What’s fake about @hillaryclinton’s laugh again? To me she seems warm and genuine. But then I never knew my mom and my dad never once hugged me. #leavehillaryalone #problemwithboundaries #raisedbystrangers
Disappointed to discover #netflix show #MakingAMurderer about someone else. #whatdoigottado #norespect #firinghillandknowlton
That feeling when your H-bomb doesn’t work. #nothatsnotaeuphemism #someoneisgoingtopay
.@disney @lucasfilm Wondering if the light saber that @kyloren uses in #theforceawakens is possibly a prototype for a real one and if so how much are we talking? Follow me back so we can DM. I AM A MOTIVATED BUYER @jjabrams @badrobot @bobiger
Any Tweeps out there know why @mileycyrus blocked me?? We were DM’ing and then suddenly I’m blocked. What up?? Was it the pic?
Lots about #ISIS I find interesting and inspiring but can’t get behind their treatment of women. Possible to dress both modest and sexy. May I respectfully suggest orange jumpsuits for the ladies? #worksforus #its2016fellas
Uber but for firing squads
Uncle Baek is not on Twitter so I can say this without worrying: if he doesn’t stop making that lip slurping noise when he eats his noodles I’m gonna go super old-school on him. I mean, like, Kim Il-sung gangsta style and I’m being real.
Hey! @realDonaldTrump! Don’t appreciate being called a “maniac” by a man I have always looked up to and admired. We’re both trying to deal with the establishment powers in our own way so how about #stopthehating and #takemyhand
Re previous Tweet: do not mean to imply that I wouldn’t want to live in the #trumptower! The guy has excellent taste. Restrained, subtle, classy. #brothersfromanothermother #lovethepalette #goldgoeswitheverything
Uber but for nuclear scientists
TBT to when Dad and I went swimming together that summer. And yes, we’re nude in the pic and no, I don’t know exactly which way I was facing and yes, the water was really cold. twitpic.3dds6t.com
I know he’s supposed to be “my candidate” in a lot of ways — socialism, from the ’50s, blah blah blah — but having a real hard time #feelingthebern. Weird coming from me, I know, but he’s just WAY WAY too liberal, amirite?
To the guys @twitter: how many family members does a guy have to execute before I get verified?? #needthebluecheck #ipromiseitsme
If you ever had any doubts about the US gov, Tweeps, the latest news from @usda re dietary guidelines should seal the deal: basically pro-Atkins after years of anti-Atkins #protein #nocarbs #foodpyramidisalie!
Anybody seen that GIF where the dog is wearing glasses and falling asleep? Cuz that’s me RN. #militarymeeting #boring #noonetoldmetherewouldbemath
Showed Uncle Baek some #blacklivesmatter posts on #tumblr and he was like, “Don’t all lives matter?” And I was just like, WHAT? YOU DON’T GET IT OLD MAN! I mean, seriously? It’s not me, right??
Disagree with him on some things — I’m not a fan of Kelo and think SocSec and Medicare need overhauls — but impressed with the way @realDonaldTrump stays frosty and on message. #wearebothmaniacsbro #masterclassinpolitics
Please note, Tweeps, previous Tweet NOT an endorsement of @realDonaldTrump. Think he’s raised some important issues but I remain #readyforhillary
Thinking maybe when I sent @mileycyrus this pic she decided to block me. You tell me, Tweeps: hot or not? TwitPic3d88h.com Warning: NSFW!!
Trying to talk to Uncle Baek about nuclear program and he doesn’t get the timing problem. Have only 12 months to get one up and running until next POTUS is in there and we’re not going to have this opportunity again. Me: Right, Uncle? Uncle Baek: slurp slurp slurp. SO ANGRY
Spent the afternoon watching physics videos from @khanacademy on @youtube. Not too cheerful about our ability to get a warhead into the air, in the right direction, to MERV at the right time, and the rest. #whydoesthishappentome? #runningoutofunclestokill
Not sure if you’re following me back, @hillaryclinton, but sending good vibes and thoughts to you. Have you considered taking all the FBI investigators on what you tell them is a “fun boat outing” and then putting them all in a giant net and dragging it behind you? #workedforme #tryingtohelp #readyforhillary
Totally insane afternoon spent trying to talk #ISIS into going in halvsies on some nuclear scientists. I was all like, we could kidnap some, we could hire some, and they’re all, tie them in a sack and toss them from the minaret. 1/3
And I’m like, guys? Hello? How is that helpful? We NEED scientists to build the bombs. And they just look at me like I’m eating a pork dumpling in front of them . . . 2/3
Which I was, because it was between lunch and dinner and I get very snacky but still, can we just put the religious stuff on hold for two seconds and figure this H-bomb stuff out? Frustrating. 3/3
That feeling when you’ve had your uncle eaten by wild hogs and now you’re missing your uncle. #regretsIvehadafew #priceofleadership #cantwin