Magazine | April 7, 2014, Issue

From the Twitter feed of Kim Jong Un, @youthcaptain

Love the way you bring it, Mr. Putin! RT @vladtheimpaler “Loving me my warm-water port! Much respect to my peeps in Crimea! Truly grateful! #blessings”

Hey, @vladtheimpaler! I’m firing some missiles into the sea tomorrow! Really gonna stir things up! #shhhhhhh

Say what you like about the rollout and the internals of the plan, but #obamacare is at least an attempt at the right thing. Health care is a right!

Hey, @vladtheimpaler, please follow me back so I can DM you. Have some stuff I’d like to pick your brain about. Thanks!

That moment when you think you’ve been retweeted but you only got favorited. Hey, people! Please RT! A favorite is about as useless as an uncle!

Is it weird that I have funny feelings when I watch that young boy on MSNBC? Would like to send him some of my house-made artisanal kimchee and a nice card. Peeps, I keep forgetting how names work in English: Is it Maddow Rachel or Rachel Maddow?

Um, hello? Is this on? Is this on? I just test-fired a couple of missiles into the Sea of Japan and it’s like . . . crickets. Nothing. Nada. I know the world is busy with missing airplanes and Syrian chemical weapons and Russian invasions but, hello?

Impossible to accept, even a couple of weeks later, that Miss Meryl Streep did not win the Oscar for “August Osage County.” Brilliant performance. And yes, she’s won it before but I’ve also won dozens of “Kimmies” — the Korean Oscars — but that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve more.

Think it would be cute to have T-shirts made up for some of us. Hey, @basharassad and @vladtheimpaler and @iranirouhani, tweet back with your size and I’ll get some made up. Thinking, “Da Bad Boyz” or something. Happy to brainstorm.

Atkins works! Have lost 20 lbs. in about a month. Check out the before-and-after pics! Warning: NSFW!

All due respect but: The 95% vote for independence in Crimea is kind of embarrassing. Votes around here hover between 100% and 125%. Would like to know the plan for the 5% holdouts. #justsaying

RE last Tweet: no disrespect, @vladtheimpaler. Love your work and what you do. Would like to offer my advice and help, if interested but you WON’T FOLLOW ME BACK.

#page#RE last Tweet: Sorry, I get emotional. Want to know the truth? I think of you as a kind of father to me. Still looking for that perfect male role model since Dad died, and since my three older uncles were set on fire in front of me. Under my orders, yes, but still. #willyoubemydad?

I have a hard time believing that FL13 and Jolly’s win is a bellwether for the midterms. Where’s YOUR plan, Repubs? Oh, right. YOU DON’T HAVE ONE!!

So I hear that @vladtheimpaler and @iranirouhani and @basharassad had, like, a Google hangout or something? Must have been fun. Not saying I could have made it but it would have been considerate to ask. #moreflieswithhoney

Therapist made an excellent point this morning: Even if Alyssa Milano did return my calls and e-mails and DMs, she’d probably be bad for my self-esteem in a relationship. Liked what he said, not so much the way he said it. Will miss him.

Loving loving loving the new Arcade Fire. Question for the dudes in the band: Do you need a member who plays the Korean harp? Hit me back.

Okay, still nothing from @vladtheimpaler. My new therapist says that I need to understand that sometimes the world needs a rest from my magnificence. Rings true. Still: fired off a couple more missiles. (One of them with my new/old therapist attached!) Hello, world? I’m still here!

RT “@vladtheimpaler Heard squeaky noise. Maybe a mouse? Maybe my shoes are too tight? No! It’s @barackobama! Hi @barackobama! I know you’re reading my Tweets! Call me!”

Hey, @vladtheimpaler, @basharassad, @iranirouhani! Got the T-shirts back from the guy. They look good. What do you think? Pretend I’m wearing pants:

Unclear to me why the T-shirt maker needed to actually mark my T-shirt “XXXXXXXL” unless it was to make me feel bad. Well, now he feels bad in that cage. I guess we both feel bad. Not sure I get why. #hatenegativepeople

Today was a down day. Feeling fat and worthless and unattractive. Maddow Rachel hasn’t thanked me for the kimchee. No word from @vladtheimpaler re mentorship. Didn’t feel myself until I had one of my uncles killed. #notanimportantone #gratitude #beherenow #justbreathe

In This Issue


Politics & Policy

Putin’s World

Following a telephone conversation with President Vladimir Putin about Ukraine and Crimea, German chancellor Angela Merkel is reported to have said that he is living in another world. That sounds ...


Politics & Policy

Welcome, Gentry

A short while ago, Spike Lee, the celebrated African-American filmmaker, gave a wide-ranging lecture at Brooklyn’s Pratt Institute. Among other things, he discussed the ongoing transformation of Brooklyn neighborhoods such ...

Books, Arts & Manners


Politics & Policy


SNOW DROPS First useless spears against the humus’s black backdrop, then collapse to heads hung down in puny lampshade petals: collapse without bud-burst. Autochthonous, unsown, their whited time condensed, they bell in clusters. No tongue claps and will not stop. The freak wind blusters. Down ...
Politics & Policy


RoboArt Being a little behind in my reading, I just finished Kevin D. Williamson’s great article on public art (“Vandals and Scandals”) in the February 24 issue. I would like to ...
Politics & Policy

The Week

‐ We have too much rspect for the office to take the easy shot. ‐ Republican David Jolly’s victory over Democrat Alex Sink in the special election to fill Florida-13, the ...

Most Popular

Politics & Policy

The Origins of Progressive Agony

What has transformed the Democratic party into an anguished progressive movement that incorporates the tactics of the street, embraces maenadism, reverts to Sixties carnival barking, and is radicalized by a new young socialist movement? Even party chairman Tom Perez concedes that there are “no moderate ... Read More

How Will the Senate Races Break?

How will the Senate races break? We have less public polling to go on than in recent years, so answering that question is harder than ever. But the news is more optimistic for Republicans than it was a month ago.   Waves and Breakers Four years ago, I projected in mid September that if “historical ... Read More
PC Culture

Warren Is a Fraud

Senator Elizabeth Warren (D., Mass.) has been telling a story for years. It’s a deeply romantic story about her parents and their young love, fraught with the familial bigotry of an earlier time. Here’s how she told it this week in a video she released in preparation for her 2020 run: My daddy always said he ... Read More

Two Minnesota Republican Candidates Assaulted

Two Republican candidates for state office in Minnesota have been physically assaulted in recent days, leading prominent Republican lawmakers to caution their Democratic colleagues against employing inflammatory rhetoric. Republican state representative Sarah Anderson was punched in the arm last week after ... Read More
Law & the Courts

A Christian Man Receives Justice

A good man’s legal ordeal is at an end. Yesterday, my friends and former colleagues at the Alliance Defending Freedom announced that former Atlanta fire chief Kelvin Cochran had reached a $1.2 million settlement, ending a case he brought after the city fired him for writing -- and distributing to a select few ... Read More