Magazine | August 5, 2013, Issue


TO: V. Jarrett

FROM: Staff

IN RE: Your request for upcoming state and local criminal/civil cases that might be of interest

Following Monday’s status meeting, staff researchers and others spent four days searching state, local-court, and police databases for interesting cases to bring to the attention of POTUS during the next six to ten months as we gear up for the midterms and follow-on legislativeagenda items.

Thanks to the good work of staff — shout-out to the interns!! — we’ve come up with four cases of interest that POTUS might find useful to “helicopter into” in the event he/we feel the need to raise additional subjects in the national media during a period when they seem to be focusing only on uncomfortable subjects.

Please note that, in order to achieve maximum effectiveness, POTUS will have to “casually drop” references to each of these locally based proceedings well in advance of our projected agenda timeline. As we’ve learned with the recent case in Florida, criminal and civil trials rarely conform to our schedule. We were lucky this time.

Our recommendations are as follows:

1. In Michigan, a young Asian male recently had his car “booted” after several unpaid parking tickets. At the payment center in the local city hall, he apparently became angry and entered into a verbal “debate” with a police officer who has one white parent and one parent from the Solomon Islands, which qualifies under DOJ guidelines as “Caucasian.” After a heated back-and-forth with the White Policeman, the young Asian male paid his back fines but lodged a blistering critique of the experience on the Yelp page for the local municipality. We suggest POTUS use this case as a “teaching moment” and an “illustration of why we so desperately need immigration reform,” and call the young Asian male on the telephone in the event that the Syrian situation deteriorates. Timeline: autumn

2. In California, a gay couple were ejected from a local Crate & Barrel retail location for rearranging the furniture displays for “more flow” and “a more chic grouping.” When asked to leave the premises, they refused until they had successfully switched all of the sofa cushions in a random and haphazard fashion because the original displays were “too matchy matchy.” Police were called by the manager of the store (possible complication: he seems gay as well; as yet unclear) and charges for disorderly conduct were filed. We suggest POTUS use this event when the third- and fourth-quarter economic-growth numbers are released, and in the likely event that further evidence of global warming is impossible to verify. Timeline: autumn into spring

#page#3. In Chicago, Ill., a five-year-old African-American boy was shot and killed, along with his African-American mother, following a botched robbery attempt. An African-American male has been arrested for the crime. We suggest that POTUS ignore this event. In fact, we suggest that, if possible, further documentation of the IRS and/or DOJ scandals involving the improper violation of privacy and the falsification of warrant documents be prepared for release in conjunction with news about the Chicago murder rate. As it ticks up, we suggest POTUS prepare a series of press conferences to discuss these “scandals” head on. Should the Chicago murder rate accelerate, POTUS should invade Iran. Timeline: NEVER

4. In Texas, an elderly Caucasian male was pushed down the stairs by his elderly Caucasian wife. (Checking: newspaper photo unclear; wife’s skin tone seems vaguely Hispanic.) The reasons were, apparently, something that happened in 1973 but that both of them had been arguing about since. Suggest POTUS refer to this case for any number of points, especially: a) immigration (depending on status of wife); b) abortion (Roe was decided in 1973. Was this what they were arguing about? Isn’t it time to “heal the nation”?); c) upcoming legislative challenges to the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, as the elderly female now has the sole responsibility and financial burden of caring for her wheelchair-bound spouse; and d) the need for tax reform, as the couple are small-business owners (millionaires/billionaires) and have taken advantage of estate-planning tax loopholes. This event has a lower intensity factor, so can be held in reserve for a task that requires a smaller-bore distraction. This is a perfect card to play in the event of a “Biden mouth accident” or a “Kerry brain freeze.” It can also be played out gradually, as the midterm numbers start to take shape. Timeline: 2014

Researchers and interns are continuing to comb the wires for interesting local cases for POTUS to shine his special light on. We feel, in 100 percent agreement with you and the political operation, that the local crime blotter is a political goldmine!

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