Magazine | September 16, 2013, Issue

From the Twitter feed of Kim Jong Un, @youthcaptain

If a person sends many Twitter @replies to another person and that person doesn’t even have the courtesy to follow back, that’s it, I’m done. #overyoualreadyscarlettjohansson

Tweeps! Get ready for a fitter and hotter me! About to get really into personal fitness. Here’s a totally nude “before” pic: #saygoodbyetothefatboy

@youthcaptain just checked into Kim Jong Un Fitness Center Saturday, August 24, 2013 10:23 a.m.

@youthcaptain just checked out of Kim Jong Un Fitness Center Saturday, August 24, 2013 10:35 a.m.

Questions for you, @anthonyweiner re lighting and depth-of-field issues, also: how do you meet girls online in the first place? Please follow me back so I can DM you.

Trying to get along better with Uncles. Showed @unclebae my dream journal from last year, with the dream sketches of the missile-bearing flying horses. He rolled his eyes. #tigeruncle #doesntanyonerespectcreativityinthiscountry?

Love that you spoke truth to power, @bradleymanning. Always welcome here in #northkorea! Need to stick together to bring about a new world.

Just read @nytimes piece on the “recovering” economy under @barackobama. Man, if I could only get that kind of coverage around here! #onlyhalfkidding #barackhasitsoeasy

Agree with @alsharpton and others: America is never going to heal until it eradicates racism in ALL of its forms and deals honestly with gun violence @piersmorgan

Hey, Tweeps! Which noise-canceling headphones are best for reducing noise of starving millions? Going on a road trip and need to prepare. #newdaftpunk #nodistractions

Wait. Re: other Tweet. Just saw news. Is @bradleymanning a dude or not a dude? If not a dude, what can I say? #hotness #getyourselftopyongyang

I know that internal and border security is important. I am not a six-year-old. But when I’m watching Pretty Little Liars I prefer not to be disturbed by meetings. #unclebaeneedstogo

@youthcaptain just checked into Kim Jong Un Fitness Center Monday, August 26, 2013 11:30 a.m.

@youthcaptain just checked out of Kim Jong Un Fitness Center Monday, August 26, 2013 11:45 a.m.

Hey! @mileycyrus! Haters gonna hate! Loved you at the #VMAs. Follow me back so I can DM you! (And yes! That is a euphemism!!!)


Wishing @benaffleck all the luck in the world as he tackles the role of #thedarkknight. Don’t understand why my audition tape didn’t even merit a courtesy callback, but doesn’t diminish my respect for my competitors. #nukehollywoodimserious

Even I’m not watching MSNBC. And if you can’t get the leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea to watch Rachel Maddow . . . Hang. It. Up. #evilgeniusrogerailes

Um, @basharassad, cannot fill most recent order for #wmd until ALL previous invoices have been paid. This is a business here. Running a dot com, not a dot org, if you get my drift. #waitingforbanktocall

#page#Hey! @anthonyweiner! What do you think of them apples?? #nohomo #dudescanadmireotherdudes

Great leadership council meeting today. Feel like I’m finally getting the respect I deserve. Generals have agreed to build me an Iron Man suit. #tideisturning

Today’s discovery: cannot twerk while wearing a jumpsuit. #lifelessons

If you have your uncles executed and have the executioners send you #snapchats of the events, my advice is, go into settings>preferences and make sure you set the timer to 10+ seconds. Default settings too short to really know which uncle is getting it when. Just FYI.

@youthcaptain just checked into Kim Jong Un Fitness Center Tuesday, August 27, 2013 4:11 p.m.

@youthcaptain just checked out of Kim Jong Un Fitness Center Tuesday, August 27, 2013 4:24 p.m.

@edwardsnowden Love your message and your activism. Would love to have you come to #pyongyang and hang with me.

Okay, @edwardsnowden, re last Tweet: hang = hang out. No hidden message there! Just clarifying! Also, you’re a dude, right? No worries if not, just asking to avoid recent weirdness with @bradleymanning, who isn’t going to be a chick for another 10 years and I cannot wait that long.

Simply do not understand why someone who goes to the gym as much as I do is not losing any weight. Have to rethink entire fitness plan. Can’t stand smirking from @unclenoh when I’m resizing my jumpsuits. #trainersfault

@mileycyrus Thanks for the follow back! Please PLEASE check your DMs. Media hype re: Pyongyang is true! It is the “new hip destination for the young glitterati.” Check it out:

Yesterday was watching old movies of military executions and eating cold hot dogs dipped in mayonnaise. Does everyone eventually turn into their parents? I sure am. #bigquestions #philosophicalfriday

Only way to wipe the smug smile off of personal trainer’s face, it turns out, is to set him on fire. “Give me one more?” Can do, d-bag. #revenge #alwaysthefatkid #setbulliesonfire #fightweightism

Rob Long — Rob Long, Hollywood writer and producer, started his career as a screenwriter for the TV show Cheers. He is a regular writer for National Review, Newsweek International, and the Los ...

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