Magazine | September 16, 2013, Issue

From the Twitter feed of Kim Jong Un, @youthcaptain

If a person sends many Twitter @replies to another person and that person doesn’t even have the courtesy to follow back, that’s it, I’m done. #overyoualreadyscarlettjohansson

Tweeps! Get ready for a fitter and hotter me! About to get really into personal fitness. Here’s a totally nude “before” pic: #saygoodbyetothefatboy

@youthcaptain just checked into Kim Jong Un Fitness Center Saturday, August 24, 2013 10:23 a.m.

@youthcaptain just checked out of Kim Jong Un Fitness Center Saturday, August 24, 2013 10:35 a.m.

Questions for you, @anthonyweiner re lighting and depth-of-field issues, also: how do you meet girls online in the first place? Please follow me back so I can DM you.

Trying to get along better with Uncles. Showed @unclebae my dream journal from last year, with the dream sketches of the missile-bearing flying horses. He rolled his eyes. #tigeruncle #doesntanyonerespectcreativityinthiscountry?

Love that you spoke truth to power, @bradleymanning. Always welcome here in #northkorea! Need to stick together to bring about a new world.

Just read @nytimes piece on the “recovering” economy under @barackobama. Man, if I could only get that kind of coverage around here! #onlyhalfkidding #barackhasitsoeasy

Agree with @alsharpton and others: America is never going to heal until it eradicates racism in ALL of its forms and deals honestly with gun violence @piersmorgan

Hey, Tweeps! Which noise-canceling headphones are best for reducing noise of starving millions? Going on a road trip and need to prepare. #newdaftpunk #nodistractions

Wait. Re: other Tweet. Just saw news. Is @bradleymanning a dude or not a dude? If not a dude, what can I say? #hotness #getyourselftopyongyang

I know that internal and border security is important. I am not a six-year-old. But when I’m watching Pretty Little Liars I prefer not to be disturbed by meetings. #unclebaeneedstogo

@youthcaptain just checked into Kim Jong Un Fitness Center Monday, August 26, 2013 11:30 a.m.

@youthcaptain just checked out of Kim Jong Un Fitness Center Monday, August 26, 2013 11:45 a.m.

Hey! @mileycyrus! Haters gonna hate! Loved you at the #VMAs. Follow me back so I can DM you! (And yes! That is a euphemism!!!)


Wishing @benaffleck all the luck in the world as he tackles the role of #thedarkknight. Don’t understand why my audition tape didn’t even merit a courtesy callback, but doesn’t diminish my respect for my competitors. #nukehollywoodimserious

Even I’m not watching MSNBC. And if you can’t get the leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea to watch Rachel Maddow . . . Hang. It. Up. #evilgeniusrogerailes

Um, @basharassad, cannot fill most recent order for #wmd until ALL previous invoices have been paid. This is a business here. Running a dot com, not a dot org, if you get my drift. #waitingforbanktocall

#page#Hey! @anthonyweiner! What do you think of them apples?? #nohomo #dudescanadmireotherdudes

Great leadership council meeting today. Feel like I’m finally getting the respect I deserve. Generals have agreed to build me an Iron Man suit. #tideisturning

Today’s discovery: cannot twerk while wearing a jumpsuit. #lifelessons

If you have your uncles executed and have the executioners send you #snapchats of the events, my advice is, go into settings>preferences and make sure you set the timer to 10+ seconds. Default settings too short to really know which uncle is getting it when. Just FYI.

@youthcaptain just checked into Kim Jong Un Fitness Center Tuesday, August 27, 2013 4:11 p.m.

@youthcaptain just checked out of Kim Jong Un Fitness Center Tuesday, August 27, 2013 4:24 p.m.

@edwardsnowden Love your message and your activism. Would love to have you come to #pyongyang and hang with me.

Okay, @edwardsnowden, re last Tweet: hang = hang out. No hidden message there! Just clarifying! Also, you’re a dude, right? No worries if not, just asking to avoid recent weirdness with @bradleymanning, who isn’t going to be a chick for another 10 years and I cannot wait that long.

Simply do not understand why someone who goes to the gym as much as I do is not losing any weight. Have to rethink entire fitness plan. Can’t stand smirking from @unclenoh when I’m resizing my jumpsuits. #trainersfault

@mileycyrus Thanks for the follow back! Please PLEASE check your DMs. Media hype re: Pyongyang is true! It is the “new hip destination for the young glitterati.” Check it out:

Yesterday was watching old movies of military executions and eating cold hot dogs dipped in mayonnaise. Does everyone eventually turn into their parents? I sure am. #bigquestions #philosophicalfriday

Only way to wipe the smug smile off of personal trainer’s face, it turns out, is to set him on fire. “Give me one more?” Can do, d-bag. #revenge #alwaysthefatkid #setbulliesonfire #fightweightism

In This Issue



Politics & Policy

Rocky Mountain High

Denver, Colo. – There’s a stretch of Broadway that’s called Broadsterdam because of its medical-marijuana dispensaries. Just a block over, flanking Acoma and Bannock Streets, is a warehouse district. It’s not ...
Politics & Policy

The Army You Haven’t

When Barack Obama assumed office in 2009, the American military was already fragile. The last major military build-up had happened 25 years before, in the Reagan administration. Years of high ...

Books, Arts & Manners

Politics & Policy

E Pluribus Bonum

The mantra “We are a nation of immigrants” is repeated endlessly, but this incantation is essentially misleading. The addition of one adjective, “assimilated,” as in, “We are a nation of ...
Politics & Policy

Film: Small Ball

I complain fairly often in this space about the slow decline of middlebrow entertainment — the way superheroes and franchises have crowded out original storytelling, the way the economics of ...
City Desk

There’s a Place

Every man has the place he hangs out. The employees of this magazine, at its old location, had the fancy Italian restaurant for editorial lunches and dinners. But for daily ...


Politics & Policy


Persecution at the Polls (In re “Laboratory of Islamism,” August 19) I have read several articles stating that the Muslim Brotherhood actually threatened Coptic Christians into not voting last year in ...
Politics & Policy

The Week

‐ Whatever happened to the wholesome, respectable MTV we grew up with? ‐ In a recent interview, Senator Ted Cruz (R., Texas) said of defunding Obamacare that “if it doesn’t happen ...

Attack of the Acronyms

Some cable show, some channel, some Sunday: another think-tank smart guy laying out the risks for landing a right cross on Bashar Assad’s chin. (If you could find it. SpecOps ...
Politics & Policy


NIGHT WISDOM Face framed with a few lonely wisps of gray, the dark haired lady suggested gently, over coffee, to the young mother, bone weary, with a babe who had cried through the night, but now slept, as ...
Happy Warrior

Party Politics

Prowling my hotel room the other night, I discovered a copy of the latest Vogue, kindly provided by the management. So, after bringing myself up to speed on Jennifer Lawrence ...

Most Popular


Americans Are Royally Confused about Monarchy

Conventional wisdom regarding America’s relationship with royalty goes something like this: Americans have no time for monarchy as a political concept but can’t get enough of the British royal family. The American media’s round-the-clock coverage of the recent royal wedding certainly seems ample evidence of ... Read More
Politics & Policy

The Media See Only One Collusion Story

President Trump is opening a whole new chapter in the war between him and the investigators pursuing him. Today, he tweeted: “I hereby demand, and will do so officially tomorrow, that the Department of Justice look into whether or not the FBI/DOJ infiltrated or surveilled the Trump Campaign for Political ... Read More