Magazine | February 10, 2014, Issue

Document Extracts




Begin Extract #1



Unidentified Male Voice: “. . . and we make them hurt, and like that. We drop the hammer on them. We teach them that the Garden State has rules, right Mr. Governor?”

Governor Chris Christie: “I don’t want no rough stuff, okay?”

Unidentified Male Voice: “Course not. Those guys and them? Won’t even show a scratch. Will be like, in and then out. Message delivered.”

Governor Chris Christie: “I just gotta make it clear, right? What choice do I have?”

Unidentified Male Voice: “The way we see it, Governor, they made you make this choice.”

Governor Chris Christie: “Is that the way you fellas see it?”

Unidentified Voices: “Yeah . . . sure . . . you know it, boss.”

Governor Chris Christie: “Then do it.”

Unidentified Male Voice: “Rudy?”

Unidentified Second Male Voice: “Yeah?”

Unidentified Male Voice: “You heard the governor. Time to make a little noise over in Paterson. Thursday, the people over at the reference section of the public library there are going to discover that the whole large-print section is . . . closed. Closed indefinitely.”

Governor Chris Christie: “Indefinitely? Hey, look, there’s no need to go crazy here. We just want to make a point, is all.”

Unidentified Male Voice: “Governor, do you trust me? You trust me, don’t you? Out in Paterson, do you know what they’re doing now? They’re laughing at you. They’re saying, hey, big fat governor man can’t enforce a little discipline. Fat boy don’t have the muscle no more. He’s too busy eating crumb cakes and meatball grinders and cheeseballs dipped in butter and those chocolate-crunch things, what are those things called?”

Governor Chris Christie: “I get the picture.”

Unidentified Male Voice: “They’re saying, Mr. Type 2 Diabetes Governor doesn’t have the juice. Mr. Coronary Occlusion Christie is — ”

Governor Chris Christie: “I said, I GET THE PICTURE.”

Unidentified Male Voice: “Oh. Right. No disrespect.”

#page#Unidentified Second Male Voice: “So I should go ahead and put the squeeze on the reference librarian there? I mean, it’ll take some grease, but whatever.”

Unidentified Male Voice: “Rudy, the guys in Paterson and them? They didn’t ‘like’ the governor’s Facebook page. So, yeah, if it takes some grease it takes some grease. You understanding me?”

End Extract #1

Begin Extract #2


[static, traffic noise]

Unidentified Male Voice: “. . . it was a nice arrangement but not a nice NICE arrangement, you know?”

Governor Chris Christie: “They were nice flowers, okay? Mary Pat and I appreciated them.”

Unidentified Male Voice: “I felt the bouquet lacked stature. It lacked grandeur. It was basically an insult. You send somebody a bouquet like that, you’re asking for a response.”

Governor Chris Christie: “I don’t want to get into this now, okay? Look, we’re in enough trouble as it is. People are starting to think I’m some kind of vindictive New Jersey politician. Some Tony Soprano kind of thing. You think that’s going to go over well in Iowa? In New Hampshire? I need to dial it down, okay?”

Unidentified Male Voice: “So we just let this go? We let it go? Someone sends you a piddly bunch of flowers for your inauguration — a petunia here or something, I don’t know flowers, I’m not a flower guy, but, what? A hundred bucks? Whatever! An insult! We go back to the retired-nurses group and we HURT them for this. We HURT them, governor.”

Governor Chris Christie: “I think we need to let this one go.”

Unidentified Male Voice: “What am I hearing? Am I hearing right? Are my ears working? We’re going to back DOWN? Rudy, are you hearing this?”

Unidentified Second Male Voice: “Yeah, yeah, I’m hearing this. Thing is, I agree with the boss. Time to let it go.”

Unidentified Male Voice: “No. No.”

Unidentified Second Male Voice: “Pick your battles. Pick your battles. Was you taught me that.”

Governor Chris Christie: “Driver, can you stop here?”

Unidentified Male Voice: “Why are we stopping? This isn’t where we’re going.”

Governor Chris Christie: “This is where I’m getting off. Got another ride to the thing.”

Unidentified Male Voice: “Oh. Okay. Well then me and Rudy will ride with you.”

Governor Chris Christie: “Uh, no. Why don’t you and Rudy ride in this car together, okay? You and Rudy take a ride together.”

Unidentified Male Voice: “What?”

Unidentified Second Male Voice: “Yeah. You and me are going to take a ride together.”

Unidentified Male Voice: “What? WHAT?”

Governor Chris Christie: “See you around.”

[car door opening]

Unidentified Male Voice: “This isn’t right! This ISN’T RIGHT!”

Unidentified Second Male Voice: “C’mon. Let’s keep it upscale.”

Unidentified Male Voice: “After all I done for him? After all I done?”

[car door closing]

Unidentified Second Male Voice: “Whadd’I tell you? Our thing don’t play in Iowa.”


End Extract #2

Rob Long — Rob Long, Hollywood writer and producer, started his career as a screenwriter for the TV show Cheers. He is a regular writer for National Review, Newsweek International, and the Los ...

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