Magazine | August 15, 2016, Issue

DNC Hacks Get Hacked

WikiLeaks dumped a ton of hacked e-mails from the Democratic National Committee, and you can search for terms that tell you which donor electrocuted his horse for insurance money. Only one did this, as far as I can tell. So what? Mitt Romney probably electrocuted a horse on the roof of his car and gave it cancer, and the horse also lied about WMD in Iraq. Good riddance.

The e-mail disclosures led to the resignation of Debbie Wasserman Schultz, a humorless, hectoring hack who’d be the last question in the Jeopardy! category of Unbearable Florida Politicians if it weren’t for Alan Grayson. You don’t have the time to plow through all the e-mails, so here are some excerpts I noticed. Disclosure: After many hours of reading these tedious exchanges, it’s possible I’m hallucinating and making these up. They could be fake, but as Dan Rather reminded us after he saved Brian Williams from Serbian sniper fire during Hurricane Katrina, some things are fake but accurate.

To: Chip Jawson (nbc.com)

From: Nigella Fructos-Abuella, DNC Media Relations

Subject: suggested changes

Many thanks for sending your Justice Dept. investigation story before it goes online. We have some concerns which we hope you will address; most of our objections can be fixed if you just do a search for “investigation” and replace with “partisan fishing expedition.”

The first paragraph, which discusses the private-server issue, should be moved down six paragraphs and replaced with a story (attached) about Mrs. Clinton sharing Internet cat videos with refugee children in a spontaneous moment of human interaction.

Thanks! Hope to see you at the lake this weekend for the official DNC Fishing Expedition.

To: Tim Fithins-Dwibble, Director of Men’s Outreach

From: DWS

Subject: Bernie Bros

Tim — we have polling that shows HRC helped by attacks from male Sanders supporters, b/c it underscores the fact that she is a woman and is threatening to the patriarchy (I was just talking about this with HRC, Huma, Loretta, and Valerie). We need to show some men support HRC too b/c they respect strong women. Can you make some ads and make a buy on some sports websites? Thanks.

To: DWS

From: T?m Fithins-Dwibble, Director of Men’s Outreach

Subject: re: Bernie Bros

Media buy complete — samples attached!

P.S. Pls note name change; am now nonbinary gender

To: T?m Fithins-Dwibble, Director of Men’s Outreach

From: DWS

Subject: re: Bernie Bros

I appreciate the fast turnaround but re: sports — need something more traditional. Male cheerleaders for Vassar lacrosse team good idea but looking for something with chest hair and gasoline-related — see if Planned Parenthood sponsors NASCAR.

P.S. Sorry about the name I had you down for transitioning next month.

To: DWS

From: bsanders@wobblies.com

Subject: how dare you

I hear from people you are planning to attack me and say I do not believe in an all-wise, benevolent creator with a glorious beard and a love for all humanity. If so you are vile and this is beneath you. I do believe in Marx.

To: HRC

From: DWS

Subject: Felt the Bern

We have a leak in the organization. Someone in the Democratic National Committee is communicating with one of the candidates. I suspect Troy in IT. He is always angry and has a beard and tattoos — actually, I think he has a tattoo of a beard. I am going to send out an e-mail to the inner circle that says we are planning to say “Feel the Bern” is insensitive to people with urinary-tract infections. Will keep you in the loop.

To: DWS

From: HRC

Subject: Innocuous yoga-related e-mail

While stretching today and strengthening my core I thought we should use “Feel the Burma” to emphasize my foreign-policy success in Myanmar. I could say “He wants you to feel the Bern, but I say we should feel the Burma.” I think a video of this put on the YouTube would get viral!! Huma agrees.

To: Everyone in party

From: Jim-Bob Smershovich

Subject: survey

Please to be saying hello to you-all Americans in our fine and democratically organization that is about the future and also the inequality of the incomes. This is to give the head-up about a survey you will be receiving about the DNC Internet satisfaction. It is to judge password for strength, because password should be strong, and respected. So enter password for test. The survey is to be from the company, Cageybee.ru.

You will be automatically entered to win a kombucha colonic, so take the survey. You’ll be vlad you did!

P.S. That should be “glad” — stupid auto-correcting.

– Mr. Lileks blogs at www.lileks.com.

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