Magazine November 2, 2015, Issue

Memorandum: CONFIDENTIAL

TO: POTUS

FROM: MEDIA TEAM

SUBJ: MANHOOD

We’ve digested and analyzed the focus-group results from our weekend surveys, and have compiled those along with the results of our snap cellphone poll Sunday night. Taken together, these form a pretty accurate picture of where the American voter is right now.

The good news, sir, is that you continue to score well in all traditionally supportive groups. The “Obama Coalition” remains strong: Government Union Members (GUMs), Young Pre-Voting-Age Americans (Preevees), Millennials (Millies), Traditional Democrats (TradDems), Muslim Radicals (MusRads), Millionaire Feminists (MillFems), and University Employees (UnivEmps) remain firmly supportive of your policies and performance.

UnivEmps and MusRads are currently showing the steepest erosion, but much of that can be attributed to UnivEmps activities surrounding the start of the school year, which is traditionally a time when they focus on teaching new and returning students the newly approved language regulations, leaving less time to engage with current events. And MusRads had a higher-than-usual non-response rate to our pollsters, probably reflecting family preparations and general activities during the Al-Hijra/Muharram holidays, in addition to being preoccupied with planning spontaneous acts of violent domestic terrorism and demonstrations against anti-MusRad bigotry. When we take both numbers again at the end of the month, we should see you returning to your soaring popularity with both groups. As we’ve noted before, UnivEmps and MusRads form the cornerstones of our voter outreach.

What troubles us, though, is that, as is evident in the breakdown of the polling numbers — and confirmed by focus-group discussions — there seems to be a sense among some Obama Coalition voters that there is what we are calling a Manhood Deficit with regard to foreign affairs. TradDems used words like “Jimmy Carter” and “weak” and “prison b**ch” when asked to describe the relationship between POTUS and Russian Federation leader Vladimir Putin. In “Words That Come to Mind” questions within the TradDem cohort, for Vladimir Putin the word “powerful” scored multiple times. For “Barack Obama,” the highest-scoring pair word was “Caitlyn.”

Among MillFems, especially (and this is particularly odd, as this is not a usual concern of this cohort), there is a strong feeling that your current foreign stature has become “feminized, and we mean that in a bad way,” by its interactions with Russian Federation leader Vladimir Putin, who scores well in “Has Leadership Qualities” and “Would Be a Tough but Fair Dad” and “Wouldn’t Kick Him Out of Bed for Eating Triscuits” categories. (The last category registered only with voters who self-identified as “gay” or “gay-friendly.”)

The good news is that GUMs remain solidly supportive, at or above the 90th percentile. While this may seem like a drop in support — earlier surveys of Government Union Members tracked their support in the 110–145 percent range — it more accurately reflects our new system of independently surveying this group, checking the math carefully, and insisting on private and confidential interviews with polling subjects.

When focus groups in the GUM category were led through a series of issue-by-issue questions, their support became even more solid and unshakeable. At one point, a GUM focus group consisting mostly of older female SEIU members in leadership positions became enraged at what they interpreted as “negative” and “biased” and “racist” questions about your competence in negotiating the recent agreement with Iran and your engagements with Vladimir Putin, and six of the ladies present pinned the focus-group leader to the floor and forced him to swallow his own left hand. So GUM support remains firm.

Preevees and Millies also remain devoted and single-minded fans. Luckily, neither group has registered any awareness of events in Syria or Iran, or any familiarity with economic-growth stagnation, crime-rate increases, Vladimir Putin, or the world in general. Both groups associate you and your administration with the popular pop singer Beyoncé and are only dimly aware of the policy initiatives you have engaged in. As the Preevee category ages into voting eligibility, we expect their awareness to remain flat or even diminish, which is additional good news.

Aside from the Manhood Deficit enumerated above, your current standing remains strong, and your support among the Obama Coalition is solid. In addition, you have picked up significant support from a fast-growing group of voters, Trump Sympathizers (TrumpSymps), who, when polled on the specific issues, remain enthusiastic about your national health-care plan and your frequent use of non-constitutional federal authority. While we do not currently track TrumpSymps in our weekly surveys, as they continue to develop into a powerful and vocal group advocating progressive and TradDem policies, we will monitor them for signs of support.

Attached, please find the quantified results.

The Media Team

In This Issue

Articles

Politics & Policy

Boldly Go

A flurry of space movies has fluttered out of Hollywood over the past few years. Generally speaking, movies skew toward the trivial side of the news spectrum — but the ...

Features

Politics & Policy

Chairman Priebus

On a sunny Friday morning in January 2015, Reince Priebus stood inside the main ballroom of an elegant Southern California resort wearing a conqueror’s smile. The 42-year-old Wisconsinite, a placid-looking ...

Books, Arts & Manners

Politics & Policy

The iFranzen

The publication of a new Jonathan Franzen novel has a lot in common with the release of a new iPhone: Both early-autumn events are greeted with absurd amounts of anticipation, ...

Sections

Politics & Policy

Letters

Lord Kelvin, Out of Context? Robert Zubrin (“The Human Factor,” September 21) may well be right to deny that global warming poses a risk of catastrophic problems. Part of his case ...
Politics & Policy

The Week

‐ If Bernie Sanders is tired of hearing about Clinton scandals now, he should just wait till she’s president. ‐ Hillary Clinton came out against the TPP (Trans-Pacific Partnership), a trade ...
Athwart

New Lamps for Old

Next week’s shocking headline: Ben Carson Compares Bush-Era Energy Policy to Nazi Germany. How would that happen? Simple. Let’s back up a bit. A while ago I had an issue with ...
The Long View

Memorandum: CONFIDENTIAL

TO: POTUS FROM: MEDIA TEAM SUBJ: MANHOOD We’ve digested and analyzed the focus-group results from our weekend surveys, and have compiled those along with the results of our snap cellphone poll Sunday night. ...
Politics & Policy

Poetry

SLUMBERING ORION As first light gently pulls the dawn across the earth, Supine Orion readies his bed for the dream of day, and Slumbers within sight of the tranquil Pleiades Now cloaked by the ...
Happy Warrior

The Napier Doctrine

Some of you probably know the story, but too many people don’t. So I will repeat it here. General Charles Napier was the British commander-in-chief of colonial India. His most ...

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The Devil Wears Prada: CDC Edition

Fade In: The Runway Magazine team is busily trying to arrange things for the next fashion shoot. Miranda Priestly, the imperious and impatient and withering editor in chief, sorts through the various items from the racks of couture garments. The underlings stand by, terrified. Off to the side, Miranda’s ... Read More

The Devil Wears Prada: CDC Edition

Fade In: The Runway Magazine team is busily trying to arrange things for the next fashion shoot. Miranda Priestly, the imperious and impatient and withering editor in chief, sorts through the various items from the racks of couture garments. The underlings stand by, terrified. Off to the side, Miranda’s ... Read More
Culture

The Fragility of the Woke

A TikTok video that recently went viral on social media showed a recent Harvard graduate threatening to stab anyone who said “all lives matter.” In her melodrama, she tried to sound intimidating with her histrionics. She won a huge audience, as she intended. But her video also came to the attention of the ... Read More
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A TikTok video that recently went viral on social media showed a recent Harvard graduate threatening to stab anyone who said “all lives matter.” In her melodrama, she tried to sound intimidating with her histrionics. She won a huge audience, as she intended. But her video also came to the attention of the ... Read More
Elections

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Before Thursday morning I had not heard of Thomas Bosco, and I am willing to bet you haven’t heard of him either. He runs a café in Upper Manhattan. From the picture in the New York Times, the Indian Road Café is one of those Bobo-friendly brick-lined coffee shops with chalkboard menus affixed to the wall ... Read More
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A promise of economic nationalism, an expensive infrastructure bill that’s really a make-work program, prejudice against foreigners, denunciations of Wall Street — Joe Biden is running the 2016 Trump campaign against Donald Trump in 2020. Joe Biden gave a big economic speech in Pennsylvania yesterday, and ... Read More