Magazine | May 18, 2015, Issue

Pool Report

March 22, 2017



06:30 President Jenner enters the White House gym for her usual calisthenics ritual. Your pool reporter witnessed a strenuous treadmill workout followed by a set of kettlebell swings. President Jenner wrapped up her workout with two sets of Kegel exercises. She reported being slightly sore.

08:00 Call with National Rifle Association president Wayne LaPierre about fighting pending legislation in several states that would limit or curtail the sale of firearms. President Jenner pledged her total support.

08:15 Coffee and national-security briefing with NSC staff and National Intelligence advisers. Vice President Cruz in attendance. President Jenner asked for a more detailed assessment of threats against domestic targets. Vice President Cruz was mostly silent and was observed doodling angrily.

09:30 Photo opportunity with EMILY’s List leaders. Pool reporter witnessed some awkward and uncomfortable moments as EMILY’s List leaders referred to President Brianna Jenner as the “first almost totally female president of the United States.” Pool reporter was rebuffed by Representative Nancy Pelosi when asking her about the weirdness of the first male-to-female transgender president being a Republican. “What’s weird,” she said, “is that the failed policies of the past are now back. It’s Ronald Reagan in drag.”

10:00 Meeting with Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus about next year’s midterm elections. Priebus thanked President Jenner for her “tireless efforts” in fundraising and noted her soaring popularity with female voters.

10:45 Signing ceremony for the 2017 Tax Reduction and Elimination Act. During photo op, President Jenner reminded her advisers that she won the 2016 presidential election primarily on an economic and “opportunity” platform and demanded that they “move quickly to undo the stifling regulatory state implemented by my predecessor.”

12:30 Slow-carb lunch with Representative Paul Ryan followed by light afternoon workout. During press availability, President Jenner strongly pushed back against criticisms that her recent crushing victory in the Republican Women’s Annual Golf Tournament was somehow unfair.

14:30 President Jenner meets with Pentagon officials to push for a faster military buildup. No photo op.

15:00 President Jenner meets with energy officials, executives, and entrepreneurs as they celebrate the rapid construction of the Keystone XL pipeline. No press avail.

15:45 Formal signing ceremony with chief of staff Mitt Romney and Vice President Cruz. President Brianna Jenner signed the executive order formally pardoning former secretary of state Hillary Clinton for her conviction for accounting fraud, fundraising illegalities, influence peddling, racketeering, tax evasion, evidence tampering, and violations of the Trading with the Enemy Act. “It’s not easy being a woman in politics,” the president said as she signed the pardon.

16:15 Hospital visit with ABC News personality Diane Sawyer. Photo op with Sawyer and her neurological team. Sawyer has been in what doctors described as an “irreversible coma” following a massive aneurysm the night of the landslide victory of President Jenner in November 2016. President Jenner noted that she seems more animated than ever and, despite assurances that Sawyer can’t hear anything, told her immobile body that she was pushing through with her campaign promises of a flat tax, rapid military buildup, the total dismantling of Obamacare, and the abolition of the Department of Education. Doctors reported strange brain activity following the visit consistent with another aneurysm.

17:30 Photo session with Vanity Fair photographer Annie Leibovitz for an upcoming Vanity Fair cover. President Jenner was given a selection of outfits to try on, and ended up choosing an Alexander Wang evening sheath in size 24. While the outfit was being tailored and adjusted to President Jenner’s specific requirements — pool reporter has no confirmed details on what those adjustments were or where they were required on the garment — the president was directed to hair and makeup before the shoot could begin.

19:30 After two hours of hair and makeup — and what White House sources described to the pool reporter as a “hot-towel shave” — President Jenner was photographed in three separate outfits: the Alexander Wang sheath, a simple pantsuit, and weekend gardening-type blue jeans with a bright gingham shirt. Sources tell pool reporter that President Jenner refused to wear a replica of the running shorts she wore when she won the men’s decathlon gold medal at the 1976 Summer Olympics in Montreal.

20:30 State dinner. President Jenner escorted to the dinner by California governor Gary Sinise.

23:00 President Jenner watches the tearful apology of Representative Nancy Pelosi on CNN for her “insensitive and hateful remarks toward transgender Americans” at the earlier EMILY’s List event, and her use of “drag” as a pejorative. She calls the congresswoman and accepts her apology while at the same time asking for her vote next week on the Social Security Privatization Act of 2017.

23:30 The president retires for the evening after applying an all-night moisturizing masque.

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