Magazine | December 5, 2016, Issue

NSA Document Extract

111016: 00:45GMT



Begin Extract:

Static. Buzzing.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Donald! I am already trying to call you since three days! To say for that I am happy about election and then it goes to voicemail and voicemail and voicemail and I am wondering presently how comes this, because for I see you tweeting. You are tweeting but not picking up when I call which confuses me. The device is the same!

POTUS-ELECT: Hey, look, it’s been crazy. I’ve been crazy busy. Stuff to read, people to hire, it’s endless. There’s stuff, let me tell you, stuff I didn’t — no one told me about, not that I’m surprised, of course, because I know what’s happening and what needs to be done. But you’re still surprised, you know? You know a thing is happening but it’s still crazy that it’s happening. And then, you know, I’m still working on my screenplay, so there’s that. Anyway. Nice to connect.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Not you understanding. Do not me weasel talk.

POTUS-ELECT: This isn’t that. Really. Look, I gotta be honest here, and I do not mean this to sound in any way argumentative or rude or anything because I really do believe I have a fine temperament. But see, here’s the thing, Vlad –

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: What thing? The thing for what is this?

POTUS-ELECT: It’s an expression. What I’m trying to say is that, hey, I’m president now. Things are different. Maybe when you call, I don’t know, when you call it’s a little more like you’re calling an equal here. Maybe it’s an I-call-you-back situation, when-time-permits type thing. Instead of –

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Mouth closing! For this is not agreement part! This is not agreement part! I do what I promised. E-mails, those things and others were done with as discussed and now president you are and now is time for the back pay!

POTUS-ELECT: Back pay? Not following you.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: The agreement particle! I do the thing and now you do the thing. I want to do the Syria and do the Ukraine and do the sanctions lifty.

POTUS-ELECT: Sanctions lifty? You gotta hear yourself. Too funny.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Joke is not making here!

POTUS-ELECT: I know, I know. Simmer down. Jeez. It’s just funny, and let me say to you that I believe that it’s important to remember to laugh and smile during the day. Connect with the joy. Keep your sense of humor.






POTUS-ELECT: Yeah. That’s what I said.


POTUS-ELECT: And also, let’s be honest, okay? It was some of the e-mails but it was also some of, you know, me, my thing, my speeches and what not and the way I do the things that I was doing, with the connecting to the voters and things of that ilk.


POTUS-ELECT: No idea. I got this Word-A-Day desk calendar dealy, because I need to step it up, wordwise. People always say, Mr. Trump you always think you’re perfect, but the truth is I like to work on myself. I like to get better. Okay then. So now that we’re speaking, I’m telling you that some stuff has shifted on our punch list.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Punch list is what, this punch list?

POTUS-ELECT: Not gonna be able to move on some of those items previously discussed and bullet-pointed, just because, and this is obviously awkward in a business-situational sense, but just because it’s a lot more different on the ground now, as I’m learning. And this is a learning process, Vladimir. I like to think for both of us.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Slow speak now. You are forgetting deal.

POTUS-ELECT: Not forgetting. No, not forgetting. Just saying, now that this is really happening it’s not so easy as we thought to do the thing with the thing, the Ukraine and the Syria, and Syria is such a bad situation, it’s so terrible, hard to imagine how we can, you know, do what was discussed.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: You are me telling that you were liar?

POTUS-ELECT: Okay, now you’re being rude.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Agreement was made. Things agreed, in line with numbers next to items. We say, okay, number one and then do number one, and on and on. Now you say no to those things? Very angry I am making angry face.

POTUS-ELECT: What can I say? Kinda need to wiggle out of some of it.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE: Swindler. You are. To me, you lied many times.

POTUS-ELECT: You sound surprised. Did you read my book?

End Extract 111016 00:55GMT

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