Magazine | May 5, 2014, Issue

Tolerant and Progressive Commencement Speeches, 2014

From the Stanford University Commencement Address, Delivered by the Commencement-Speech-Algorithm Project of the Computer Sciences Department:

Greetings, agender, androgyne, androgynous, bigender, cis, cisgender, cis female, cis male, cis man, cis woman, cisgender female, cisgender male, cisgender man, cisgender woman, female to male, FTM, gender fluid, gender nonconforming, gender questioning, gender variant, genderqueer, intersex, male to female, MTF, neither, neutrois, non-binary, other, pangender, trans, trans*, trans female, trans* female, trans male, trans* male, trans man, trans* man, trans person, trans* person, trans woman, trans* woman, transfeminine, transgender, transgender female, transgender male, transgender man, transgender person, transgender woman, transmasculine, transsexual, transsexual female, transsexual male, transsexual man, transsexual person, transsexual woman, and two-spirit students! And welcome, too, to their parents, guardians, self coaches, spirit guides, hatcheries, nurturers, gender-non-specific mothers, trans fathers, non-binary elders, genderqueer non-generationally specific responsible adults, composting aides, nonsexual partners, and gender-fluid mentors of choice! It gives the currently broadcasting non-animate algorithm enormous synthetic satisfaction to model the class-liberated and anti-colonial human behavior of joy at the successful completion of your Stanford education. Please download the appropriate app for your customized commencement experience. Share this day via Instagram and Twitter with your followers . . .


From the Brandeis University Commencement Address, Delivered via Satellite by Sheik Faraz Al-Hamzad Rasul, Operating Director of Al-Qaeda International:

Good morning, friends. I hope you can all hear me okay! And that the satellite picture isn’t too ziggy and zaggy! Modern technology, huh? As you can see from the background, I am in an anonymous location pretty much unidentifiable. Am I in Pakistan? Am I in Egypt? Who knows? What’s important is that I’m here today, in front of all of you wonderful young people, to share a little about what I’ve learned through my many years of trying to kill people, Jews especially, and wipe the State of Israel off the face of the earth. You know, they call it “commencement” because it really is a kind of a beginning. For some of you, this day marks the end of childhood and the beginning of a life spent immorally working for the Jew hegemony worldwide. To you I say, “I’m gonna getcha!” No, but seriously, you may be asking yourselves why a traditional and proudly Jewish institution would invite someone such as myself to speak to its graduating class. I mean, hey, what gives, am I right? I’ve asked myself the same thing. I said, “Sheik Faraz, why would those crafty Jews invite you, a dedicated hater of Jews who actively plots the destruction of Israel, to speak at Brandeis of all places?” And you know what I came up with? Nada. Zip. Old snake eyes. Yes, of course, you all in the West want to be “tolerant” and “open” and “accepting,” but don’t think for a minute I’m fooled by that “we embrace all viewpoints” nonsense. You’re up to something, you people at Brandeis. No one is that stupid. I mean, am I right?


From the Preamble to the 2014 Harvard Commencement Address, Delivered by Harvard University President Drew Gilpin Faust:

Welcome students, alumni, parents, and friends. What a wonderful day! Here beneath the trees of Harvard Yard, on this perfect May morning, we take a moment, we take a breath, and we mark the passing of the Class of 2014 from one step to the next.

Harvard, as you all know, is a place of great tradition, but also a place of great unity and tolerance. Students come here from all places, all backgrounds, to learn and grow in an atmosphere of diversity, tolerance, and shared experience. Harvard is a very special place. And you are all now a part of its glorious tradition of excellence and inclusion. Give yourself a hand. You’ve earned it!

For the rest of the commencement exercises, please report to the location appropriate to your race, gender, or ethnicity:

Hispanic and Latino/Latina students, please move quickly to the buses now waiting for you on the other side of Wigglesworth Hall. They will convey you and your guests to the ¡Graduación! event, on Cambridge Common. Shirts and shoes are not required for this very special event.

African-American students, please follow the signs marked by an upraised black fist as they guide you to the African-American commencement, for which an equal but distinct budget has been devoted. There you will find speakers and refreshments that address your experience in this still-tinged-by-slavery culture.

Gay students are invited to stay here, in Harvard Yard, and rearrange the chairs into a more fun and intriguing pattern. The flowers and bunting are also available for adjustment. Following that, the rest of the commencement will be performed by the Hasty Pudding Club.

Asian-American students with strong language skills are asked to lead the Asian-national students to the Airporter Express buses that will take them back to China.

This concludes this portion of the 2014 Harvard College Commencement. Please move quickly to the ethnic area and racial zone to which you have been assigned.

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