Magazine | October 28, 2013, Issue

Welcome to Obamacare

Welcome to the ACA WellBeing Market Access-Point Portal v.1.01. Please make a selection from (server disconnected)

Welcome to the ACA WellBeing Market Access-Point Portal v.1.01. If your previous session was interrupted, please select from the following options. 1. I have an account; 2. I selected a plan; 3. I’m coughing up this horrible green (server disconnected)

Welcome to the ACA WellBeing Market Access-Point Portal v.1.01. Due to high demand, all of our hamsters are currently powering other servers. Please try again.

Welcome! The ACA HealthPoint ChoicePlan Portal v.1.01b is here to help. Please enter your name and choose a password. It must have a capital and a lowercase letter, two numbers, and the symbol for the euro. If you need assistance finding the euro symbol, type the euro symbol into the box for instructions.

Sorry, your password “Password1” is not strong enough. If you would like to learn more about strong passwords, enter your password now.

Sorry, you have not created a password. Would you like to learn more about high blood pressure? Y/N

You have selected N to terminate your session. Thank you for your interest in the ACA HealthPoint ChoicePlan Portal. (server disconnected)

Welcome! The ACA HealthPoint ChoicePlan Portal v. 1.02 is ready to help you find affordable care. You have not completed the password seminar or the high-blood-pressure–warning-signs questionnaire. Would you like to complete those now before selecting your plan? Y/N

You have selected N. Completion of the questionnaire is required to create an account. Thank you for your interest. (server disconnected)

Welcome! The ACA security protocols have detected multiple attempts to access this system from this IP address. To ensure no one is attempting to access your account without your knowledge, this IP address has been banned for 48 hours. If you wish to continue, please use a computer at a public library.

Welcome! Your IP address appears to be at a library, and has been cross-referenced with FBI records to determine whether this terminal has been used to access child pornography. Please sit still while the computer’s webcam snaps a picture. If you have accessed such material, press Y. If you would like to create an account in the meantime, please press Y.

You have entered Y: I have accessed child pornography on this computer. Is this correct? Y/Y

You have hit the Escape key. This session has been logged and forwarded. If you would like to contest the charges, please (server disconnected)

Welcome! The ACA LifePlan Policy-Management System v.1.03 is here to help. It looks as if you attempted to create an account from this IP address 49 hours ago. Would you like to continue the process? Y/N

#page#Great! In the boxes below, please enter the requested information. Boxes marked with a blue star are required. Boxes marked with a red star are mandatory. Boxes marked with a red star and sickle are compulsory. When you are done, the ENROLL ME! button will appear at the bottom of the page. If the button does not appear, refresh the page.

You have elected to refresh the page. This will cause you to lose all your progress. Continue? Y/N

Welcome! The ACA LifePlan Policy-Management System v.1.03b is here to help. Due to unexpected traffic, you will be placed in a queue until system resources are freed. The next available session is in 427 hours. If you would like to receive an e-mail alert, enter your address in the box, and you will be sent a confirmation code. Please check your e-mail and click on the link for the confirmation code.

Welcome to the ACA LifePlan Policy-Management System Queue-Notification Center. The code you entered is invalid. Please try again.

The code you entered is invalid. Please try again.

The code you entered is invalid. Your IP address and e-mail have been noted for possible fraud and a temporary lock has been placed on your account. If you would like to remove the hold, please call 1-866-HEL-PME

Dee dee deee! The number you have dialed does not contain sufficient digits. Please check the number and try again.

(The Next Day) The ACA LifePlan Policy-Management System v.1.03b is offline while qaulity assurance improves the softwore. Please try later.

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(The Next Day) Welcome! The ACA WellLife ChoiceTime Policy-Assurance System 1.04 is here to help. If you would like to set up an account, click here to download a pdf of the paperwork, which can be transmitted by our EZ-Fax system.

You have selected “Downloadsetupdoxbeta.tiff.” File is 42.4 GB. Please ensure you have sufficient disk space. You have clicked Save. Retrieving document . . . (server disconnected)

Welcome to the ACA WellLife ChoiceTime Policy-Assurance System 1.04b. Due to high demand, registration has been temporarily suspended. Enter your ZIP code, and click here for a list of insurance agents in your neighborhood.

Sorry, ZIP codes must include the four-digit suffix. For a list of suffixes, click here. To have your name and phone number sent to all agents in 50-mile radius with a request to be contacted, click Y.

N N N N N is not a valid entry. If you (server disconnected)

(The Next Day) Welcome. To have your data transferred from the NSA servers, just wave at the camera. It’s on. It’s always on.

Registration complete.

– Mr. Lileks blogs at

In This Issue


Politics & Policy

Hope Springs Cautiously

Like the climate, British politics has seasons. The conference season, which opens the political year, is in September and October, beginning with the Trades Union Congress conference, ending with the ...


Politics & Policy

The Nth State

The United States of America was born after a group of reckless colonial traitors added their signatures and “sacred honor” to a declaration of political separation and backed it up ...

Books, Arts & Manners

Politics & Policy

The Messianic Style

The chapter titles in A. Scott Berg’s life of Woodrow Wilson — “Advent,” “Baptism,” “Isaiah,” “Paul,” “Ascension,” “Resurrection,” to name a few — are, when coupled with the Biblical epigraphs, ...
Politics & Policy

The Deepest Truths

David Bentley Hart is probably the greatest living scholarly defender of religious thought. The title of his 2009 book Atheist Delusions is nicely descriptive: The book pits the actual Christian ...
Politics & Policy

Bad Judgment

It’s been over a quarter-century since Robert Bork’s nomination to the Supreme Court became a defining moment in the confirmation of federal judges. Since the distinguished judge and former Yale ...
Politics & Policy

Before Oprah

We have been together a long time, Gentle Reader, so you will not be surprised by my reaction to this enormous biography of the menacing extrovert who wrote How to ...


Politics & Policy


A Taboo Worth Keeping I am the author of one of the pieces Jonah Goldberg addresses in his article “The Taboo Cliché” (September 30). While I don’t speak for the other ...
Politics & Policy

The Week

‐ Our World War II vets surely remember when “To the barricades!” had an entirely different meaning. ‐ The Obama administration celebrated the shutdown face-off by barricading open-air public monuments and ...

Welcome to Obamacare

Welcome to the ACA WellBeing Market Access-Point Portal v.1.01. Please make a selection from (server disconnected) Welcome to the ACA WellBeing Market Access-Point Portal v.1.01. If your previous session was interrupted, ...
Politics & Policy


SOME PAINTED SCENES Each segment of the year makes painted scenes, Creating sonnets. Thin and icy greens, Translucent, stuck in frigid air Hold promises, stuck in a frozen stare, And every edge that melts slips ...
Happy Warrior

The Zombie State

There’s a certain amount of lingo that comes with the provision of health care. In most developed countries, these words are “doctor,” “nurse,” “scalpel,” “appendix,” that sort of thing. But ...

Most Popular


What Do Republican Voters Want?

The latest entry in the post-Trump conservatism sweepstakes was Marco Rubio’s speech at the Catholic University of America in early November. The Florida senator made the case for a “common-good capitalism” that looks on markets in the light of Catholic social thought. “We must remember that our nation ... Read More

The Houellebecqian Moment

We are living in the imagination of Michel Houellebecq. The bête noire of French literature has spent decades deploring the erosion of Western mores that he believes resulted from the sexual revolution of the 1960s. His last novel, Submission, revolved around the election of a theocratic Muslim to the French ... Read More

‘Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself’

It was just one more segment to fill out the hour, and thereby fill the long 24 hours of Saturday’s cable news on November 2. Or so it seemed. Navy SEAL Mike Ritland was on the Fox News program Watters World to talk to Jesse Watters about trained German shepherds like the one used in the raid that found ... Read More

The Kaepernick Saga Drags On . . . off the Field

Colin Kaepernick’s workout for NFL teams in Atlanta this weekend did not run smoothly. The league announced an invitation to scouts from every team to watch Kaepernick work out and demonstrate that he was still ready to play. (As noted last week, the workout is oddly timed; the NFL season is just a bit past its ... Read More