Magazine | June 22, 2015, Issue

Pool Report: White House Press Corps

March 22, 2017

0430: President Sanders wakes and wanders around the residence in his underwear asking why young people are so rude these days. He is guided back to his bedroom by White House domestic staff.

0545: President Sanders receives his first briefing of the day. He is informed about who is taking him to his doctor’s appointment later this week, when tomato soup will return to the White House Mess lunchtime menu, the person’s name from that show that was on that one time, and if anyone else is itchy.

0830: National Security Briefing. President receives the daily security update.

0831: Daily Speaking Bitterness Session. President Sanders sits impassively as members of his cabinet denounce him for his reactionary and regressive politics since taking office. The session is cut short by Secret Service personnel when Interior Secretary William Ayers begins draping a “Tool of the Over Class” sign around the president and slapping him about the face and neck. (Note: Pool reporter not present.)

0900: President Sanders and Vice President Elizabeth Warren sign the Investment Banking Nationalization Act of 2017 in the Rose Garden, accompanied by the chairman of Goldman Sachs and one of the architects of the act, Lloyd Blankfein. Mr. Blankfein made remarks in strong support of the act, which essentially nationalizes all American investment-banking operations except for those of the GS Holding Companies LLC (Grand Cayman)–affiliated financial institutions.

0920: Secretary of State the Reverend Al Sharpton arrives in the Rose Garden for the signing ceremony.

1000: President Sanders prepares for lunch by taking Lactaid™.

1040: Informal Lunch with President Sanders, Vice President Warren, and the newly appointed chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Mr. Edward Snowden. The three discussed ways in which the national-security and military apparatus of the United States can be “Canadianized.” Press availability later this week.

1200: President Sanders meets with members of his cabinet, including White House chief of staff Rachel Maddow, to review key milestones in the “100 Days” agenda. General sense among all members of the administration that the key items have been accomplished or are well on their way. Marginal tax rates are being readjusted to 65–90 percent in FY2018, the U.S. military is being reorganized under the Coast Guard, and single-payer health care is currently on track to becoming no-payer health care. The cabinet celebrates with a song and a short period of silent reflection.

1223: Secretary of State the Reverend Al Sharpton arrives for the cabinet meeting.

1405: President Sanders receives his midday briefing. He is informed about who is taking him to his doctor’s appointment later this week, when tomato soup will return to the White House Mess lunchtime menu, the person’s name from that show that was on that one time, and if anyone else is itchy.

1445: President Sanders sits in conversation with the inanimate body of Fidel Castro. Pool reporter has no information on what was discussed, but both seemed to be absorbed in quiet and thoughtful meditation. It was the first such meeting between the Cuban leader and an American president on record. Photo attached. Please credit pool photographer. please note: President Sanders is on the left of the photograph.

1505: President Sanders and Attorney General Eric Holder meet with legal representatives of former secretary of state Hillary Rodham Clinton to discuss a possible presidential pardon for her conviction for accounting fraud, fundraising illegalities, influence peddling, racketeering, tax evasion, evidence tampering, and violations of the Trading with the Enemy Act. President Sanders gives no indication of his thinking on this matter. Statement to follow.

1545: President Sanders changes his sandals. Still photos available.

1600: President Sanders prepares for dinner by taking Lactaid™.

1630: Formal State Dinner. Ben & Jerry’s “Karamel Sutra” is served. Guests include various general managers of public television stations across the country. A toast is made by the guest of honor, U.N. secretary general the Honorable Daniel Ortega. Several guests need to be helped up from their beanbag cushions during the final sing-along. Pool reporter has audio.

1710: Secretary of State the Reverend Al Sharpton arrives at the State Dinner.

1840: President Sanders thanks his dinner guests and reminds them of the lateness of the hour. Some of the Latin American guests are under the impression that this is a witticism until the president removes a Soft-Pick from his pocket and begins cleaning his teeth and gums. The party breaks up soon after.

2045: President Sanders receives his final briefing of the day. He is informed about who is taking him to his doctor’s appointment later this week, when tomato soup will return to the White House Mess lunchtime menu, the person’s name from that show that was on that one time, and if anyone else is itchy.

2055: President Sanders falls asleep.

2059: President Sanders wakes, asks why there is so much noise outside.

2103: President Sanders falls asleep.

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