Magazine | October 5, 2015, Issue

Europe on Ten Euros a Day! The ISIS Guide!

The complete guide to Europe’s capitals of food, fashion, and fun!

Now that you’re in Europe for a while, I’m sure you’re thinking: Hey, what the heck do I do now? Well, ISIS Guides is here to help. Grab this guide, get out of your tent city, and see the sights of Old Europe — before it becomes the New Europe!

While you’re waiting to be activated, why not take advantage of your proximity to some of Europe’s most interesting and historic sites? See them all before your mission to reduce them all to rubble is set into motion!

Ready? Set? Let’s Go!

Berlin:

Berlin truly is one of Europe’s most refined and stately capitals. A world center for art, music, architecture, and the avant-garde, you can get lost in Berlin’s elegant gardens, its galleries, and even its (shhhhh!) biergartens — you might as well take a look at what all the fuss is about! Before you make the locals say auf weidersehen to their heads, a sip of the local hefeweizen won’t kill you, and it just may disarm the locals enough that they won’t notice you setting their wives on fire! Berliners love their techno music and their underground club scene, but getting in is not easy — make sure you show up wearing as much black as possible — so, basically, come dressed as one of your wives — and try not to appear to be enjoying yourself. In other words, you’ll feel right at home!

Paris:

 Ah, Paris! The City of Light! Your time here will probably be spent in the dreary banlieus, the out-of-town suburbs where most “refugees” will be housed, but that doesn’t mean you can’t grab your RER card and head into Paris Center for a café crème at the world famous Café de Flore, where noted Jewish homosexual intellectuals gathered to speak blasphemies against You Know Whom and where the fashionable set still gather for (some say overpriced) coffee and pastries and upscale talk. Stroll the septieme arrondissment and marvel at the sheer number of museums, academies, and places of learning that will have to be destroyed! And don’t forget to engage in that most Parisian of all activities: sitting with an afternoon coffee and watching the people walk by, almost all of whom will have to be beheaded or hanged publicly when the Caliphate is declared.

Amsterdam:

Amsterdam! The city of canals! Wooden shoes! Windmills! The Dutch are famous for their cheese and their Old Master paintings — many of which are displayed in the newly remodeled Rijksmuseum. Don’t miss a canal boat ride or a visit to the Anne Frank House, where the Myth of the Holocaust is perpetuated in a series of truly over-the-top and utterly preposterous lies told in diorama and video presentation. The Dutch are brilliant engineers — much of the country is below sea level — and a trip to the water’s edge is a must, to see the complicated earthworks and levees that keep the entire country from flooding. Destroying those works, of course, is what some of you “refugees” will be tasked with, as the Dutch are also famous for their tolerance.

Don’t be an Ugly Jidahist!

Here are some simple ways to make your time as a “refugee” more enjoyable and make sure you get the most out it:

1. Learn to say danke and merci like a local. A little politeness goes a long way. Sure, you’re there to destroy the degenerate and immoral trappings of a Satanic civilization and impose the merciless rule of the Divine Caliphate, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it with a smile! When snatching the girl children away from their families to marry off to elderly Afghans or rounding up the boy children for religious indoctrination, remember that you’re a guest in this country.

2. When pacing around the monuments to their false and grotesquely perverted religion in order to get the proportions right for the eventual demolition needs, remember that for many people in the area, this is a livelihood. The snack vendors and the ice-cream salesmen and the postcard guys are going to be out of work soon — who’s going to want to visit a pile of rubble where the Notre Dame Cathedral once was, right? — so be nice. A smile and a wave really can be the best ambassador.

3. Try not to set anyone on fire before you’re officially activated and your mission is given the “go code” from ISIS HQ. It’s just a courtesy to your host country.

4. Enjoy the local food! (Halal only!)

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