Magazine | August 15, 2016, Issue

NSA Intercept

25072016 08:49GMT

Begin extract:

Static. Voices.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “Hello? Is this thing on? Can you hear me, Commander?”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:: “Da, da. You are coming into my device very well. Please continue with your report.”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “Well, okay, first I’d like to say it’s all going basically superb. It’s a top-class convention and you wouldn’t believe the bounce we’re getting. Historic bounce. Unreal. And look at the polls! I’m even with Crooked Hillary! Isn’t that — ”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:: “Don’t.”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “Don’t what?”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:: “This thing. This thing you say, with the Crooked Hillary and the other nonsense. Please just be being the facts to be giving, da?”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “Okay. Jeez. Just showing my enthusiasm here.”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:: “It is irritating, this enthusiasm. I have limited time. I am busy running a country here and thinking about Estonia and wasting my time you are just now doing. Just to please tell me how you are going to address the issue with the voters and the not liking you that they are enacting.”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “You talk funny, okay? It’s weird, but okay. Look, I have it all under control. We do a little bit of hating-her stuff, then we also get the ones who are out of work, and then appeal to the change voter, which is what they call — ”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:: “I know what it is they call the change voter. Mr. Manafort Paul has told me this informations. What I want to know is what your plan? What your plan? A lot of money I am spending on you and right now I see Chachi only and your daughter selling her dresses and more nonsense and no progress and it is angry. Very angry.”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “What’s angry?”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:: “What?”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “You said, ‘It is angry.’ What is angry?”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:: “What? What is angry?”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “What?”

Garbled off-mic voices.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:: “No. It is not angry. I am angry. I am angry. I am very angry. What is the money for to you we are giving? What?”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “The money for to you . . . ? I’m lost. Sorry.”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:: “We give you money, yes? Lots of money. We say, Hey, fat man, run for the president office now, and you say, Yes, Boss, but will cost, and we say, No matter the cost, we will help you with the money and the things you need and the leaks from Party of Democrats e-mail computer files, and you say, Okay, nice money for me thank you please, but then I see troubles with the polls and people liking you not at all and I think maybe this fat man is not the fat man I needed. Maybe I needed the man with the hair or the man with the other thing or maybe the very fat man — ”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “Okay, first, I never called you ‘Boss.’”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:: “Is important not! Plan where is? Plan where is?”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “I call you ‘Commander’ and it’s sort of semi-serious. But okay. Simmer down. Simmer down. I am quite literally the most famous man in the world, okay? I’m a major major celebrity and that’s something you’re not getting with anyone else, and when I tell you that I have it all handled I mean it.”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:: “Stop with the bashing of NATO.”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “Okay, first, the NATO thing is what you guys are telling me. It’s we’re taking Estonia this and we’re grabbing Hungary that and — ”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:: “This is later for! This is later the plan! Election after! Not for now saying to the people! Brain damage you have! Head use! Why am I necessary to say this?”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “You’re not being very nice to me.”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:: “Paying you am I! Monstrous sums for the bankruptcy to avert! I ask a simple task in repayment — just become the president in the White House. Why make this so hard you insist?”

Sound of chuckling.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “Sorry. I just love the way you talk. There was this cartoon, ‘Boris and Natasha.’ And I could swear — ”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:: “I do not know this cartoon. I am worried about other cartoon. Cartoon I pay lot of money to. Cartoon who cannot get his popularity above 50.”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “Again. Not nice.”

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:: “Not nice you think? You don’t know what is not nice. What I will say to you, what you will hear is your own words, if you do not do what has been asked and paid for. I will say, You. Are. Fire. That is what I will say.”

Sound of chuckling.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: “Sorry. It’s just funny to me.”

End extract

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