Magazine | October 14, 2013, Issue

Republican National Convention 2016


Opening Ceremony:

All delegates will assemble in the Starbucks near the off-ramp to I-40 before processing as a group to the Grand Ballroom in the Holiday Inn Express along the frontage road, where the convention will take place.

The Starbucks manager assures us he has ample space for our group of delegates, which currently totals 25 individual persons. Please note that if you have NOT yet sent in your list of guests, they MAY be turned away at the door if the manager is able to book another group at the same time. So please!!! Let your RNC rep know who you’re bringing. If you don’t know who your RNC rep is, that’s because it’s probably you. Please remember the names of your guests and plan accordingly.

Another note: The guy at the Starbucks is being really cool about not charging us for the use of the space. On the phone, he seemed pretty jazzed about having the entire membership of the Republican party in his store, and was a little surprised that we currently have only 40 national members. Still, I promised him that we’d do our best to order coffee and snacks to make up for the inconvenience, so, GUYS!!! Don’t let me down!!! Order something! This guy is a businessman. A lot of them used to be Republicans. This is a good chance for us to show everyone in the I-40 interchange area that we can be a national party again!!

Opening Address:

Senator Ted Cruz will speak to us from the set of his show on Cruz.Net ( via Skype or some other free service. (Does anyone have any connections to a company that provides this kind of video hookup??? E-mail me at

The VIP Area of the ballroom at the Holiday Inn Express is also where the hotel keeps the pool chemical stuff, so please only gather there if totally necessary. As of this morning, we have no registered VIPs coming to the convention, so this area may end up doubling as the Media Hospitality Center.

Remembering Reagan:

After the Opening Address, the lights will dim (although hotel management tells me that it won’t be completely dark due to the Jacuzzi lights outside and the fact that the Grand Ballroom and the Hotel Lobby are essentially one large room) and a group of youngsters from a non-gay Scout troop in the area will act out great moments of President Reagan’s administration. (We still need some people to hold flashlights on these talented young people, to give their presentation the visual pizzazz so typical of past Republican National Conventions, so see your RNC rep if you’ve got flashlights to lend or good aim.)

#page#The True, Real Conservative Photo Montage:

Before the Roll Call, we were planning to show a 10 to 20-minute photo montage of real, actual conservatives (NO RINOS!!!!!) on the big screen at the back of the Grand Ballroom. This event is now scrapped due to an inability to agree on who those might be.

Other Notes:

Morning Events will take place in the breakfast area of the lobby. Please try not to disturb the hotel guests as they enjoy their free breakfast. Please note that breakfast items are FOR HOTEL GUESTS ONLY, so if you’re not actually staying there—and the majority of the 30 or so delegates and attendees are not staying at the hotel due to the wedding party that’s taking place the same night—you ARE NOT ALLOWED to consume the breakfast pastry items in the nook. We are currently negotiating with the manager about coffee/tea etc., but so far we’re looking at a pretty sizeable bill for the whole convention shebang, so please plan ahead and bring a Thermos from home.

The Roll Call will be conducted via Snapchat, which my teenager tells me is a fun phone thing and something that young people will relate to.

We’re trying to come up with a really good “grand gesture” for the moment at the convention—probably about 45 minutes into it. Something that crystallizes the current Republican party. So far, we’ve got some great ideas—setting our hair on fire in frustration, chasing a RINO senator down and drawing on him with a Sharpie, continuously hitting ourselves in the face with some kind of heavy metal object, that sort of thing. If you have any ideas of your own, please e-mail them to me at DEADLINE: TUESDAY AFTERNOON!!!!

Final note: We only have the Grand Ballroom until 3 p.m., when the hotel staff informs us that they must begin setting up for the Benson–Abernethy wedding. Please respect that. Again, they’re running a business. There was a time when that meant they were our kind of people.

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