Magazine March 9, 2015, Issue

Transcript from the Al Jazeera Political Talk Show The Irshad Group

February 17, 2015

Host Al-Irshad: “Issue One! We’re Be-Headin’ to a Crusade! In the aftermath of President Barack Obama’s comments about the historical Christian crimes against Islam, which for once were reported on fairly in the Jew-controlled media, the issue of the Crusades is once again raised in the region. Question: Is this the beginning of the long-awaited payback period for followers of Islam against the filthy infidels to the north and west, I ask you Syndicated Columnist Qu’Turush!”

Syndicated Columnist Qu’Turush: “That’s a ridiculously simplistic question and you are obviously a Jew-sympathizing homosexual. Even my wife, who could neither read nor write, would have formulated a more sophisticated analysis before I set her on fire for using scissors. But to answer your absurd question, the people of the Great Emerging Caliphate will have their long-promised vengeance and the bones of fools like you will be sharpened into spears to aid in the fight.”

Political Consultant Salil Faqtb: “Can I just say — ”

Qu’Turush: “Do not interrupt me, woman.”

Salil Faqtb: “Okay, first, I’m not a woman. I’m a man. Here’s how you can tell: I’m wearing a suit. I’m not the one wearing the dress.”

Qu’Turush: “I am wearing the ancient robes of my ancestors! Die! Die, dog!”

Al-Irshad: “Gentlemen, please. Salil Faqtb, please continue.”

Salil Faqtb: “I was just going to say that the Crusades really didn’t have anything to do with Christianity per se. They weren’t part of the Christian doctrine, and as such I think it’s more useful to see the Crusades as random events, sort of spontaneous gatherings of people who suddenly found themselves on a trek together and were all like, Hey, are you going to Jerusalem, too? Hey, yeah, us too. How weird and random. Want to come with? That kind of situation.”

Qu’Turush: “I will now give you the supreme and most merciful gift, a swift and painless beheading.”

Ba’ath Strategist Ali Ba’Nasri: “Can we return to the question? I worked a bit on the Obama 2008 campaign — mostly messaging and some outreach — and what’s happening here is a pivot, and a smart one, from a pro-Israel and pro-European position to a more nuanced and complex view of the world, aided, I think, by the well-timed and restrained use of beheading and lighting people on fire — ”

Qu’Turush: “This is what I have been saying! Why is everyone behaving like a homosexual and not listening?”

Ali Ba’Nasri: “ — and as such it shows two things. One, that you can appeal to your base and also reach out to others; and two, that the Crusades remain a terrific wedge issue, even nine hundred years later.”

Qu’Turush: “What do you mean, even nine hundred years later? That is but a blink, a snap of the fingers!”

Al-Irshad: “Issue Two! The Toughest Hijab in the World! Democrats in the United States are reeling over polls that show a low amount of enthusiasm for current front-runner Hillary Clinton. Those on the left are clamoring for Elizabeth Warren, newly elected senator from Massachusetts, to step into the race with her personal brand of populist liberal activism. Question: Will Hillaryland prevail in driving all other contestants out of the race? I ask you, Qu’Turush.”

Qu’Turush: “This is an irrelevant question. Why is the unveiled whore wife of a syphilitic former president more politically viable than the unveiled whore senator who claims Bedouin ancestry? Both should be stoned publicly. Although I do admire the whore senator’s position on credit-card fees, so perhaps when she is tossed from the minaret she will be allowed a blindfold as a sign of gratitude.”

Salil Faqtb: “Okay, see, right there. This is where we’re turning off the middle. If both of those women were veiled properly and conducted their work from the home, under the supervision of their male relatives, there’s nothing in the Koran that says that either one couldn’t be a terrific president.”

Ali Ba’Nasri: “I think it would be exciting to have a female president of the United States. It would be, as we say, a game changer. And it would be an inspiration to young girls to see a proud and powerful female lead a nation from a cushion in her husband’s house and to speak through him when he allows her.”

Qu’Turush: “Madness! This is why we are having a culture war! This is why parents are homeschooling their sons! Why don’t we all just go have a bar mitzvah and sing in public while we’re at it?”

Al-Irshad: “The answer is: Warren runs! Because it turns out she is also part Jew! Bye-bye!”

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