FROM: Donald J. Trump, President and CEO of the United States of America
TO: [Name$tring, Lastname, Firstname, CitizenID#.date]
DATE: [Date$tring mm/dd/yyyy]
To the Taxpayer:
Many thanks for your recent vote selecting me to be the President of the United States, effective Friday, January 20, at 12:01 p.m. I think you’ll all agree that it was a spirited and passionate campaign. And though I must have struck some of you as “bombastic” and “ill prepared” (this I gather from my Twitter timeline), I assure you that now that the “fun” part is over, I am all business.
I am pleased to be able to make a conditional and contingent acceptance of your offer, following your acceptance of my counter-offer.
While it is indeed a “great honor,” as some have said, to “serve” in this office, it is not without its financial drawbacks. The current compensation package on offer for the position of “President of the United States” is U.S. $400,000, which I think we can agree is a significant reduction in the monies I have heretofore been awarded/been paid/received in my various capacities as television personality, steak entrepreneur, and real-estate licensee.
Clearly, at the current offered level of remuneration, I will be suffering a major financial loss. It would be counterintuitive for anyone at my level of compensation to accept less than he is accustomed to — in effect, to move down the ladder of prosperity — irrespective of my level of enthusiasm for the job on offer.
That is not to say a deal cannot be structured whereby I accept your offer of the Office of President of the United States and both parties walk away with a win-win attitude.
Allow me to make a counter-proposal:
1. The title of the position be reconfigured to “President and CEO of the United States of America,” and I continue in that capacity for the duration of the first four-year term, whereupon the position become “President, CEO, and Chairman of the United States of America” (italics mine).
2. All parties make a good-faith effort to repeal the 22nd Amendment to the United States Constitution, allowing me to assume the position of “Executive Chairman” for the duration of my natural life. (Please see Appendix R: “Definition of ‘Natural’ in Term ‘Natural Life’” for clarifications.)
3. The United States of America, as a brand, has suffered a major decline in terms of brand equity and brand crossover value. The next CEO will be tasked with improving the brand’s value and increasing its power in the marketplace. I think everyone agrees that this is in many ways my métier. Therefore, what I’m proposing as far as contingent compensation is the following royalty deal: In addition to the congressionally approved comp package, a 0.1% share (or “points”) in the delta (increase) in the GDP from 1/20/17 to 1/20/18, to be calculated by approved and normal GAAP methodology, and to be issued to me as a “performance bonus” on a year-on-year basis. In the fourth year, after four consecutive years of growth, a “super bonus” is triggered equal to 2x the previous years’ bonus.
4. In the unfortunate case where the GDP does not grow, the bonus is calculated based on one of two metrics (to be mutually agreed upon): either a price-per-head “bonus” on each illegal immigrant repatriated; constructed feet of a wall along our southern border, on a per-foot basis; and/or a simple pound-for-pound tribute in the style of the old-school Aga Khan, in which my weight as of 31 December is matched in precious metals to be determined later but restricted to gold, silver, and rare-earth compounds. (The irony of utilizing an ancient Islamic-inflected form of bonus delivery is not lost on me or my compensation consultants at Semler Brossy.)
5. Liquidated damages/upset price equal to one year’s bonus (previous year baseline) in the case of my contract’s being inexplicably un-renewed following the initial four-year term.
6. Use of office space, staff, and travel allowance following the natural end of the contract in a location substantially similar to the original office, and with all amenities provided on a continuation basis.
7. Any substantial capital and/or physical-plant improvements undertaken and completed during the initial or subsequent terms will remain co-branded in perpetuity. Any bridges, railways, warships of any battle class, space-exploration vehicles or stations, national parks, waterworks, federal highways, or discovered suns will be appended with “Trump’s™” trade dress and distinctive logo, e.g., “Trump’s™ USS Gerald R. Ford Supercarrier” or “Trump’s™ Interstate Route 71 Business Loop” or “Trump’s™ Galileo VII Radio Telescope.”
As you can see, these deal points merely serve to incentivize me to do the very best possible job. Please initial each item and sign the form below to execute this agreement.
Donald J. Trump
(dictated but not read)