Magazine | September 22, 2014, Issue

How to Handle Your Gifted President™

A user’s guide for the media

Congratulations! You are now a Supporter of Your Very Own Gifted President! Your Gifted President™ is a finely crafted, unique lifestyle product that reflects your personal brand and advertises your exquisite taste to the world.

With intelligent care and regular maintenance, Your Gifted President™ will provide you with years of deep personal satisfaction. But like any delicate luxury product, Your Gifted President™ requires special attention and continuous application of emollients and polishing agents, in addition to proper lighting, fresh sources of praise and compliments, and lots and lots of outdoor activities!

Frequently Asked Questions about Your Gifted President

Q. I’d like to send my Gifted President™ back to the factory for maintenance. How do I do that?

A. There is currently no way to “send back” Your Gifted President™ because the moment Your Gifted President™ was created and issued by the factory, it was a perfectly unblemished luxury product without flaw. The Your Gifted President™ that you hold in your hands and proudly display as a keepsake in your home simply cannot be “improved” or “repaired” in any way. Our recommendation is, Think hard about what you don’t like about Your Gifted President™ and try, instead, to see these things as positives, or at the very least, learn to hate yourself just a little bit.

Q. I’m concerned that the Your Gifted President™ that I purchased seems distant and out of touch, like he doesn’t even want to be a Your Gifted President™ anymore. Is there anything I can do to help?

A. This is an excellent question, because it rightly puts the focus where it should be. If for any reason you are currently dissatisfied with Your Gifted President™, or, for that matter, sense that Your Gifted President™ is pulling away from you, the correct response is to ask yourself, “Am I even worthy of a Your Gifted President™? Have I in some way let my Your Gifted President™ down? What shortcomings and failings do I have in my character that might make it seem, temporarily, as if Your Gifted President™ isn’t all that gifted?” Thinking hard about these questions will undoubtedly lead you to the correct conclusion, which is that you need to work harder on loving Your Gifted President™, and not the other way around.

Q. Every now and then, the Your Gifted President™ that I currently enjoy says or does something that I find alarming. For instance, I re-cently turned to him — he is kept on a simple but elegant cherrywood pedestal in the Great Room of my home here in Austin — after watching several news reports coming out of Iraq and Syria and Ukraine. I asked him — and I promise I used the proper phrasing you suggest when speaking directly to Your Gifted President™ (soothing tones, passive voice, open with a flattering comparison, close with a simple prayer, never make direct eye contact) — and I asked my Your Gifted President™ what his strategy might be in dealing with these crises around the world. His response was to look at me blankly and say, “I don’t have a strategy.” And I have to be honest, it made me very angry because I’ll be honest, this Your Gifted President™ didn’t come cheap. I was expecting better. What do you suggest I do?

A. It is not conceivable that the Your Gifted President™ that you currently enjoy would reply in that fashion, unless you used the improper forms of address or otherwise neglected to follow the proper procedures. Please wait a month and ask again, being extra careful that your flattering comparison is flattering enough and that your tones are extra soothing. If the answer is still as you describe, wait four more months and ask again.

Q. Despite trying everything you suggest, I find that I am still very angry at the Your Gifted President™ I have — and more, that I’m embarrassed to have recommended this Your Gifted President™ to my friends and readers. Angry and disappointed. While I understand that it is unacceptable to Your Gifted President™ to express these feelings to the Your Gifted President™ that I display in my home and on my office wall, I need to express them somehow. To whom should I direct this anger?

A. Please direct all anger, etc., to John Boehner, 1011 Longworth H.O.B. Washington, DC 20515.

Q. Hi! Loving my Your Gifted President™! But I’ve noticed that in the past month he has remained absolutely still. In the past, he has given the impression of great activity, but since the spring, he hasn’t moved or given any signs of life. Do I need to water him or maybe change his setting?

A. No. Inactivity of this kind is perfectly normal in Your Gifted President™. Instead, perhaps you should be asking yourself why you feel you need a Your Gifted President™ that takes action.

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