Magazine | April 7, 2014, Issue

From the Twitter feed of Kim Jong Un, @youthcaptain

Love the way you bring it, Mr. Putin! RT @vladtheimpaler “Loving me my warm-water port! Much respect to my peeps in Crimea! Truly grateful! #blessings”

Hey, @vladtheimpaler! I’m firing some missiles into the sea tomorrow! Really gonna stir things up! #shhhhhhh

Say what you like about the rollout and the internals of the plan, but #obamacare is at least an attempt at the right thing. Health care is a right!

Hey, @vladtheimpaler, please follow me back so I can DM you. Have some stuff I’d like to pick your brain about. Thanks!

That moment when you think you’ve been retweeted but you only got favorited. Hey, people! Please RT! A favorite is about as useless as an uncle!

Is it weird that I have funny feelings when I watch that young boy on MSNBC? Would like to send him some of my house-made artisanal kimchee and a nice card. Peeps, I keep forgetting how names work in English: Is it Maddow Rachel or Rachel Maddow?

Um, hello? Is this on? Is this on? I just test-fired a couple of missiles into the Sea of Japan and it’s like . . . crickets. Nothing. Nada. I know the world is busy with missing airplanes and Syrian chemical weapons and Russian invasions but, hello?

Impossible to accept, even a couple of weeks later, that Miss Meryl Streep did not win the Oscar for “August Osage County.” Brilliant performance. And yes, she’s won it before but I’ve also won dozens of “Kimmies” — the Korean Oscars — but that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve more.

Think it would be cute to have T-shirts made up for some of us. Hey, @basharassad and @vladtheimpaler and @iranirouhani, tweet back with your size and I’ll get some made up. Thinking, “Da Bad Boyz” or something. Happy to brainstorm.

Atkins works! Have lost 20 lbs. in about a month. Check out the before-and-after pics! Warning: NSFW!

All due respect but: The 95% vote for independence in Crimea is kind of embarrassing. Votes around here hover between 100% and 125%. Would like to know the plan for the 5% holdouts. #justsaying

RE last Tweet: no disrespect, @vladtheimpaler. Love your work and what you do. Would like to offer my advice and help, if interested but you WON’T FOLLOW ME BACK.

#page#RE last Tweet: Sorry, I get emotional. Want to know the truth? I think of you as a kind of father to me. Still looking for that perfect male role model since Dad died, and since my three older uncles were set on fire in front of me. Under my orders, yes, but still. #willyoubemydad?

I have a hard time believing that FL13 and Jolly’s win is a bellwether for the midterms. Where’s YOUR plan, Repubs? Oh, right. YOU DON’T HAVE ONE!!

So I hear that @vladtheimpaler and @iranirouhani and @basharassad had, like, a Google hangout or something? Must have been fun. Not saying I could have made it but it would have been considerate to ask. #moreflieswithhoney

Therapist made an excellent point this morning: Even if Alyssa Milano did return my calls and e-mails and DMs, she’d probably be bad for my self-esteem in a relationship. Liked what he said, not so much the way he said it. Will miss him.

Loving loving loving the new Arcade Fire. Question for the dudes in the band: Do you need a member who plays the Korean harp? Hit me back.

Okay, still nothing from @vladtheimpaler. My new therapist says that I need to understand that sometimes the world needs a rest from my magnificence. Rings true. Still: fired off a couple more missiles. (One of them with my new/old therapist attached!) Hello, world? I’m still here!

RT “@vladtheimpaler Heard squeaky noise. Maybe a mouse? Maybe my shoes are too tight? No! It’s @barackobama! Hi @barackobama! I know you’re reading my Tweets! Call me!”

Hey, @vladtheimpaler, @basharassad, @iranirouhani! Got the T-shirts back from the guy. They look good. What do you think? Pretend I’m wearing pants:

Unclear to me why the T-shirt maker needed to actually mark my T-shirt “XXXXXXXL” unless it was to make me feel bad. Well, now he feels bad in that cage. I guess we both feel bad. Not sure I get why. #hatenegativepeople

Today was a down day. Feeling fat and worthless and unattractive. Maddow Rachel hasn’t thanked me for the kimchee. No word from @vladtheimpaler re mentorship. Didn’t feel myself until I had one of my uncles killed. #notanimportantone #gratitude #beherenow #justbreathe

Rob Long — Rob Long, Hollywood writer and producer, started his career as a screenwriter for the TV show Cheers. He is a regular writer for National Review, Newsweek International, and the Los ...

In This Issue


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