Magazine | December 19, 2016, Issue

Customer, Elderly Female . . .

FROM: A Concerned Customer

You guys need to do better! I stood in the center of your store for over ONE HOUR with my grocery list and at NO TIME did anyone take the list from my hands and collect my grocery items in a grocery cart. Furthermore, the young man in the freezer section was EXTREMELY RUDE when I selected the ice cream I wished to enjoy and began eating it. Also, it is inconsiderate to allow others into your store when former high-ranking federal officials who won the popular vote wish to grocery shop.

TSA Newark Airport



Please be on the lookout for an elderly female traveler trying to come through the security checkpoint without making the proper adjustments to her carry-on luggage and personal bag. Elderly traveler is often accompanied by a younger olive-toned companion, and is EXTREMELY RUDE and DIFFICULT when trying to make it through the checkpoints. BE ADVISED she will be carrying water and other prohibited liquids and gels, she will invariably trigger the metal-detection unit, and if the past is any guide, she will probably attempt to make a run for the gate. TSA agents and operatives are advised to be ready with pepper spray and/or Taser equipment.

Apple Store Chappaqua

Genius Bar Customer Service

Ticket Number 459A

Customer, an elderly female, arrived almost three hours late for her Genius Bar appointment and demanded to be accommodated immediately, insisting that she was very busy and had run into the mall from the parking lot “under fire” with “gunshots all around.” Her assigned service technician, Tyler, was already helping another customer, so Michelle, the duty manager, informed customer that she would be slotted in on an “if possible” basis. Customer then became furious and demanded to speak with the store manager, who was at the time on dinner break and down by the Panda Express on the other end of the mall. When informed of this, customer and her companion (nurse? elder-service manager?) marched out of the store and towards the Panda Express. Moments later they returned with the manager and elderly customer was escorted to the Genius Bar table where she proceeded to demand that we “take the cloud off” of her iPad. Customer further demanded that all other customers be held behind a pair of portable stanchions that were carried by her companion (nurse? elder-service manager?) and required several Genius Bar personnel to help her with the “iPad sync thingy that keeps going around” and insisted that she didn’t want the “whole Internet” on her iPhone.

Time Warner Cable

Subscriber Service Call Record

Time of Call: 05:22

Subject of Call: “Fake news” channels

Irate call from elderly female cable subscriber who insisted that “fake” news was being broadcast through her television cable and that “Russians” were behind it all. Elderly customer became verbally abusive when asked to clarify the details of her premium cable package. Customer Care Representative, who feared for the safety of the subscriber and anyone else in the home, remained on the line while directing county mental-health and elder-care units to the residence.

Chappaqua Police Blotter

Incident Report

Police were called at 14:33 to the corner of Shipman Lane and Church Street, following a 911 call from the operator of a black sedan-type vehicle. Operator states that he was idling on Church Street while waiting for a parking space to become available in front of Great Western Steak & Hoagie when an elderly woman entered the vehicle utilizing the right rear passenger door and then demanded to be taken to a series of locations. Operator states that these locations seemed to be entirely fabricated and bore no relationship to any real location in the area. When operator informed the intruder that a mistake had been made, operator states that intruder became irate and began using foul language and threatened to have operator fired from his job as an official driver for the U.S. State Department. Intruder then began pounding her fists on the back of the car seat and shouting in louder tones to be obeyed, to be driven wherever she wanted to go. Operator states that when he explained to the clearly disturbed elderly woman that this was a private car, that he was the owner-operator of the vehicle, the intruder grew silent and repeated over and over again, “Wait. Who am I here?” At which point patrolmen arrived and took charge of the situation. Suspect was taken into custody and booked on disorderly conduct, trespassing, and assault.

In This Issue



Books, Arts & Manners


Politics & Policy


American Interests and Obligations Mr. Nordlinger raises a legitimate question as to the extent to which Americans should be prepared to commit military resources, i.e., American lives, in furtherance of our ...
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The Week

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MOVING Worn chairs with no seats cluster where A mirror gives back a dull stare At memories of other times. As leather books are losing rhymes, They tumble from a cardboard box Where fossils hide, within ...

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