Magazine September 26, 2016, Issue

Trump TV Fall 2017 Lineup

(All times Eastern)

7:30–9:00 a.m.

Morning cartoons, hosted by Cap’n Eric

A return to the good old days, when early-morning television featured safe, wholesome cartoon fare for children, such as Snagglepuss and Speedy Gonzales. Hosted by whimsical and fun “Cap’n Eric” — Eric Trump in a hilarious sailor costume — and featuring interstitial entertainment messages from Mr. Trump himself. Kids are encouraged to join “Trump’s Youth Brigade” for the low price of $15 per month, which includes a certificate suitable for framing and a cloth “arm bracelet” that can be worn anytime! (Monthly fee is a recurring credit-card charge that can be discontinued by contacting the Better Business Bureau.)

9:00–11:00 a.m.

De Whiew with Ivana Trump

Ivana Trump is the glamorous hostess of this morning round-robin talk-fest, very much like The View — with regulars and drop-in guests (Marla Maples, Melania Trump) and an emphasis on fashion, trends, and pop culture. Ivana and her “posse” talk about current events, health and beauty tips, and the very best products and services available for purchase from their very own fashion and beauty lines! Join “Mr. Trump’s Ladies” each day and order products directly from them!

12:00–1:00 p.m.

Feel Great! with Steve Bannon

TrumpTV President of Entertainment Steve Bannon shows you the very best deals in home, health, and fitness products — available at steep discounts and with easy-pay plans. Steve “curates” the most cutting-edge equipment and techniques in the mind-body industry to deliver to viewers unparalleled access to the very best products at the very best prices, all personally guaranteed by fitness guru and health expert Steve Bannon.

1:00 p.m. and throughout the programming day

Great Moments with Mr. Trump

An animatronic Mr. Trump reads aloud from his many best-selling books. Viewers are encouraged to read along by purchasing a special collection of Mr. Trump’s enduring volumes, available in a Deluxe Edition, each volume “signed” by “Mr. Trump.”

7:00–8:00 p.m.

Mr. Trump Presents . . .

Mr. Trump hosts a rotating collection of television moments from the past — some of his favorite NFL games, episodes of Gunsmoke, that I Dream of Jeannie where you can briefly see part of Barbara Eden’s left breast, dirty parts of Match Game that never made it to air, and of course his favorite outtakes from his ratings smash, The Apprentice. Viewers are also treated to sneak previews of some of Mr. Trump’s most luxurious real-estate ventures and are allowed to get in on the “Friends & Family” insider’s price!

8:00–9:00 p.m.

The Real (Jewish) Housewife of Trump Tower

An up-close and real look at the crazy and fast-paced life of Ivanka Trump — daughter of Donald, wife of Jared, mother, business owner, entrepreneur, and a baleboste with chutzpah! Even the most ardent supporters of the Donald Trump campaign are unaware that Mr. Trump’s daughter converted to Judaism following her engagement to her husband, Jared Kushner. Watch as Ivanka moves through her day, utilizing products from her very own housewares and clothing lines! Viewers can “click” on the screen to order products directly to their homes! Or join “Ivanka’s Club for Yiddisher Kops” for the low monthly price of $25 and get a specially selected box sent to you, featuring products from Ivanka’s lines. Membership can be terminated by filing a suit in small-claims court. It’s a mitzvah!

9:00 p.m.–12:00 a.m.

The Hannity Prosperity Experience!

Sean Hannity walks us through the very best and most lucrative small-cap stocks available, many traded on little-known exchanges and barely covered by the “establishment” financial press! Get in on the ground floor!

12:00–1:00 a.m.

After Hours with Roger Ailes

A sensual look at news and newsmakers, trends and happenings of the day. Relax with Roger in a classy and upscale venue as he guides viewers through a selection of the very best products available for adults and singles, available for purchase and delivered discreetly to your door. Most of the products are “naughty,” so this is a TV-MA show! For the low price of $15 per month, you can join Roger’s “Club Fantasy” and receive regular shipments to your door. Charges will appear as “American Patriot Products” on your credit-card statement. Membership cannot be terminated without filing a lawsuit.

1:00 a.m. and repeated

Survive! with Steve Bannon

TrumpTV’s President of Entertainment shows us the best deals in survival and preparedness gear, all available for overnight shipping to your home or bunker. Membership is also available for the Trump Survivors Network, which allows members and their designees access to Trump Survival Locations across the country. Membership is a $750 initiation fee, followed by a $30 monthly “Preppers Plus” fee.

6:00–7:00 a.m.

Law Talk with Mr. Trump’s Legal Team

A fast-paced — and fast-talking — explanation and disclaimer hour in which the legal eagles of TrumpTV review the offers and products of the previous 24-hour programming period and provide clarification and terms-of-service understandings. Viewing of this hour of programming is a legally defined “reasonable expectation” of any customers of, members of, investors in, or otherwise patrons of Trump Organization products and services described for sale during the TrumpTV programming day.

In This Issue

Articles

Features

Books, Arts & Manners

Sections

Politics & Policy

Poetry

A MEMORY OF FRANKLIN STREET Heaven surrounded us, all sweetness then, Bright sky and earth, so calm and more than fair; Warm and expansive, welcoming, so when We passed a building it seemed more ...
Politics & Policy

Letters

The Wage-Floor Roof of the Working-Class Ghetto Helen Andrews’ review of Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir, by J. D. Vance, in the August 15 issue summarizes Vance’s effort to explain the factors ...
Politics & Policy

The Week

‐ Whoever used that hammer on Hillary’s phones should loan it to Huma Abedin. ‐ Acting as if it were an arm of the Clinton campaign, the FBI dumped the contents ...

Most Popular

Culture

A Triumph at Mount Rushmore

If nothing else, President Donald Trump’s July Fourth speech at Mount Rushmore clarified the battle lines of our culture war. The New York Times called the speech “dark and divisive,” while an Associated Press headline declared, “Trump pushes racial division.” A Washington Post story said the speech ... Read More
Culture

A Triumph at Mount Rushmore

If nothing else, President Donald Trump’s July Fourth speech at Mount Rushmore clarified the battle lines of our culture war. The New York Times called the speech “dark and divisive,” while an Associated Press headline declared, “Trump pushes racial division.” A Washington Post story said the speech ... Read More
Culture

Why Progressives Wage War on History

Princeton University’s decision to remove the name “Woodrow Wilson” from its School of Public and International Affairs is a big win for progressive activists, and the implications will extend far beyond the campus. It hardly surprises me, in today’s polarizing environment, that my alma mater caved to ... Read More
Culture

Why Progressives Wage War on History

Princeton University’s decision to remove the name “Woodrow Wilson” from its School of Public and International Affairs is a big win for progressive activists, and the implications will extend far beyond the campus. It hardly surprises me, in today’s polarizing environment, that my alma mater caved to ... Read More
U.S.

Bad News about the Virus

On the menu today: an important update about indications that the coronavirus is now more contagious than it used to be, with far-reaching ramifications for how we fight this pandemic; a point on the recent complaints about the Paycheck Protection Program; and a new book for everyone closely following the debate ... Read More
U.S.

Bad News about the Virus

On the menu today: an important update about indications that the coronavirus is now more contagious than it used to be, with far-reaching ramifications for how we fight this pandemic; a point on the recent complaints about the Paycheck Protection Program; and a new book for everyone closely following the debate ... Read More
World

Putin’s Empire Strikes Back

In 1648, at the negotiating tables of Münster and Osnabrück, a panoply of European diplomats signed a document that would lay down the foundations of the modern world order: the Treaty of Westphalia. Naturally, the signatories did not realize the impact of their contribution to history. Far from a pack of ... Read More
World

Putin’s Empire Strikes Back

In 1648, at the negotiating tables of Münster and Osnabrück, a panoply of European diplomats signed a document that would lay down the foundations of the modern world order: the Treaty of Westphalia. Naturally, the signatories did not realize the impact of their contribution to history. Far from a pack of ... Read More