Magazine | March 14, 2016, Issue

United States District Court

For the Central District of California



This matter is before the Court pursuant to an application pursuant to the All Writs Act, 28 U.S.C. Sec. 1651, by JANE ROE ET AL. requesting an order directing Apple Inc. (“Apple”) to assist law-enforcement agents’ and plaintiffs’ discovery actions in enabling the search of a digital device seized in the course of a physical confrontation on Valentine’s Day 2017 between JOHN DOE and JANE ROE #1 when JANE ROE #2 arrived at the location unexpectedly, which then led to the revelation of the existence of JANE ROE #3, who arrived in person and then texted JANE ROEs 4–6, who then discovered the existence of JANE ROEs 7–27, which led to the physical altercations between JOHN DOE and JANE ROEs 1–27 during which JOHN DOE suffered blows to the head, neck, and face, rendering him into an unconscious state in which he currently remains.

The cascade of events occurred at a local Olive Garden restaurant, continued into the parking lot, and finally terminated in the dumpster behind the restaurant.

JANE ROEs 1–27 have petitioned the court for the right to investigate the contents of JOHN DOE’s iPhone smartphone device, which they insist contains “photographic materials, telephone text messages, WhatsApp exchanges, Kik communications, numerous Snapchat updates, and various other means of connecting with and exchanging information between JOHN DOE and the various JANE ROEs to whom he claimed an exclusive and monogamous romantic relationship.”

For good cause shown, IT IS HEREBY ORDERED that:

1. Apple shall assist in enabling the search of a cellular telephone iPhone Model 6s, which was in the possession of JOHN DOE during the altercation and events previously described, and which flew out of his hands as he attempted to flee the angry pursuit of JANE ROEs 1–13 and suddenly found himself confronted by JANE ROEs 14–25 around the corner. He then attempted to reason with JANE ROE #26, exclaiming that “it was always just you and me, baby, you’re my only one, and I literally have no idea what these other women are talking about, they’re crazy, baby, you’ve got to believe me, I never once talked to these women and I have no idea what they’re talking about, I’m really scared, baby, you gotta help me, these women are seriously deranged,” at which point JANE ROE #26 stepped aside and allowed JANE ROE #27 to land a blow on his head. (Litigation re: blow is pending.)

2. Apple’s assistance shall accomplish the following five important functions: (1) It will bypass the auto-erase function that the owner, JOHN DOE, almost certainly installed on his phone due to his nature and disposition as a low-down, lying, womanizing dog who deserves to rot. (Language adapted from earlier civil complaint.) (2) It will enable both law enforcement and plaintiffs’ counsel to thoroughly investigate all of the social and communication and photography data on the phone and its cloud-connected applications in order to determine the proper and accurate timeline of JOHN DOE’s two-timing lies and unacceptable frat-boy-ish behavior. (3) It will finally create an accurate and indisputable chart revealing who, in fact, among JANE ROEs 1–27 is appropriately referred to as “John Doe’s girlfriend” and who are the tramps who were just on the side.  (4) It will also reveal which tramps (see item (3)) were fully cognizant of the other JANE ROEs and are really asking for it. (5) It will unearth any other lingering JANE ROEs who may be a party to this complaint.

3. Although Apple may make reasonable efforts to maintain the integrity of the data on the device, Apple may not be required to make copies of any data recovered. All data becomes the property of JANE ROEs 1–27 and any subsequent law-enforcement officials.

4. To the extent that Apple believes that compliance with this Order would be unreasonably burdensome, it may make an application in person to JANE ROEs 1–27, all 27 of them, in a room, alone, without security personnel or any guarantee of personal safety. Apple is free to make as many high-minded arguments as it likes, but it should be mindful that JANE ROE #1 all the way to JANE ROE #27 are highly motivated petitioners and are fully committed to getting into that iPhone. Attached is a photograph of JOHN DOE, in a coma, for possible reference.

DATED: FEB 20 2017


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