet kid in the back? Tyler? Do you remember? Probably not. You were kind of popular back then! Anyways, totally totally small world! I’m the contractor assigned to read your data here at the NSA intercept office and I was reading through your intercepts and suddenly your name rang a bell and it was just like being back in homeroom! Isn’t this weird? And I just want to let you know that I totally agree with you about your mom. She is being totally unsupportive about your college plans. I think taking a year or two off is a great idea! Really find yourself. And I’m not sure if you know this or not, but your “friend” Rachel really talks a lot of trash about you behind your back, which I myself find really unacceptable. I’ll forward her texts to Crystal if you want. Not nice stuff.

Anyways, just wanted to reach out to you and say hi. If you ever want to talk, I’m here. Well, everywhere.

I’m attaching a jpeg of myself in case you’re wondering what I look like. Just FYI, it was taken a few months ago, before I really started hitting the gym a lot, so I’m way more buff right now.

Stay sweet like you are!

Ty

P.S.: I don’t think Josh is right for you. Not sure he’s being totally honest. Will do some digging.

TWITTER

Hey! @melanie123987! This is @tylerswatchingyounsa! Tried to e-mail you a few days ago! Follow me back so I can DM you!

INSTAGRAM

TO:melanie123987

The following user, tylerswatchingyounsa, has liked all of your photos! Follow tylerswatchingyounsa back!

GOOGLE VOICE TRANSCRIPT

“Hey, Melanie? It’s Tyler. I sent you an e-mail and a friend request on Twitter, which I know you saw because — well, it’s not important how I know. But I’m really confused about why you haven’t responded. Is it something I said? I thought we had a really nice thing going, and so I’m just going to assume you’ve been busy with family stuff and your insane mom. Boy, she sends a lot of texts, huh? So please call me back when you listen to this, which should be in a few minutes because I can see you right now standing outside the Coffee Bean staring at your phone, and the satellite image delay is only about 45 seconds, so factoring that in, you should be calling me back . . . now.”

TEXT MESSAGE

OK. Worried I may have scared u off. Soooo sorry! Not being a creeper I promise! Just want to be friends is all. Really thought we had something back in HS!

#page#GMAIL INBOX

TO:melanie123987@gmail.com

FROM:tyler@nsa.intercepts.contractor.gov

Please find attached the credit report for Joshua M. Sunderland, your “boyfriend,” I guess, which is weird because he’s got a LOT of real problem areas in the credit department. Melanie, I’m only saying this because I’m a friend and I care about you, but this guy is BAD NEWS. His credit score is pretty lousy and I don’t like the way he texts with his friends. Lots of foul language and coarse innuendo. You can do SO MUCH better Melanie. Please let me take care of him for you. Just say the word!

Ty

TEXT MESSAGE

Mel, turn on the TV right now! Cops surrounded Crystal’s house and have taken Rachel into custody for making threats and having bomb-making equipment! Mean girls 0, Tyler 1! Just want you to be happy, Mel! Luv you soooooooo much!!!!!!!!!!

TWITTER

@tylerswatchingyounsa: “Follow Friday! Everyone in America! Especially @melanie123987 who needs to have more confidence in herself! Dump Jason, Mel!”

FACEBOOK

“Tyler NSA likes your status: ‘Can’t understand how the IRS thinks my boyfriend Jason hasn’t filed income taxes in ten years. How does this happen?’”

GMAIL INBOX

TO:melanie123987@gmail.com

FROM:tyler@nsa.intercepts.contractor.gov

You know what, Melanie? I’m tired of this one-way business. I’m tired of giving and giving and giving and giving and getting nothing in return. I’ve tried to look out for you, to listen in on your phone calls and your e-mails and chime in with really solid advice and feedback, and all I get is, like, a lot of really negative stuff. Do you think it’s easy to do this every day? Do you think you’re the only cute girl I intercept? I’ve got news for you: You’re not! I’m responsible for intercepting literally hundreds of cute girls every single day, Melanie, and if you’re not even going to have the courtesy to meet me at the yogurt place that I know you go to every day anyway, then what choice do I have? I’m breaking up with you, girl. Good luck with your next interceptor. I hope you treat him better than you treated me.

Tyler

P.S.: Don’t call me.

P.P.S.: Seriously, don’t. They’ll hear.

Rob Long — Rob Long, Hollywood writer and producer, started his career as a screenwriter for the TV show Cheers. He is a regular writer for National Review, Newsweek International, and the Los ...

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Sections

The Long View

G-Mail Inbox

GMAIL INBOX TO:melanie123987@gmail.com FROM:tyler@nsa.intercepts.contractor.gov Hi! Totally weird coincidence! You and I were in the same homeroom sophomore year! I was the quiet kid in the back? Tyler? Do you remember? Probably not. You were ...
Politics & Policy

Poetry

HEELS UPON THE TILE When I consider your devoted eyes, devoid of any vice I could reject, alive with avid interest, subtly flecked, and focused on my face with slight surprise, it seems as though ...
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Letters

The Thousand Years’ Twilight Victor Davis Hanson has added intriguing and refreshing historical references to the pages of NR for a number of years. As Michael Knox Beran implies at the ...
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The Week

‐ The good news: The NSA doesn’t know you’re reading this. The bad news: The IRS does. ‐ The latest Republican fashion on immigration is to declare broad support for the ...

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