Magazine | June 13, 2016, Issue

Memorandum

TO: HRC

FROM: D. BROCK

IN RE: DEBATE STRATEGIES,

PSYOPS

Dear H:

I don’t need to tell you how ugly and nasty this campaign is going to be. Your opponent has already dragged the discourse down to an almost unbelievably gutter level. But let’s face facts: It’s all going to come down to the debates, and in that setting, you must be prepared to do what it takes.

To that end, the team and I have put together some key “psychological operations,” or “PSYOPS,” that we’ll be developing over the coming weeks. None of these, obviously, are set in stone, but it’s a good snapshot of where we are with our thinking. As always, we remain at the ready to do whatever your bidding or desires might require.

Vulnerabilities

Your opponent has four key areas of weakness, and we recommend exploiting them as follows:

1. Insecurities

Your opponent has deep-seated insecurity issues surrounding his relationship with his parents and his trouble getting the approval of his father. We are working on a version of a technology that’s currently in use on the social-media application Snapchat, called a “face swap,” which allows the user to “swap” a face with another person. We’re trying now to develop a “face projection” version, which would allow us to “project” a holographic image of Fred Trump onto your face during the debates, which would enable you to “speak” directly to your opponent as if you were his father. “I am very disappointed in you, Donald,” said in a growling lower-register voice (something we know you can do very well!), would have a devastating psychological effect on your opponent.

2. Huma vs. Melania

Without a doubt, Huma is the more attractive and “classy” companion/aide-de-camp. Your opponent no doubt senses this, and his competitiveness will be intense and will lead him to make mistakes during the debates. We suggest making sure these two are seated close together, and during the opening pleasantries when the two of you walk onstage, that you whisper to your opponent something like, “Gee, it’s nice to see your mom here!”

3. Needle-tipped Shoes

We also recommend installing small retractable needles — barely visible to the naked eye; utterly undetectable under camera lights — in the toes of both of your shoes. A small, quick kick to the shins or calf, during breaks or introductions, could inject a powerful psychotropic substance deep into your opponent’s neural network, such as it is, resulting in a truly terrifying debate performance.

4. Weight

This really bugs him. He’s getting fatter during the campaign. Something along the lines of “ISIS has more sleeper cells than my opponent has chins!” Or: “The middle class is stretched more than my opponent’s shirt buttons!”

Your submissive servant,

David

Memorandum

TO: DJT

FROM: R. STONE

IN RE: DEBATE STRATEGIES AND INTEL

Dear Mr. T:

I don’t need to tell you how ugly and nasty this campaign is going to be. Your opponent has already dragged the discourse down to an almost unbelievably gutter level. But let’s face facts: It’s all going to come down to the debates, and in that setting, you must be prepared to do what it takes.

To that end, the team and I have put together some key “psychological operations,” or “PSYOPS,” that we’ll be developing over the coming weeks. None of these, obviously, are set in stone, but it’s a good snapshot of where we are with our thinking. As always, we remain at the ready to do whatever your bidding or desires might require.

Vulnerabilities

Your opponent has four key areas of weakness, and we recommend exploiting them as follows:

1. Insecurities

Your opponent loves money — really more than anything or anyone — and to the extent that this is verifiable information, you almost certainly have more of it than she, when it’s all properly totaled up. We recommend exploiting this weakness of hers, during the debates, by removing a $100 bill every few moments and casually lighting it on fire. Her eyes will be unable to focus on anything else, and she will lose her concentration watching her most beloved thing consumed and destroyed by flame. (Note: This will require at least $20,000 in cash. Is this possible??)

2. Huma vs. Melania

No contest. During the pre-debate pleasantries, maybe say something like, “Is that Madeleine Albright sitting next to Melania?”

3. Chemical Warfare

She will undoubtedly try to inject a poison or psilocybin delivery device into your central nervous system. Our suggestion is to allow her to do this. You have already shown your ability to prevail in a structured debate experience without resorting to traditional psychological stability, and the resulting “free-form” responses you give will boost the focus-group dial test.

4. Weight

While it is true that your opponent has struggled with weight issues during the campaign, we think it imprudent to “go there,” as the kids say, until at least the campaign formally takes delivery of the new, white spread-collar dress shirts in collar size 18½.

Your devoted and passionate and submissive servant,

Roger

In This Issue

Articles

Features

Books, Arts & Manners

Sections

Politics & Policy

Letters

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The Week

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Poetry

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