Magazine | October 14, 2013, Issue

Republican National Convention 2016


Opening Ceremony:

All delegates will assemble in the Starbucks near the off-ramp to I-40 before processing as a group to the Grand Ballroom in the Holiday Inn Express along the frontage road, where the convention will take place.

The Starbucks manager assures us he has ample space for our group of delegates, which currently totals 25 individual persons. Please note that if you have NOT yet sent in your list of guests, they MAY be turned away at the door if the manager is able to book another group at the same time. So please!!! Let your RNC rep know who you’re bringing. If you don’t know who your RNC rep is, that’s because it’s probably you. Please remember the names of your guests and plan accordingly.

Another note: The guy at the Starbucks is being really cool about not charging us for the use of the space. On the phone, he seemed pretty jazzed about having the entire membership of the Republican party in his store, and was a little surprised that we currently have only 40 national members. Still, I promised him that we’d do our best to order coffee and snacks to make up for the inconvenience, so, GUYS!!! Don’t let me down!!! Order something! This guy is a businessman. A lot of them used to be Republicans. This is a good chance for us to show everyone in the I-40 interchange area that we can be a national party again!!

Opening Address:

Senator Ted Cruz will speak to us from the set of his show on Cruz.Net ( via Skype or some other free service. (Does anyone have any connections to a company that provides this kind of video hookup??? E-mail me at

The VIP Area of the ballroom at the Holiday Inn Express is also where the hotel keeps the pool chemical stuff, so please only gather there if totally necessary. As of this morning, we have no registered VIPs coming to the convention, so this area may end up doubling as the Media Hospitality Center.

Remembering Reagan:

After the Opening Address, the lights will dim (although hotel management tells me that it won’t be completely dark due to the Jacuzzi lights outside and the fact that the Grand Ballroom and the Hotel Lobby are essentially one large room) and a group of youngsters from a non-gay Scout troop in the area will act out great moments of President Reagan’s administration. (We still need some people to hold flashlights on these talented young people, to give their presentation the visual pizzazz so typical of past Republican National Conventions, so see your RNC rep if you’ve got flashlights to lend or good aim.)

#page#The True, Real Conservative Photo Montage:

Before the Roll Call, we were planning to show a 10 to 20-minute photo montage of real, actual conservatives (NO RINOS!!!!!) on the big screen at the back of the Grand Ballroom. This event is now scrapped due to an inability to agree on who those might be.

Other Notes:

Morning Events will take place in the breakfast area of the lobby. Please try not to disturb the hotel guests as they enjoy their free breakfast. Please note that breakfast items are FOR HOTEL GUESTS ONLY, so if you’re not actually staying there—and the majority of the 30 or so delegates and attendees are not staying at the hotel due to the wedding party that’s taking place the same night—you ARE NOT ALLOWED to consume the breakfast pastry items in the nook. We are currently negotiating with the manager about coffee/tea etc., but so far we’re looking at a pretty sizeable bill for the whole convention shebang, so please plan ahead and bring a Thermos from home.

The Roll Call will be conducted via Snapchat, which my teenager tells me is a fun phone thing and something that young people will relate to.

We’re trying to come up with a really good “grand gesture” for the moment at the convention—probably about 45 minutes into it. Something that crystallizes the current Republican party. So far, we’ve got some great ideas—setting our hair on fire in frustration, chasing a RINO senator down and drawing on him with a Sharpie, continuously hitting ourselves in the face with some kind of heavy metal object, that sort of thing. If you have any ideas of your own, please e-mail them to me at DEADLINE: TUESDAY AFTERNOON!!!!

Final note: We only have the Grand Ballroom until 3 p.m., when the hotel staff informs us that they must begin setting up for the Benson–Abernethy wedding. Please respect that. Again, they’re running a business. There was a time when that meant they were our kind of people.

In This Issue



Politics & Policy

The Height of the Net

America long ago committed to providing for the basic needs of all its citizens, constructing a so-called safety net of government programs to catch those unable to support themselves. But ...
Politics & Policy

Divestment du Jour

Has President Obama declared war on America’s fossil-fuel industry? The administration has been at pains to deny claims by lawmakers of both parties that it is waging a “war on ...

Books, Arts & Manners

Politics & Policy

The Roadmap

Back in the late 1980s, I was working at the National Bureau of Economic Research in Cambridge, Mass., while finishing my dissertation. At that time, I attended Harvard’s public-economics seminar, ...
Politics & Policy

The GOP at War

The testy exchange this summer over U.S. counterterrorism practices—involving two leading potential GOP presidential candidates, Kentucky senator Rand Paul and New Jersey governor Chris Christie—is part of a broad and ...
Politics & Policy

Modern Love

It’s hard for new parents not to find themselves regarding childless twentysomethings with a mix of envy and contempt. Compared with the unavoidable reality that is parenthood, their freedom seems ...


Politics & Policy


A Period Problem As a faithful reader, I was surprised to see an erroneous reference to “Harry S. Truman” in “Why Like Ike” (Kevin D. Williamson, September 2). The “S” in ...
Politics & Policy

The Week

‐ Ted Cruz read Green Eggs and Ham to the Senate, and for all they know it could have been a chapter of the Affordable Care Act. ‐ Aaron Alexis, who ...

Suffer Little Children

The odiferous species of Jerkus internetus lacks the moral compass of the Mafia, and that’s saying something. As I understand Cosa Nostra mythology, you could whack a guy for cause, ...
Politics & Policy


THE PORTRAIT Her face hung white and empty as a spoon. She had resisted every breeze and flutter That shuffled dead air through the shutter, Propped up all morning in a pose. To flush the ...
Happy Warrior

Whose Islam?

The “war” part of the war on terror is pretty much over, and we’re now fighting it culturally, rhetorically. Which is not something we do well. Take the British prime ...

Most Popular



Dear Reader (Especially everyone who got ripped off ordering that giant blimp online), Imagine an alien race that built its civilization on the fact it literally defecated highly refined uranium, or super-intelligent and obedient nano-bots, or simply extremely useful Swiss Army knives. Now imagine one of ... Read More
Politics & Policy

The Rise of the Abortion Cheerleaders

Is abortion a sad and unfortunate reality — regrettable, as we are sometimes told, but often necessary — or is it a breezy nothingburger, completely “normal,” and something to be giddily celebrated like a last-minute NFL touchdown?  For a long time, the abortion lobby has had difficulty deciding. This ... Read More

Europe Needs to Grow Up

It was a hot and difficult summer. And Europeans were pained to hear the blunt assessment that the U.S. would not be able to forever sustain NATO without greater investment on their part. The alliance was heading for “collective military irrelevance” and the current state of affairs was “unacceptable,” ... Read More