Seriously? Guys, just heard the wildest rumor about a movie Sony is making about yours truly! So excited! Getting deets ASAP from military intelligence! #gonnabeastar #gonnashinesobright #itsshowtime

Hey! @kimkardashian! I can do that with a glass of champagne too! Follow me back so I can DM you! #weshouldgettogether #bffs #thinkingaboutlaunchingalineofsportswear

#tbt to when my dad and I first met! #iwasfifteen #awkwardteenyears #helovedmeright? twitpic.com/2y3nj

Hillary’s inevitability is also her greatest liability. Strength can also be weakness. @newyorktimeseditorialboard Please consider me for when @paulkrugman is on vacation or giving a speech.

Not getting the dudes on @sharktankABC. Would so fund that WiFi-powered dog leash it’s crazy. Lunch and dinner just an app click away. #nobrainer

1/ Hard for some of my Tweeps to understand, but when you’re famous crazy rumors get started about you! Amirite @justinbieber and @richardgere??

2/ Sort of left the spotlight for a bit to get my head together. Talked to @unclesoon about maybe taking a step back from leadership to work on my screenplay . . .

3/ Was not — repeat not — under house arrest! LOL! #priceofcelebrity

Hello @sony executives. Have heard you guys are doing a movie about me! Awesome sauce! Have a suggestion about who can play me!

@sony Ahem ahem! Here’s me in my underwear! Been working out. FYI: Underwear may not be visible yet but let me keep hitting the gym! instagram.com/rTYiSeeW

To @revalsharpton really impressed that you’ve kept off the weight. Saw you on MSNBC totes DESTROYING the wingnuts re #Ferguson and couldn’t take my eyes off your suit! No carbs? Low fat? #helpabrotherout

Deep thots: When you spend a whole month locked in your room with nothing but your Sony PlayStation, you get *really* good at Sony PlayStation! Thanks, @unclesoon! #noseriously #nothousearrest

Hey! @taylorswift I think I matched you on @tinder but swiped left by mistake! DM me! Was just trying to wipe off some BBQ sauce! #yagottalaugh #datingsucks

Advice needed: If a person was locked in his room for several months #nothousearrest and then gets out and then wants to do that thing on the Internet where you dump ice water on your head, is it too late now? #allwehaveisdialupinternethere

Really upset. I mean, @unclesoon tells me I’m crying harder than I did when we couldn’t get that factory to make that pizza where there’s cheese in the crust. I can’t even say what I just heard. #depressed

Can I please talk to you, @therealjamesfranco and @sethrogen?? You’re making a movie about killing me?????? WTF?? Like I’m not your biggest fan, at least your biggest fan east of the Yalu River? #callme #veryupset #willingtohearanexplanation

Hey! @mileycyrus! I think I matched you on @tinder but swiped left by mistake! DM me! Was just trying to wipe off some aioli! #yagottalaugh #datingsucks

Feel so weird about a movie about killing me from stars I totally worship. What did I ever do to deserve this? (Outside the official Korean border I mean.) #hurtful

@elizabethwarren Run, Liz, run! We need ya!

Still no word from @sony or @therealjamesfranco or @sethrogen about the movie they made where they kill me. Silence = disrespect. #racism

Did you guys know that if you hit the “Send Feedback” button on your networked PlayStation you can send an email directly to Sony execs? #theyregonnahearfromme

Any medical Tweeps out there please tell me if you can get shingles from stress? Think I’ve got some! And they’re exactly where you DON’T want shingles. Please hmb if you know what to do about them. instagram.com/p/wknRYCqxa/ WARNING: NSFW!!!!

Lots of weird feelings about the #uva #rollingstone story. Feeling totally violated by @sony and the guys. Always loved them and loved their movies and even defended Sony’s recent releases even though most of them totally bit. #evendictatorscanberaped #racism #standwithjackie

You know what hurts the most? The posters for that movie show me way way fatter than I am now. #slowcarbs #portioncontrol #stopcountingcalories #nodieindiet #sisepuede

Did you guys know that if you get melted cheese on your PlayStation while you’re sending an email to Sony execs and try to wipe it off with Mountain Dew you suddenly get to the Command Prompt of the Sony main database?

Please DM me anyone who knows what a Command Prompt is. Getting a lot of tsuris from @unclesoon for messing up my new PlayStation.

Ever since #knockedup @sethrogen has just been phoning it in. #truth

#sorrynotsorry

Did you guys know that when you get to the Command Prompt of a mainframe you can pretty much do anything and see anything in that computer? #whosstupidnow?

Hey Tweeps! Thanks to your #crowdsourcing help, I’m totally inside the whole @sony computer system. Know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna UPLOAD my screenplay into their system and BLOW THEIR MINDS with my talent. #successisrevenge

Ignore last tweet. @unclesoon has a different way to go.