Magazine May 18, 2015, Issue

The More You Know

News Brief: Kraft Foods, after a prolonged campaign by a “healthy food” blogger, announced it would remove the chemicals that give mac & cheese its distinctive hue.

For a long time I’ve been nervous about peanuts. I’d eat some, and then six months later I’d have a cold. Like clockwork! I try to detox every fortnight with a diet of nothing but filtered water and celery suppositories — my gracious, they’re long things — but still I felt like I was full of peanut chemicals. I even went to the doctor a week ahead of my monthly checkup and asked if she found any chemicals in my bloodstream. She hesitated for a moment before saying, Well, yes. There’s iron, for starters.

Iron? Like the metal? When I got home I looked up iron on the Internet and found it was not only connected with certain components in nuclear weapons but can also be fatal if ingested, especially in sword form. A lot of people blame “sword-form iron” for blood loss and concussions — well, their surviving relatives blame it — and European legislators have proposed banning iron in “chunk form” from soft cheeses and various relishes. Which reminds me — have you seen how green American relish is? Doesn’t that make you wonder? Are they using a green-intensifying agent, like chromalycanolide, which I think was used to enhance old Technicolor movies, like that one shot in the desert near an atomic test where everyone later got cancer? John Wayne too.

Anyway relish probably causes low-level fatigue and a mild, constant form of paranoia, which is what I usually feel. But it can’t be from pickles because I cut them out of my diet years ago.

Actually I just cut out hot dogs. Actually I cut out tofu hot dogs, because research suggests that it’s not the content of hot dogs that makes them so deadly but the shape. The body is not meant to absorb cylindrical shapes. It’s unnatural. Nature is round and perfect. Nature sometimes makes a nice oval, like an egg, but modern eggs come from factory farms where chickens are injected with a poisonous substance called Poison — I think it’s a trade name — to make the birds die so that they don’t have to spend money on killing machines. It’s true. I saw a video about it on the Internet intercut with pictures from Auschwitz, and your heart just broke. All those dead chickens. Also, what were they feeding them at Auschwitz? Those people looked terrible. Anyway eggs are bad unless they’re local and the vendor brought them to a market on a bike, not a truck or anything that releases Xhaustohydrates or causes asthma in my cats. I would do anything for my cats.

Anyway cylinders are what’s bad for you. But, you say, aren’t cucumbers natural, and aren’t they cylinders? Cucumbers are turned into relish. I know, I know: MIND BLOWN, but there it is, the connection Monsanto doesn’t want you to see or their whole billion-dollar death scheme would go down the tubes. Also I think most of the preservatives they put into pickle relish are so deadly they cause lab mice in cancer. That’s right. Cancer just grows a lab mouse inside it.

One of the things I don’t eat is sugar of course because sugar makes you hyper and run on and on and on and sound like some crazy person obsessed with an issue no one else knows enough about because they’re blinded by corporate advertising and maybe get Monsanto money possibly through a check I don’t know but my neighbor drives a nice car and I know they eat Lucky Charms because I saw his wife buy it and I said something and we don’t talk now except when my cat gets out and it’s 3 a.m. and I’m in the neighbor’s backyard, on all fours, like a cat would be? To get her to come back? You know? But sugar is in everything. It’s in SALT. I swear it’s in salt and you know salt is a chemical that ends in -ide and what else ends in -ide? Right right suicide. And that’s been linked to –

Sorry, sorry, I was talking about peanuts! That’s what got me started! Sorry, I just have so much energy on this new diet, it’s wonderful, it’s like living inside a fireworks display without any of the gunpowder vapor — you know, that falls on rice paddies in China and has decreased their fertility 95 percent? Anyway peanuts, like I said I got a cold within six months of eating these peanuts. It was at my friend’s house — well, we used to be friends — and I asked if they were organic, and she said if you mean did they come out of the ground and were they once an organism, yeah, they’re organic. They were so tasty! I thought it was that natural salt they use, the one they get by distilling and reducing the sweat of Native Americans. But then six months later I get this cold, and I start to wonder.

Turns out the kind of peanut was “GoldenRoast.” Studies have linked gold to wars and economic fluctuations!!! Anyway I’m off gold now for good, which reminds me. Did you see where FoodBabe, that AMAZING woman on the Internet who blogs about how all the chemicals in things are making our kids rashy and sick — she got Kraft to change the food coloring in mac & cheese so it’s slightly less yellowy! All by raising awareness about chemicals and making people like me send them a letter every day asking why they poison kids!

Isn’t science wonderful?

– Mr. Lileks blogs at www.lileks.com.

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