Magazine January 26, 2015, Issue

Welcome to the New Congress!

Congratulations on being a Member of the 114th Congress. We’re off to an exciting start!

If you’re a Member of the Republican Caucus, please continue reading. If you’re a Member of the Democratic Caucus, please skip this section and go directly to the “To Members of the Democratic Caucus” section below.


To Members of the Republican Caucus:

We’re pleased to have you here. We know the first few days of any Congress can be hectic and confusing, so feel free to reach out to any Welcome Staff person — in the American-flag T-shirts — for anything.

Some announcements:

Packing boxes are collected at the end of the day. Please direct your staff to place all empty boxes in the hallways in front of the collection points. Collection points are clearly marked, directly in front of the office doors of Members of the Democratic Caucus.

The “How to Spot a White Supremacist Organization” seminar is required for all new and returning Members of the Republican Caucus. This seminar will help new and old Members avoid embarrassing fundraising events. It will be held hourly in the Frederick Muhlenberg Room in Rayburn. Please note: Do not send a staffperson. Members must come in person. Session begins with some light Bible study.

Senator Ted Cruz is available all week for informal counseling and drop-in services.

The Deniably Erotic Book Club will not meet this week. It’s just too crazy. We will meet next week in the Charles Frederick Crisp Language Arts Center in Rayburn. Please come with some suggestions for this Congress’s book list. Past books are on our Facebook page — invitation required — so please do not suggest books that have been read in the previous two Congresses. New Members welcome! Session begins with some light Bible study.

Your caucus now has a media hub for podcasting and social-media operations! Don’t know what that means? Come to the Media Open House and find out! Drop by between 12:00 p.m. and 5 p.m. anytime this week to be introduced to the equipment and the staff. Located in the old Nancy Pelosi Yoga Studio in Cannon.

The “Team Dump Boehner” group will be meeting for an informal get-to-know-you ice-cream social this afternoon at 4 p.m. in the Card Room in Longworth. Mix and mingle with other Members of the Dump Boehner coalition, have some scrumptious ice cream, and relax with new and old colleagues. All are welcome, including the undecided and the simply curious. No judgments and no expectations.

Need a new intern? Want to swap out your old ones? Come to the Intern Swap with interns to trade and/or replace. Please arrive before 3 p.m. with all of the interns you’re swapping in order for the organizers to make the right arrangements. Please note: Intern Swap has been rescheduled to next week due to budgetary issues.

New Members are cordially invited to the Sixth Annual Fox News Steak and Shake Mixer at Del Frisco’s steakhouse, 950 I Street NW. This is a great time to get to know your fellow congressmen and get some tips and pointers from media professionals on hair care, weight loss, anger concealment, and proper wardrobe fit. The event starts at 6:30 p.m., but get there early for the famous Bret Baier Blooming-Onion Toss. Note: This invitation is a plus-one.

Like to craft but don’t know where? Join the Republican Caucus Crafters Guild, meeting in Howell Cobb Crafting Nook in Longworth. Bring your materials and your projects and get to know your fellow crafters! Session begins with some light Bible study.

The “Boehner Now Boehner Forever Team” will be meeting continuously in the William Brockman Bankhead Hall in the Congressional Power Plant (map attached). Drop in anytime this week for informal conversation, professional chair massages, fundraising tips and techniques, a Welcome Packet including valuable coupons and giveaways, and a casual “Smoke ’em if you got ’em” town-hall-style “talkback” with the Speaker and his staff. Come with questions, problems, whatever’s on your mind. Curious and undecideds are totally welcome! All we ask is that you come with an open mind — and an appetite! Come see the famous 25-foot-long sub sandwich!!

To Members of the Democratic Caucus:

1. No seconds on desserts in cafeteria. (Jell-O™-type desserts excepted.)

2. Please park in the specially designated “Democratic Caucus” area, which is currently in Baltimore, Md. (Shuttle service available.)

3. The boxes stacked in front of your office doors are a fire hazard. Please remove them immediately or you will be fined.

In This Issue


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What Would Reagan Say?

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On the Right Track

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No ‘Mao Moment’

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