Magazine November 7, 2016, Issue

A Professional Correspondence

Wilson & Sterling

A professional corporation

IN RE: CLINTON–CLINTON CONTINUATION OF MARRIAGE AGREEMENT 2000, AND ADDENDA, UPDATED OCTOBER 2016

Dear Steve:

Many thanks for your phone call yesterday.

As you no doubt agree, the wisdom of our clients, in order to protect their loving and committed and deeply normal relationship, led them to engage separate counsel. Over the past 16 years you and I have, faithfully, negotiated the terms of their solid and affectionate and utterly not weird marriage. In all areas, including the number of public moments of skin-to-skin contact (e.g., hugs, pecks, hands brushing against each other, proximate standing positions, etc.), we have engaged in what I would term “good faith” discussions.

Thus it is difficult for me to take your recent proposal (Appendix CXXVI (ii): Proposal to Include White House Domicile, and Furtherance of Occupational Interests) to my client, Secretary Clinton. My reasons are as follows:

1. It is premature to begin discussions of the Hillary Rodham Clinton White House before the November 8 election. My client remains focused on winning the necessary 270 electoral votes via popular voting in each state by (for the most part) living and breathing voters whose votes cannot be challenged effectively in court;

2. It would be counterproductive to amend the current agreement (see Appendix XLV (ii): Plus-Ones, Steadies, and Awkward Misunderstandings) to include the possibility of a “flexible” domestic arrangement with respect to the Lincoln Bedroom.

I look forward to discussing these matters and continuing to represent my client to you and your client in the weeks and months ahead. As you know, our work here (alas, unsung) has been instrumental in the maintenance and hygienic continuance of our clients’ long, happy, loving, and totally not fake marriage, and I am eager to continue in that role.

With best wishes,

Greg

[dictated but not read]

Wilmer, Patton

A professional corporation

IN RE: CLINTON–CLINTON CONTINUATION OF MARRIAGE AGREEMENT 2000, AND ADDENDA, UPDATED OCTOBER 2016

Dear Greg:

I am in receipt of your disappointing letter from last Thursday. Both I and my client are puzzled as to why you and your client insist upon delaying the commencement of discussions, as Nate Silver has pretty much called it.

Look, let’s not get bogged down in details. (That was a joke!) My client is willing to entertain an ambassadorship to any beach-adjacent nation with a legal age of consent within his personal target range, subject to negotiation. The rest of the points can be addressed on your timetable.

Sincerely,

Steve

[dictated but not read]

Wilson & Sterling

A professional corporation

IN RE: CLINTON–CLINTON CONTINUATION OF MARRIAGE AGREEMENT 2000, AND ADDENDA, UPDATED OCTOBER 2016

Steve:

Not saying we’re against talking. Let me see what I can do re: an ambassadorship and all-access WH pass for your client. The plus-one issue will have to be tabled until January.

Between us: There are still some raw nerves and hurt feelings here re: the pneumonia incident when your client could not be located for his contractual obligations (see Appendix XV of the Basic Agreement and the agreed-upon “List of Essential Behaviors Defining a ‘Loving Relationship’”). So I counsel patience. Look for an e-mail tomorrow.

Best,

Greg

[dictated but not read]

Wilmer, Patton

A professional corporation

IN RE: CLINTON–CLINTON CONTINUATION OF MARRIAGE AGREEMENT 2000, AND ADDENDA, UPDATED OCTOBER 2016

Greg:

Please be informed that the e-mail you sent was not read, nor was it stored on any memory device within or controlled or administered by this firm.

Let’s meet at the Peet’s Coffee on 17th Street NW to discuss this in public privacy. From your recent communication, I think we are close to an agreement. My client is eager to once again resume his role as a “loving” and “devoted” “husband,” as these terms are defined in the Basic Agreement, Appendix H, sections 129–398, pages 12,954–16,982.

Steve

Wilson & Sterling

A professional corporation

IN RE: CLINTON–CLINTON CONTINUATION OF MARRIAGE AGREEMENT 2000, AND ADDENDA, UPDATED OCTOBER 2016

Steve:

I am here at the Peet’s on 17th Street. Just realized you don’t know what I look like. I’m wearing a grey suit with a white shirt and a red tie. I’m sitting next to another man wearing a grey suit with a white shirt and a red tie, but his shoes are lace-ups and mine are not. The only other person in this Peet’s who is wearing a grey suit with a white shirt and a red tie is clearly homeless. Hope this is not you.

G

Wilmer, Patton

A professional corporation

IN RE: CLINTON–CLINTON CONTINUATION OF MARRIAGE AGREEMENT 2000, AND ADDENDA, UPDATED OCTOBER 2016

Greg:

I am wearing the lace-up shoes. I have the documents ready for signature. Will report back to my client when we sign that they have a legal agreement to continue their warm and loving marriage for another four years, with addenda.

Steve

In This Issue

Articles

Features

Books, Arts & Manners

Sections

Politics & Policy

Letters

Looking the Other Way on Abortion Jay Nordlinger’s article “No More Baby” (September 26) concludes that we are a “deeply hypocritical society” because we won’t admit that killing a newborn baby is ...
Politics & Policy

The Week

‐ Bob Dylan is to literature as Barack Obama is to peace. ‐ “How is that not classified?” That was the stunned reaction of Clinton confidante Huma Abedin upon learning that ...
Politics & Policy

Poetry

HOMELAND “. . . I cannot sing Amid this horror.”                      – Anna Akhmatova                      (early draft of “Poem without a Hero”) Months pass without a single word recorded, Eliminating each suspicious link: The terrorizing, barbarizing, sordid, The ones who ...

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Imagine you get indicted in a swindle. The prosecutors represent that they can prove you and your alleged co-conspirators planned to fleece a major financial institution. You counter that you weren’t fleecing anyone. Sure, you were asking for millions in loans, but the collateral you were prepared to post was ... Read More

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It seems almost inevitable that long hair is unwelcome at Barbers Hill High School. There’s a touch of aptronymic poetry in Texas public-school dress-code disputes. When I was in school in the 1980s, at the height of the Satanism panic, the local school-district superintendent circulated a list of ... Read More

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It seems almost inevitable that long hair is unwelcome at Barbers Hill High School. There’s a touch of aptronymic poetry in Texas public-school dress-code disputes. When I was in school in the 1980s, at the height of the Satanism panic, the local school-district superintendent circulated a list of ... Read More
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15 Flaws in Adam Schiff’s Case

Adam Schiff did most of the heavy lifting for the House managers, and if he performed ably, he also relied on arguments and tropes that don’t withstand scrutiny. The Democratic case for impeachment and removal is now heavily encrusted with clichés, widely accepted by the media, meant to give their ... Read More
Politics & Policy

15 Flaws in Adam Schiff’s Case

Adam Schiff did most of the heavy lifting for the House managers, and if he performed ably, he also relied on arguments and tropes that don’t withstand scrutiny. The Democratic case for impeachment and removal is now heavily encrusted with clichés, widely accepted by the media, meant to give their ... Read More

When There Is No Normal

One of the ancient and modern critiques of democracy is that radicals destroy norms for short-term political gain, norms that they themselves often later seek as refuge. Schadenfreude, irony, paradox, and karma are various descriptions of what happens to revolutionaries, and unfortunately the innocent, who ... Read More

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One of the ancient and modern critiques of democracy is that radicals destroy norms for short-term political gain, norms that they themselves often later seek as refuge. Schadenfreude, irony, paradox, and karma are various descriptions of what happens to revolutionaries, and unfortunately the innocent, who ... Read More