Magazine | July 20, 2015, Issue

Transcript from the Al Jazeera Political Talk Show The Al-Irshad Group

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Host Al-Irshad: “Issue One! Allah created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Faisal! On Friday, an extraordinary ruling by the United States Supreme Court, called ‘SCOTUS’ by those in the Jew-owned media, made homosexual marriage mandatory throughout the 53 states. Question: What does this say about our implacable foe, the United States, and what does it mean for the future of the Islamic Caliphate, I ask you, political consultant Salil Faqtb.”

Political Consultant Salil Faqtb: “This is an absurd question. You are quite possibly more degenerate and homosexual than the American Supreme Court. Our enemies have always been prancing ladyboys in theatrical makeup and cowboy costumes and now they have been revealed to the world to be precisely that. We shall smash them all the more easily and their women will be grateful to find themselves within our households living among the livestock as is the custom.”

Al-Irshad: “So you find yourself on the side of presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee?”

Salil Faqtb: “He is a monstrous decadent libertine. Say that once more and I shall slice you open like an old Jew’s purse.”

Syndicated Columnist Qu’Turush: “Can I inject some rationality here? The Kennedy opinion — which I admit was overly emotional and rambling at times — did illuminate a key idea, which is the human and pre-constitutional right to marriage, which thus supersedes the right of the states to make laws — ”

Salil Faqtb: “Silence! Silence, you son of a poxied whore! Speak your blasphemies elsewhere or taste the sting of my squiggly knife!”

Qu’Turush: “Can I finish? Will you let me finish?”

Salil Faqtb: “And what next? Should they allow anything? Is polygamy now legal?”

Qu’Turush: “Um, sure. It’s legal here, right?”

Salil Faqtb: “Die, you ignorant dog!”

Qu’Turush: “I merely mean that if a homosexual — and I assume he’s Jewish — if a homosexual Jew wishes to marry several other degenerate homosexual Jews, why is that the business of the state, so long as he treats each equally with the equivalent amount of jewelry and gifts and items of property and value and in accordance with Sura 4:3 — ”

Salil Faqtb: “I am preparing a pyre upon which to set you alight.”

Al-Irshad: “Exit question: Gay marriage now enjoys zero percent approval in recent polls of the region. And yet gay rights, broadly defined, enjoy a whopping 3 percent approval in the same poll. Does this suggest that gay rights and gay marriage are on the march here in our region, I ask you Ba’ath strategist Ali Ba’Nasri.”

Ba’ath Strategist Ali Ba’Nasri: “Look, when you break down that poll into demos — ”

Salil Faqtb: “I shall break you down into — ”

Ali Ba’Nasri:“When you look at the numbers — and I looked at them, okay, Salil? That’s my job, okay? That’s what I do for a living. I look at trends and movements within our community and I try to see where this all is going, and it’s clear to me that younger people are a lot more okay with the idea of gay people and gay marriage than their parents.”

Salil Faqtb: “Those young people should be crushed under boulders.”

Ali Ba’Nasri:“If you look at the trend lines, it’s pretty clear that, say, young Palestinians are on a path to total acceptance of gay marriage. Right now, 1 percent of them believe gay people should be executed as quickly as possible, which is down from a year ago, and only 16 percent believe in public beheadings. Compare that to, say, Jews, and you can see the difference. Jews are still up in the high nineties in the ‘willingness to set on fire’ and ‘reasons to acquire a nuclear weapon’ categories. So that’s a major victory for the gay-rights movement. If present trends continue, our region will have legal gay marriage by the year 2018.”

Al-Irshad: “Wait. What?”

Ali Ba’Nasri:“The Islamic year 2018. In, like, 600 years or so. I guess I should have made that clear.”

Al-Irshad: “Exit question: Is this a political boon or a political bomb for presidential hopefuls entering the election season this autumn? Qu’Turush?”

Qu’Turush: “This is a good opportunity for moderates like Jeb Bush and — so far — Marco Rubio to distinguish themselves from their more far-right competitors.”

Salil Faqtb: “You are unmarried, are you not, Qu’Turush? Unusual for a man your age.”

Qu’Turush: “My private life is private, sir.”

Salil Faqtb: “Quite, quite. Still. Curious. Curious. The man — and I use that term advisedly — who calls so passionately and joyfully for the union of two boys draws the attraction of my scimitar’s blade.”

Qu’Turush: “Put down your squiggly knife!”

Ali Ba’Nasri:“Can we get back to the actual question? For one second? The winner here, Al-Irshad, is Ted Cruz. Now, he’s way too liberal for us, but for the American electorate he might be just right.”

Qu’Turush: “I agree with that.”

Salil Faqtb: “Me too.”

Al-Irshad: “That is correct! Bye-bye!”

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