Magazine | April 6, 2015, Issue

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com

From: customersupport@clintonautomatedsystems.com

Subj: DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL

Thank you for contacting customer support. We have received your message and are reviewing it. We will contact you within 72 hours to resolve the issue. We appreciate your business.

Customer Service Ticket No. 1889287229

Date of Ticket Issue: 09.11.12

Issue: Hillary Unit not responding to external override inputs. Hillary Unit displays measurable lag time in responding to external requests to execute action sequences. Hillary Unit no longer displays accurate comm logs for processor communication and internal data transfer. Please review recent firmware failure and report. Please search firmware comm logs for text strings: help us Benghazi embassy under attack where is air cover need rescue in order to locate source of malfunction. Please note that this repair comes under regular monthly maintenance agreement and IS NOT subject to additional billing.

Level of Priority: CRITICAL

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com

From: customersupport@clintonautomatedsystems.com

Subj: DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL

Thank you for contacting customer support. We have received your message and are reviewing it. We will contact you within 72 hours to resolve the issue. We appreciate your business.

Customer Service Ticket No. 8284756201

Date of Ticket Issue: 01.23.13

Issue: Unit no longer processing human warmth. Unit seems to be displaying signs of total breakdown in Natural Human Empathy Algorithm. This has been repaired and repaired several times and EACH TIME it suddenly lurches into malfunction without sending the error code. This was supposed to be fixed when Hillary Unit 1.0 was retooled for 2.0 and 2.3. But it continues to be a bug. Unit 2.7 now outputs raw text without hierarchical organization or semantic leveling. Please see ERROR HY765FR: “What difference, at this point, does it make?” to recreate error function.

Level of Priority: URGENT

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com

From: customersupport@clintonautomatedsystems.com

Subj: DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL

Thank you for contacting customer support. We have received your message and are reviewing it. We will contact you within 72 hours to resolve the issue. We appreciate your business.

Customer Service Ticket No. 5992919375

Date of Ticket Issue: 07.10.14

Issue: Unit is no longer displaying proper latency period between receiving external query request and delivering query responses. Unit was tuned during 1.0 and 1.8 overhauls to cycle noiselessly through randomly generated time sequences in order to simulate “reflection” and “thinking” for external query sources. Unit was tuned and subsequently optimized for parallel functions during this cycling including nodding, sympathetic facial expressioning, and even, on up cycles, smiling. Unit has NEVER managed an error-free execution of these functions, but upon uploading and installing new software in preparation for the 3.0 update, Unit now bypasses the latency period altogether and begins delivering query responses before external query requests have been completed, creating a “dishonest” or “suspect” operational User Experience. Please reinstall the latency period and disable, if necessary, the parallel functionality for the Unit. It is IMPERATIVE that Unit regain the “honest” User Experience.

Level of Priority: IMMEDIATE ACTION REQUIRED

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com

From: customersupport@clintonautomatedsystems.com

Subj: DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL

Thank you for contacting customer support. We have received your message and are reviewing it. We will contact you within 72 hours to resolve the issue. We appreciate your business.

Customer Service Ticket No. 5757392994

Date of Ticket Issue: 03.03.15

Issue: When Unit receives unstructured queries from external sources, Unit shuts down temporarily. When Unit is not configured for certain requests for service or response queries, Unit goes into Hibernation Mode and refuses all external requests and prepares itself for temporary shutdown. PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS NOT A BUG. THIS IS A FEATURE. Do not repair. Repeat: DO NOT REPAIR.

Level of Priority: N/A

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com

From: customersupport@clintonautomatedsystems.com

Subj: DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL

Thank you for contacting customer support. We have received your message and are reviewing it. We will contact you within 72 hours to resolve the issue. We appreciate your business.

Customer Service Ticket No. 8688200203

Date of Ticket Issue: 03.19.15

Issue: Laughter mechanism continues to malfunction. Unit displays little or no laughter regulation, despite tuning and retuning the laughter algorithm during the 1.0 and 2.0 updates. Unit continues to emit laughter when not contextual, and often defaults to Terminal Mode when Laughter Mode completes its cycle. Contextual and Recognizable Laughter is a crucial part of the Unit’s functionality and was part of the original Scope of Work Document from 2000 and 2008 (Revised). Unit must be able to provide contextual and immediate laughter or laughter-like emissions THROUGHOUT EACH BATTERY CYCLE or Unit cannot be deemed to be “functional.”

Level of Priority: MUST HAVE

In This Issue

Articles

Politics & Policy

Obama at Selma

President Barack Obama’s speech in Selma, Ala., on the 50th anniversary of the “Bloody Sunday” voting-rights march drew glowing reviews, with some commentators hailing it as the greatest speech of ...
Politics & Policy

Hillary Rules

A recent New York Times report that Hillary Clinton skirted federal-records laws as secretary of state by exclusively using a private e-mail system to conduct official business set off a ...
Politics & Policy

Modern Pollster

A few days before Eric Cantor lost his Virginia congressional district’s GOP nomination last year, his campaign touted the finding of an internal poll. It showed Cantor, the majority leader ...

Features

Politics & Policy

Is the Party Over?

Following a night of drunken revelry, Homer reports, Elpenor — one of Odysseus’s unhappy and rapidly dwindling band of brothers — climbs atop the roof of the house where they ...

Books, Arts & Manners

Politics & Policy

Not-So-Grand Bargain

Many Americans today would like to move beyond the abortion wars. Most of the time, this hopeful suggestion is made either by political liberals (who are frustrated by the pro-life ...
Politics & Policy

Elite Convergence

Conservatives thinking about class and economic inequality will be attracted to Joel Kotkin’s latest book. There’s much to like in it, especially its description of how the leading elements of ...
Politics & Policy

Funky Founder

The hottest ticket in New York right now is a musical at the Public Theater, the downtown off-Broadway venue. The star and creator is Lin-Manuel Miranda, a 35-year-old Nuyorican composer ...

Sections

Politics & Policy

Letters

Consider the Freight Train I am flabbergasted by Kevin A. Hassett’s piece “Off the Rails” (March 9), which includes the statement “Even the worst rail systems in Europe are superior to ...
Politics & Policy

The Week

‐ All our missing voters seem to have turned up in Israel. ‐ The general election in Israel was a triumph for Benjamin Netanyahu. His opponents had overtaken him in the ...
Athwart

From Clintonemail.com IT

Herewith a selection of e-mails from the low-level techs who administered clintonemail.com, written to its primary user. August 9, 2009 Hey, Jeremy here. Okay I got clintonemail.com up and running for ...
The Long View

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com

To: hdr22@clintonemail.com From: customersupport@clintonautomatedsystems.com Subj: DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL Thank you for contacting customer support. We have received your message and are reviewing it. We will contact you within 72 hours ...
Politics & Policy

Poetry

CLASSICS Classics pile up on your desk — like unopened mail From the old man’s bank, not blank checks For endless free interpretation, But a mounting high inheritance tax, Assessing and possessing your imagination With truth, ...

Most Popular

Elections

A Reckoning Is in Store for Democrats

The crisis of the Democrats is becoming more evident each week. Those of us who have been loudly predicting for years that the Russian-collusion argument would be exposed as a defamatory farce, and that the authors of it would eventually pay for it, are bemused at the fallback position of the Trump-haters: that ... Read More
Politics & Policy

Ilhan Omar: A Hostage Situation

‘It has to stop,” says Representative Ilhan Omar. No, it does not. Representative Omar, the Jew-hating Minnesota Democrat, is engaged in one of her usual games of misdirection, a pattern of hers that by now is familiar enough to be predicted: She says something outrageously stupid, offensive, ... Read More
Elections

Why ‘Stop Sanders’?

'Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?” T. S. Eliot asked. “Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?” And where is the intelligence we have lost in cleverness? Cleverness is the plague of our political classes, an influenza of the intellect. The consultants are always trying to ... Read More
Immigration

Trump Is Hell-Bent on ‘Owning the Libs’

President Trump is looking into giving a free trip to San Francisco, New Orleans, or other great American cities to tens of thousands of refugees from Central America. All so he can own the libs. “Owning the libs” is one of those phrases to have emerged over the past few years that vacillates between ... Read More
Film & TV

Everyone Is Wrong about The Searchers

The greatest Western of all time . . . isn’t. Though The Searchers is regularly hailed as the finest exemplar of its genre and one of the best movies of any kind (seventh-best of all time, according to the decennial Sight & Sound poll), John Ford’s 1956 film is mediocre for most of its run time. Nearly ... Read More