Magazine | April 6, 2015, Issue

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com

From: customersupport@clintonautomatedsystems.com

Subj: DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL

Thank you for contacting customer support. We have received your message and are reviewing it. We will contact you within 72 hours to resolve the issue. We appreciate your business.

Customer Service Ticket No. 1889287229

Date of Ticket Issue: 09.11.12

Issue: Hillary Unit not responding to external override inputs. Hillary Unit displays measurable lag time in responding to external requests to execute action sequences. Hillary Unit no longer displays accurate comm logs for processor communication and internal data transfer. Please review recent firmware failure and report. Please search firmware comm logs for text strings: help us Benghazi embassy under attack where is air cover need rescue in order to locate source of malfunction. Please note that this repair comes under regular monthly maintenance agreement and IS NOT subject to additional billing.

Level of Priority: CRITICAL

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com

From: customersupport@clintonautomatedsystems.com

Subj: DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL

Thank you for contacting customer support. We have received your message and are reviewing it. We will contact you within 72 hours to resolve the issue. We appreciate your business.

Customer Service Ticket No. 8284756201

Date of Ticket Issue: 01.23.13

Issue: Unit no longer processing human warmth. Unit seems to be displaying signs of total breakdown in Natural Human Empathy Algorithm. This has been repaired and repaired several times and EACH TIME it suddenly lurches into malfunction without sending the error code. This was supposed to be fixed when Hillary Unit 1.0 was retooled for 2.0 and 2.3. But it continues to be a bug. Unit 2.7 now outputs raw text without hierarchical organization or semantic leveling. Please see ERROR HY765FR: “What difference, at this point, does it make?” to recreate error function.

Level of Priority: URGENT

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com

From: customersupport@clintonautomatedsystems.com

Subj: DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL

Thank you for contacting customer support. We have received your message and are reviewing it. We will contact you within 72 hours to resolve the issue. We appreciate your business.

Customer Service Ticket No. 5992919375

Date of Ticket Issue: 07.10.14

Issue: Unit is no longer displaying proper latency period between receiving external query request and delivering query responses. Unit was tuned during 1.0 and 1.8 overhauls to cycle noiselessly through randomly generated time sequences in order to simulate “reflection” and “thinking” for external query sources. Unit was tuned and subsequently optimized for parallel functions during this cycling including nodding, sympathetic facial expressioning, and even, on up cycles, smiling. Unit has NEVER managed an error-free execution of these functions, but upon uploading and installing new software in preparation for the 3.0 update, Unit now bypasses the latency period altogether and begins delivering query responses before external query requests have been completed, creating a “dishonest” or “suspect” operational User Experience. Please reinstall the latency period and disable, if necessary, the parallel functionality for the Unit. It is IMPERATIVE that Unit regain the “honest” User Experience.

Level of Priority: IMMEDIATE ACTION REQUIRED

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com

From: customersupport@clintonautomatedsystems.com

Subj: DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL

Thank you for contacting customer support. We have received your message and are reviewing it. We will contact you within 72 hours to resolve the issue. We appreciate your business.

Customer Service Ticket No. 5757392994

Date of Ticket Issue: 03.03.15

Issue: When Unit receives unstructured queries from external sources, Unit shuts down temporarily. When Unit is not configured for certain requests for service or response queries, Unit goes into Hibernation Mode and refuses all external requests and prepares itself for temporary shutdown. PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS NOT A BUG. THIS IS A FEATURE. Do not repair. Repeat: DO NOT REPAIR.

Level of Priority: N/A

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com

From: customersupport@clintonautomatedsystems.com

Subj: DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL

Thank you for contacting customer support. We have received your message and are reviewing it. We will contact you within 72 hours to resolve the issue. We appreciate your business.

Customer Service Ticket No. 8688200203

Date of Ticket Issue: 03.19.15

Issue: Laughter mechanism continues to malfunction. Unit displays little or no laughter regulation, despite tuning and retuning the laughter algorithm during the 1.0 and 2.0 updates. Unit continues to emit laughter when not contextual, and often defaults to Terminal Mode when Laughter Mode completes its cycle. Contextual and Recognizable Laughter is a crucial part of the Unit’s functionality and was part of the original Scope of Work Document from 2000 and 2008 (Revised). Unit must be able to provide contextual and immediate laughter or laughter-like emissions THROUGHOUT EACH BATTERY CYCLE or Unit cannot be deemed to be “functional.”

Level of Priority: MUST HAVE

In This Issue

Articles

Politics & Policy

Obama at Selma

President Barack Obama’s speech in Selma, Ala., on the 50th anniversary of the “Bloody Sunday” voting-rights march drew glowing reviews, with some commentators hailing it as the greatest speech of ...
Politics & Policy

Hillary Rules

A recent New York Times report that Hillary Clinton skirted federal-records laws as secretary of state by exclusively using a private e-mail system to conduct official business set off a ...
Politics & Policy

Modern Pollster

A few days before Eric Cantor lost his Virginia congressional district’s GOP nomination last year, his campaign touted the finding of an internal poll. It showed Cantor, the majority leader ...

Features

Politics & Policy

Is the Party Over?

Following a night of drunken revelry, Homer reports, Elpenor — one of Odysseus’s unhappy and rapidly dwindling band of brothers — climbs atop the roof of the house where they ...

Books, Arts & Manners

Politics & Policy

Not-So-Grand Bargain

Many Americans today would like to move beyond the abortion wars. Most of the time, this hopeful suggestion is made either by political liberals (who are frustrated by the pro-life ...
Politics & Policy

Elite Convergence

Conservatives thinking about class and economic inequality will be attracted to Joel Kotkin’s latest book. There’s much to like in it, especially its description of how the leading elements of ...
Politics & Policy

Funky Founder

The hottest ticket in New York right now is a musical at the Public Theater, the downtown off-Broadway venue. The star and creator is Lin-Manuel Miranda, a 35-year-old Nuyorican composer ...

Sections

The Long View

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com From: customersupport@clintonautomatedsystems.com Subj: DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL Thank you for contacting customer support. We have received your message and are reviewing it. We will contact you within 72 hours ...
Politics & Policy

Poetry

CLASSICS Classics pile up on your desk — like unopened mail From the old man’s bank, not blank checks For endless free interpretation, But a mounting high inheritance tax, Assessing and possessing your imagination With truth, ...
Politics & Policy

Letters

Consider the Freight Train I am flabbergasted by Kevin A. Hassett’s piece “Off the Rails” (March 9), which includes the statement “Even the worst rail systems in Europe are superior to ...
Politics & Policy

The Week

‐ All our missing voters seem to have turned up in Israel. ‐ The general election in Israel was a triumph for Benjamin Netanyahu. His opponents had overtaken him in the ...
Athwart

From Clintonemail.com IT

Herewith a selection of e-mails from the low-level techs who administered clintonemail.com, written to its primary user. August 9, 2009 Hey, Jeremy here. Okay I got clintonemail.com up and running for ...

Most Popular

Elections

The 2020 Battle Begins

The 2020 campaign begins in earnest next week in Florida, when Donald Trump officially launches his reelection bid. On June 26, 20 Democratic candidates and five moderators hold the first of two nights of debates. Where do things stand? According to the polls, President Trump starts at a disadvantage. He has ... Read More