Magazine | August 19, 2013, Issue

The Al-Irshad Group

Transcript from the Al Jazeera Political Talk Show The Al-Irshad Group: Sunday, August 4, 2013

Host Al-Irshad: “Issue One! Weiner-riffic! In the aftermath of a series of degrading and degenerate scandals that have plagued the American political system, we can only marvel at the mercy of Allah, who has so far withheld the ultimate punishment. As of this moment, the entire island of Manhattan remains untouched by hellfire. In the meantime, gentlemen, a political question. What should the Democrats do in the wake of these disgusting events? I ask you, Political Consultant Salil Faqtb.”

Political Consultant Salil Faqtb: “This is a demeaning question to ask of a man. Al-Irshad, you humiliate yourself. You are a homosexual Jew. Of course the answer is to be found in the Koran. If a man texts obscenities, let the offending texting thumb be removed. Why are you bothering us with these trivialities? Can we speak of more important topics? In Egypt — ”

Al-Irshad: “And his wife? What should be done with her, I ask you, Syndicated Columnist Qu’Turush?”

Syndicated Columnist Qu’Turush: “She should be set on fire.”

Salil Faqtb: “That goes without saying. But can we return to more weighty matters? In Syria, if anyone is interested — ”

Al-Irshad: “Baath Strategist Ali Ba’Nasri, I ask you: Taken as a whole — the two major candidates for office in New York, a diseased pornographer and a whoremongering Jew moneylender, and the current mayor of the homosexual-infested California city of San Diego are all stained by scandals of a revolting sexual nature. And all are prominent members of the Democratic party. How is it then that so far this party has escaped the wrath of the American press?”

Qu’Turush: “Not this again. Look, let’s recognize that the press tries hard to be as fair as possible. I don’t know how they vote. Do you?”

Salil Faqtb: “You are insane. Please set your lap on fire. The American Jew media is filled with homosexual prostitutes who see nothing wrong with sending photographs of the naked male sex organ through the Internet.”

Qu’Turush: “That’s overstating it.”

Salil Faqtb: “You say that because you are a homosexual prostitute.”

Qu’Turush: “Die! Die you child of a pariah dog and a traveling ladyboy!”

Salil Faqtb: “Madness! Why are we not talking about Egypt?”

Al-Irshad: “Ali Ba’Nasri, you’ve been waving your squiggly knife for many minutes. Do you have something to add?”

Baath Strategist Ali Ba’Nasri: “Let’s be very careful here. The mayor of San Diego is accused of nothing more than being tempted by slatterns and loose women who cavort about in revealing garb, exposing ankles and necks and a lot more besides. What man wouldn’t reach out and grab at a woman who comported herself thusly? What man wouldn’t pinch and pat and rub and squeeze at the ladyparts so brazenly offered up? I’ll tell you what kind of man. A homosexual Jew American infidel son of a pig, that’s what kind. So leave the mayor of San Diego out of it.”

#page#Qu’Turush: “My nephew runs a Quiznos in San Diego. He says the mayor is a decent guy. A little handsy, but as Brother Ali says, which one of us can cast the first stone?”

Salil Faqtb: “I can! In fact I did, earlier this morning. A young lady in my family was found to have viewed a Justin Bieber video on the YouTube device, and so the family honor was maintained.”

Qu’Turush: “She didn’t clear her browser history?”

Salil Faqtb: “She was a good girl. She didn’t know how. Anyway, the point is, I’ve had more than enough of this Radical Islamism in Name Only. That’s what’s wrong with our movement today. All these RINOs making excuses for American political leaders and their pox-ridden sex parts. Let Allah infect them all with gaping sores!”

Al-Irshad: “Even the Democrats? Historically, they’re our best hope for sharia law in America.”

Salil Faqtb: “Please. You’re dreaming. You are like the drug-addled beggar dervish eating camel dung and telling himself it’s dates. Can we now please talk of important things?”

Al-Irshad: “On a scale of one to ten, one being impossible and ten being metaphysical certitude, what is the likelihood that Allah strikes the Satan America down with a cleansing flame?”

Al-Irshad: “It is blasphemous to speculate on the actions of The One. But I’ll say nine.”

Qu’Turush: “Three. It will fester and decay and rot for centuries until even its citizens tire of the stench.”

Ali Ba’Nasri: “That will never happen. The American citizen has an unlimited tolerance for filth. So I’ll say five.”

Al-Irshad: “The answer is ten! But no one will notice! Bye-bye!”

Rob Long — Rob Long, Hollywood writer and producer, started his career as a screenwriter for the TV show Cheers. He is a regular writer for National Review, Newsweek International, and the Los ...

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