Magazine | May 4, 2015, Issue

National Security Agency Radio-Frequency Monitoring

LOCATION: DUNBAR, OHIO

FREQUENCY: 287.90 GHz

BEGIN EXTRACT

[Static.]

Male Voice: “Can you hear me, Mrs. Clinton? Nod and wave if you can hear me?”

Female Voice: “What’s she doing?”

Second Female Voice: “Is she waving? We don’t have a visual yet. Get her into visual range.”

Male Voice: “Mrs. Clinton, can you hear me? Wave if you can.”

Female Voice: “Got it. She’s waving.”

Male Voice: “Okay, Mrs. Clinton, we have a visual on you now.”

Second Female Voice: “We can see the earpiece. Tell her to reinstall the earpiece.”

Male Voice: “Mrs. Clinton, we’re picking up some of the earpiece just around the outer ear. If you can, just casually push the earpiece back deeply into the ear. Just casually like you’re brushing back your hair — ”

Female Voice: “What is she doing? Tell her to stop that!”

Male Voice: “Okay, Mrs. Clinton, let’s just leave it there. I was thinking maybe a more casual gesture. You don’t need to use the Sharpie. Just . . . okay, just keep walking towards the Olive Garden. Just walk casually. Okay, Mrs. Clinton, see, right there — when a person notices you and says hello it’s really okay to stop and greet them. So, yeah, just stop there and turn slightly to your left. No, the other left. Notice the family. Make sure your eyes spend a moment or two directed to each of them and — ”

Female Voice: “What is she doing? This is . . . stop her!”

Male Voice: “Mrs. Clinton, no! No! Stop! Do not smell the baby. The baby is a real thing, Mrs. Clinton. It’s a living thing. It means you no harm. Remember the rehearsals. Okay? Smile at the baby. Smile. No, that’s not a smile, Mrs. Clinton. That’s why the baby is crying.”

Female Voice: “Send in the Rescue Team!”

Second Female Voice: “No! Wait. Wait. Let this play out. Remind her about the smile training we did.”

Male Voice: “Mrs. Clinton, you’re doing great. Just relax. These are just regular people out for a nice dinner, they like you, the baby is not a threat, everything is good. Okay? Now, relax your lips again so they cover your incisors. Good. Okay, now let’s move into a smile. Begin the smile. That’s when you try to move the corners of your mouth back towards the ears, okay?”

Female Voice: “We need to shut this down now.”

Second Female Voice: “She’s going to get it. Just give her a second.”

Male Voice: “No! Mrs. Clinton! Stop! I meant move the corners of your mouth to your ears, not the baby’s. Give the baby back to the parents. Now! Okay, now laugh like we rehearsed — wonderful! — look the parents in the eye, tell them you’ve enjoyed listening to them. Do NOT smell the baby again. Now turn to face the Olive Garden. Walk towards the Olive Garden. Don’t jog, Mrs. Clinton. This is a fun walk, okay? This is just Grammy Clinton out for a fun walk. It’s okay for your knees to bend, Mrs. Clinton. That’s the way normal people walk. Yes, yes, doing great. Okay now, inside the Olive Garden.”

Female Voice: “What is she doing with her mouth?”

Second Female Voice: “She’s doing it again. Stop her.”

Male Voice: “It’s okay, Mrs. Clinton. That person is greeting you. They’re safe. You’re safe. Do not continue spitting at her. Just smile and go into your greeting protocol. Ask about her and her life. Work the checklist, Mrs. Clinton. Job, family, hopes, fears. We’ll upload the responses into the eyeball monitor. Just relax. You’re safe. This is safe. The Olive Garden is good.”

Female Voice: “Why is she eating the menu?”

Male Voice: “The menu is not food, Mrs. Clinton. People don’t eat the menu! Take the menu out of your mouth! Those are pictures of food, Mrs. Clinton. Pictures of food are not food. Okay, put the menu down. Go into your laughter protocol. Very nice.”

Second Female Voice: “Make a note that some of the fast-casual restaurant programming needs to be recoded. This is going to come back again and again in Iowa and New Hampshire.”

Male Voice: “You’re doing very well, Mrs. Clinton. But try not to move your lips when other people are talking to you. Just nod and follow the listening protocol.”

Female Voice: “Okay, this is working now.”

Second Female Voice: “She’s really connecting to those voters. Are we getting this on tape?”

Female Voice: “We’re going to use all of this! Really great!”

Male Voice: “You’re doing great, Mrs. Clinton! Just wonderful. Okay, now when you’re ready you can wrap up your remarks. Whenever you’re ready, just slowly stop talking and look at everyone around you using your smiling tools. Okay? Nice. Nice.”

Female Voice: “What is she doing? Why is her hand out?”

Male Voice: “No, Mrs. Clinton! Hand down! These people do not have to pay you when you speak to them! No! Hand down!”

Second Female Voice: “Okay, let’s wrap this up and hit the road.”

END EXTRACT

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