Magazine | February 9, 2015, Issue

From the Dream Journal of Joseph Biden, Vice President of the United States

Monday:

Tossed and turned. Hit snooze button several times. Here is the dream I remember:

I am standing on the set of what looks like the TV show where they sing — is it American Idol or The Voice or something — and I’m sweating and panting and I think that I just finished nailing a really great number because everyone is cheering for me. I am doing that thing where you bask in the applause and stretch your arms wide as if to funnel the applause into yourself, and I am suddenly aware of my nakedness. And without really any warning the applause turns to laughter and I am being jeered at by strangers, except one of the strangers is famous character actor the late Wilford Brimley, who takes me in his arms and carries me offstage and deposits me on what seems like a velvet sofa. He says, “You were the one all along, Joe. You were the one. Take what’s yours, Joe,” and then he kisses me on the lips and as I recoil a little bit I realize that it’s not Wilford Brimley at all but Hillary Clinton, and she’s in a strange kind of leather jumpsuit, and she kisses me again and this time I don’t recoil and the kiss turns passionate, but she sprouts wings and flies away like a wonderful bird of prey, and I am naked and hear the crowd roaring for me and I walk back onstage, naked and unafraid, which is when Dr. Jill Biden nudged me awake because someone was on the Today show she wanted me to see.

Questions: Who is Wilford Brimley to me? Why did the audience laugh at my naked body? Where did that come from? Not usually the feedback I get re: that. Wonder if Hillary Clinton ever dreams about me. Something too personal to ask? Maybe in a text or FB message?

Tuesday:

Slept like a baby. All I can remember is that I was giving the Dalai Lama a backrub and he was really thankful. Woke up and smelled waffles.

Questions: Dalai Lama back was smooth and surprisingly muscular. Investigate vegetarian diet for self?

Wednesday:

Slept well, though Dr. Jill Biden kicked furiously in her sleep.

In the middle of the night felt the duvet cover wrapping itself around my neck and jolted awake. Dr. Jill Biden was fast asleep, so I woke her up, too, and said, “Hey, Dr. Jill Biden, I just had the weirdest dream, like I was choking to death.” “Will you stop it with your dreams, Joe?” she shouted at me. “Don’t you realize that you’re a national joke? That people laugh at you? You keep talking about how you’re going to run for president and it’s like you don’t get it, do you? That’s never going to happen. You’ve turned yourself into a clown. I can’t take this anymore. I really can’t.” Which hurt me terribly and I was about to cry but for some reason I couldn’t, and then I realized that I was still asleep and that Dr. Jill Biden was also still asleep! It was still a dream!! Even though it was so real it was like we were both awake. So in my dream I went back to sleep and promised myself when I woke up I’d share the story with Dr. Jill Biden and we’d both laugh about it but when I woke up she was already dressed and heading to work so maybe later today I’ll grab her and download the whole thing.

Questions: None.

Thursday:

Slept fitfully due to late-night bowl of Cherry Garcia. Must remember No dairy after 6 p.m.!!

Felt hot, like I was burning up, and I felt the sheets over my face, so when I lifted them off I was in the blazing sunshine and being dragged along the desert by some tough-looking ISIS-type guys in those outfits they wear, and I was being really stoic and giving it all right back to them, I was reminding them that I was Joe Biden, vice president of the United States, and that this was a crime that America would avenge with full fury, and I saw the small camera one of them was using and I was, like, no way am I going to buckle under. But I was afraid and I wanted to be very present to that fact, so I turned to the camera and said, “Hey, this is Joe Biden, vice president of the United States, and I’m afraid right now and I want to own that. I’m here with these terrorist dudes and I’m telling you right now, this is scary stuff.” The honesty of my words changed the mood and when the guys let their guard down I started to run. But I was running in sand so I didn’t get far. But so were they, so they didn’t either. When I woke up, Dr. Jill Biden was doing her P90X stuff.

Questions: Should I do P90X?

Friday:

Fell asleep during David Muir’s ABC World News Tonight. Woke up disoriented. Fell asleep again and woke up six hours later to the sound of Dr. Jill Biden snoring.

Questions: Will Dr. Jill Biden wear a CPAP machine?

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