Magazine | June 22, 2015, Issue

Pool Report: White House Press Corps

March 22, 2017

0430: President Sanders wakes and wanders around the residence in his underwear asking why young people are so rude these days. He is guided back to his bedroom by White House domestic staff.

0545: President Sanders receives his first briefing of the day. He is informed about who is taking him to his doctor’s appointment later this week, when tomato soup will return to the White House Mess lunchtime menu, the person’s name from that show that was on that one time, and if anyone else is itchy.

0830: National Security Briefing. President receives the daily security update.

0831: Daily Speaking Bitterness Session. President Sanders sits impassively as members of his cabinet denounce him for his reactionary and regressive politics since taking office. The session is cut short by Secret Service personnel when Interior Secretary William Ayers begins draping a “Tool of the Over Class” sign around the president and slapping him about the face and neck. (Note: Pool reporter not present.)

0900: President Sanders and Vice President Elizabeth Warren sign the Investment Banking Nationalization Act of 2017 in the Rose Garden, accompanied by the chairman of Goldman Sachs and one of the architects of the act, Lloyd Blankfein. Mr. Blankfein made remarks in strong support of the act, which essentially nationalizes all American investment-banking operations except for those of the GS Holding Companies LLC (Grand Cayman)–affiliated financial institutions.

0920: Secretary of State the Reverend Al Sharpton arrives in the Rose Garden for the signing ceremony.

1000: President Sanders prepares for lunch by taking Lactaid™.

1040: Informal Lunch with President Sanders, Vice President Warren, and the newly appointed chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Mr. Edward Snowden. The three discussed ways in which the national-security and military apparatus of the United States can be “Canadianized.” Press availability later this week.

1200: President Sanders meets with members of his cabinet, including White House chief of staff Rachel Maddow, to review key milestones in the “100 Days” agenda. General sense among all members of the administration that the key items have been accomplished or are well on their way. Marginal tax rates are being readjusted to 65–90 percent in FY2018, the U.S. military is being reorganized under the Coast Guard, and single-payer health care is currently on track to becoming no-payer health care. The cabinet celebrates with a song and a short period of silent reflection.

1223: Secretary of State the Reverend Al Sharpton arrives for the cabinet meeting.

1405: President Sanders receives his midday briefing. He is informed about who is taking him to his doctor’s appointment later this week, when tomato soup will return to the White House Mess lunchtime menu, the person’s name from that show that was on that one time, and if anyone else is itchy.

1445: President Sanders sits in conversation with the inanimate body of Fidel Castro. Pool reporter has no information on what was discussed, but both seemed to be absorbed in quiet and thoughtful meditation. It was the first such meeting between the Cuban leader and an American president on record. Photo attached. Please credit pool photographer. please note: President Sanders is on the left of the photograph.

1505: President Sanders and Attorney General Eric Holder meet with legal representatives of former secretary of state Hillary Rodham Clinton to discuss a possible presidential pardon for her conviction for accounting fraud, fundraising illegalities, influence peddling, racketeering, tax evasion, evidence tampering, and violations of the Trading with the Enemy Act. President Sanders gives no indication of his thinking on this matter. Statement to follow.

1545: President Sanders changes his sandals. Still photos available.

1600: President Sanders prepares for dinner by taking Lactaid™.

1630: Formal State Dinner. Ben & Jerry’s “Karamel Sutra” is served. Guests include various general managers of public television stations across the country. A toast is made by the guest of honor, U.N. secretary general the Honorable Daniel Ortega. Several guests need to be helped up from their beanbag cushions during the final sing-along. Pool reporter has audio.

1710: Secretary of State the Reverend Al Sharpton arrives at the State Dinner.

1840: President Sanders thanks his dinner guests and reminds them of the lateness of the hour. Some of the Latin American guests are under the impression that this is a witticism until the president removes a Soft-Pick from his pocket and begins cleaning his teeth and gums. The party breaks up soon after.

2045: President Sanders receives his final briefing of the day. He is informed about who is taking him to his doctor’s appointment later this week, when tomato soup will return to the White House Mess lunchtime menu, the person’s name from that show that was on that one time, and if anyone else is itchy.

2055: President Sanders falls asleep.

2059: President Sanders wakes, asks why there is so much noise outside.

2103: President Sanders falls asleep.

In This Issue

Articles

Politics & Policy

Work-Visa Wisdom

To understand the future of the immigration debate, one must first understand the H-1B visa program. Though not very well known among ordinary Americans, the program, first established in 1990, ...

Features

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Indefensible Defense

Continual warfare in the Middle East, a nuclear Iran, electromagnetic-pulse weapons, emerging pathogens, and terrorism involving weapons of mass destruction variously threaten the United States, some with catastrophe on a ...

Books, Arts & Manners

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A Rousing Return

There are few stranger curricula vitae in the movie business than the one compiled by the Australian director George Miller. In the late Seventies and Eighties, he was the auteur ...

Sections

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The Week

‐ The Clintons have created a shell corporation that exists solely to advance their interests and shield them from accountability. It’s called the Democratic party. ‐ Fox News, which will host ...
Athwart

Tax Tech

You’ve heard the promise of nanotechnology: Soon tiny machines will repair organs, fight disease, swarm into enemy facilities to disable electronic devices, or even build self-replicating machines on Mars to ...
Politics & Policy

Poetry

THURBER’S VETERANS They brooded on the porches of Columbus Forty years after ’61, when they went South, crossed the Ohio, battled the rebels And returned. By 1900 there were Still dozens of them left in ...
Politics & Policy

Letters

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PC Culture

Hate-Crime Hoaxes Reflect America’s Sickness

On January 29, tabloid news site TMZ broke the shocking story that Jussie Smollett, a gay black entertainer and progressive activist, had been viciously attacked in Chicago. Two racist white men had fractured his rib, poured bleach on him, and tied a noose around his neck. As they were leaving, they shouted ... Read More
World

Ilhan Omar’s Big Lie

In a viral exchange at a congressional hearing last week, the new congresswoman from Minnesota, Ilhan Omar, who is quickly establishing herself as the most reprehensible member of the House Democratic freshman class despite stiff competition, launched into Elliott Abrams. She accused the former Reagan official ... Read More
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Questions for Those Who Believed Jussie Smollett

The “we reported the Jussie Smollett case responsibly” contention has been blasted to smithereens. Twitter accounts and headlines in the Washington Post, the New York Times, and the Los Angeles Times reported as fact Jussie Smollett’s wildly implausible allegations, and many other journalists did so as ... Read More
PC Culture

Fake Newspeople

This week, the story of the Jussie Smollett hoax gripped the national media. The story, for those who missed it, went something like this: The Empire actor, who is both black and gay, stated that on a freezing January night in Chicago, in the middle of the polar vortex, he went to a local Subway store to buy a ... Read More
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To understand how far left (and how quickly) the Democratic party has moved, let’s cycle back a very short 20 years. If 1998 Bill Clinton ran in the Democratic primary today, he’d be instantaneously labeled a far-right bigot. His support for the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, the Defense of Marriage Act, ... Read More